Sunday, April 28, 2013

Sirius leaders demand the return of Ata alien

By Reporter X

The Sirius Consortium asked the 109,298,291 Interstellar Circuit Court, located in Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, to return the body of one its citizens.

The alien, known as Ata among UFO human UFO believers, was a six inch tall alien that died 100 years ago when its craft crashed in Chile.  His body was uncovered in 2003, and eventually came into the possession of Dr. Stephen Greer, founder of the Center for the Study of Extraterrestrial Intelligence.  Ata, who’s real name was Xel Kodo, is now the subject of a recently released documentary, Sirius.

Pal Kodo, a descendent of Xel, denounced Greer and the its use of Xel’s body.

“Xel always believed in maintaining the veil of secrecy!”  Testified Pal as his body turned blue, showing sadness.  “He was also a very private person.  His body is being used by that muscle bound oaf Dr. Greer to desecrate the two things he valued most!”

Opacdox, council for the Consortium, argued under humanity’s treaties with the greater interstellar community, Xel’s body needed to be returned to immediately.  

“Humanity is required to maintain the cover up of our existence.  Nothing blows our cover like an alien body being broadcast all over your Internet!”

Jeff Wagg, the New World Order’s ambassador to Clow UFO Base, testified that the body could not be returned without arousing suspicions.

“I admit, we dropped the ball for nine years.”  Said Wagg.  “Xel should have never ended up in Stephen’s hands, but the fact is, it did.  If we just stole the body, he would expose us on the Internet, and we can’t have that.”

According to Wagg, the NWO is working on discrediting Greer’s work before they attempt to return Xel to Sirius.  Wagg cited a study declaring that the Xel is actually the body of a deformed 6-8 year old human.  The NWO is also flooding the Internet with bad reviews of the movie.  They are also working with new Huffington Post blogger Sharon Hill to further discredit Greer.

“Once Greer is considered as fraudulent as Andrew Wakefield, we’ll attempt to recover the body.”  Wagg added, “We might even arrest him for firing lasers at UFO.  I’m sure that’s annoying to many travelers.”

The court is expected to hear more testimony this week, and a ruling is expected in June.

Greer could not be reached for comment.  

Also in The Babbler:

Sources: Bolingbrook Golf Club to house The Roger Claar Mayoral Library
Sequester diverts hundreds of UFOs from Clow to Perth, Australia
Conspiracy dating web site is a trap, says local single male
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/1/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Mayor Claar starts investigation into why Clow officials ignored a time traveler’s warning

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar is demanding answers into why he wasn’t informed about a time traveler’s warning.

“It would have been nice to have advanced warning about the flooding, the Boston Marathon bombing, the Ricin letters, the Texas explosion and the shutting down of an entire city!”  Said Claar to the gathered members of the interstellar press corps.  “We could have evacuated the animal shelter earlier, and I could have made a donation to the Red Cross in advance!”

Donald Z. Parker, an official with the Department of Paranormal Affairs, explained during the conference that a time traveler from the year 2113 appeared in Bolingbrook on April 12.  The traveler was apprehended within 15 minutes of his arrival, and taken to Clow UFO Base.  He was then questioned by Clow’s temporal officers.

“We have very strict policies regarding temporal intruders.”  Said Parker.  “We can’t just let anyone alter the course of time.”

According to Parker, the traveler was trying arrive in Boston, but miscalculated the position of the Earth, and arrived in Bolingbrook instead.  Parker also added that the traveler did not provide any proof that the events of the following week would happen.

“We cannot assume that any traveler from the future is telling the truth.”  Said Parker.  “While there are benevolent travelers, there are also people who are trying to manipulate time for their own personal needs.  As an officially sanctioned New World Order Temporal Protection Facility, Clow Temporal Officers are obligated to fully investigate any claim before making recommendations.”

Said Claar, “While I understand the importance of protecting the time line, some where along the line, we had a communication breakdown.  As in someone should have told me about the investigation!  Then I could have reassured my village that the world wasn’t ending!”

Parker added that the investigation was further complicated by the time traveler disappearing from existence two days before the bombing.

“The traveler told us that the mayor was about to receive a threatening letter.  We were able to intercept that letter.  Unfortunately, intercepting that letter started a chain of event that destroyed that incarnation of the time traveler.  In other worlds, we couldn’t ask him questions.”

Parker explained that the preliminary investigation shows that the investigators were reluctant to disclose their findings to Claar.

“At the time, it did seem far fetched that so many events would happen in one week.”

Claar promised he would not be too harsh on any one who voluntarily appeared before the formal investigation committee.

“Something needs to be fixed!  If someone is going to travel 100 years into the past, I want to know why!  Directives be damned!”

Also in The Babbler:

Aliens praised for rescue efforts in Bolingbrook
Giant lung fishes spotted in Bolingbrook
Skeptic Brian Dunning will not be imprisoned on Mars
God to spare Bolingbrook this week.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Bolingbrook bar almost cancels Full Contact Gospel Ministry fundraiser

Bolingbrook bar Hitch’s almost ended a fundraiser for Full Contact Gospel Church one hour after it started.  The owner, Al X. Krane, announced that patrons were welcome to stay in the bar, but he would keep all their money.
“I didn’t know you guys embraced violence.”  Said Krane.  “I thought you guys were Christians who liked to touch people a lot.”

Minister Lenny Z. Hopson protested.  “We told you what we were all about.  We gave you our literature.”  Hobson then held up one of their flyers.  “What part of ‘We’ll kick your ass for Jesus’ didn’t you understand?”

Hopson explained that for the past 20 years, he has combined mixed martial arts and Bible Study to preach the word of God to Bolingbrook’s residents.  

“We only fight to test our strength and show the power of faith to the unfaithed.  Once we impress them with our skills, we tell them the good news!”

Hopson added that the fundraiser was to create a kids MMA camp where children could improve their physical and spiritual health.

Krane pointed to all the pictures of Christopher Hitchens on the wall.

“This bar is a tribute to Christopher Hitchens, may his memory live on.  I am a member of the Church of Christopher Hitchens, he who was waterboarded to prove it was torture.  He who taught that religion poisons everything.  I just realized that you are trying to poison our children, and the MMA community.  I can’t tell you how many great fights have been ruined because someone had to praise God, instead of their trainers!”

A supporter yelled, “Hitchens is still dead.  Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice by dying and coming back from the dead!”

“If he came back, then it wasn’t a sacrifice at all.  More like a bad weekend.”  Countered Krane.

“You may mock the Bible, but can you mock this?”  The supporter then tore a phone book in half.

“How can you explain this without invoking the power of Jesus?”

“It’s a trick.”  Replied Krane.

Hopson then asked to challenge Krane’s best bouncer in an honor duel.  As the bouncer stepped in the room, Hopson said, “‘Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.’ Matthew 10:34!”

Before there was any violence, Mayor Roger Claar stepped into the room, and pulled Krane aside.  After a short, heated conversation, Krane walked back to Hopson.

“Roger has a good point.  We shouldn't discriminate because of a customer's beliefs or lack of beliefs.  Besides, you’re not Muslims.  You can have the money, but this is the last time I’m helping you with a fundraiser.”

Claar added, “Don’t make me regret this.  Both of you!”

After the fundraiser, Hopson said he has forgiven Krane, but vowed to fight on.

“This is an example of the religious discrimation that Christians face everyday.  This would never happen to an atheist group like Camp Quest!”

When called, Claar answered his phone and said, “You know, The Babbler has annoyed me for years, but I take comfort in this one fact.  At the end of the day, I have a $500,000 campaign fund, and you don’t!”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to alien cruise company: You will pay for the damage you caused
George Hrab to perform first concert at Clow UFO Base
Thunderf00t spotted in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/18/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

The Manchester Mumbler: Ghost of Margaret Thatcher attacks Richard Dawkins

Note: Due to our webmaster being away on his honeymoon, our UK sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler, has provided us with this story to post online.

According to anonymous sources, the ghost of Margaret Thatcher attacked famed atheist Richard Dawkins.

“Richard has some bruises and scratches.”  Said a friend of a close friend of Dawkins.  “Nothing is broken, and he’ll be OK.  She did quite smashing job on him, but he still maintains his doubts about the existence of ghosts and God.”

A former servant at the Dawkins estate described the attack.  

“I was cleaning the downstairs dining room, when I heard pounding on the ceiling.  I thought Mr. Dawkins doing late night work.  Then I heard a female moaning.  Then he moaned.  Or screamed.  It was a terrible sound.  Anyway, it turned into pounding and screaming.  I knew right then that he had finally gone too far and offended the spirits of the netherworld.  So I ran away before God, the Devil, or whatever could destroy the estate.”

Another servant provided a more detailed account of the attack.  According to the unnamed servant, who happened to be outside the Dawkins’s bedroom door, the ghost of Thatcher appeared at the foot of his bed.  She told him that ghosts and god were real and commanded him to be her voice to the world of the living.

Dawkins would have none it.

“The laws of physics say ghosts are impossible.”  Said the groggy professor.  “I am obviously suffering from a case of sleep paralysis complicated by watching too many news reports about your death.”

“You see me with your own eyes!”  Howled Thatcher.  “You haven’t had any training in the paranormal.  How can you doubt my existence?”

Dawkins groaned.  “Oh come on.  Just like I don’t need a degree in Leprechaun studies to know they’re a myth, or a doctorate in theology to know that God is a delusion, I know you’re a product of my imagination.”

“I now have great power now, and I command you to spread my message to my living subjects.”

Dawkins coughed.  “Get over yourself.  Sure you broke the trade unions, and lead a successful war against a Catholic country.  Which, incidentally, will be an inspiration for our eventual war against Islam.  I admire you for the last part, but you’re dead now.  You don’t exist anymore.  Even if you really are a ghost, you don’t belong here.  Go hang out with Winston Churchill and your friend Ronald Reagan in the ruins of British Industry. The dead should rest, while the living still have important business to attend to.”

Thatcher howled.  “Serve me!”

“I’m sorry, I have more important work to do.  What should I say to the Muslim females of the world?  ‘Dear Muslimah.  Quit whining about genial mutilation.  Can’t you see that I have to attend to the Iron Hag?’”

The servant claimed that he heard loud noises from the room, and ran away.

Another servant, who asked not to be named, said she ran into the bedroom after the noises stopped.  According to her, she saw Dawkins on top of a broken bed.  His wife had just run into the bathroom.

“If the tabloids ask,” Said Dawkins. “Tell them I was attacked by the ghost of the Iron Lady.  That should distract them.”

When reached for comment, Dawkins denied the accounts, and accused The Mumber of trying to sensationalize his purchase of a new bed.

“I am not a man to trifle with.”  Said Dawkins.  “Just ask Rebecca Watson what happened when she tried to destroy me.  My army of Internet followers are still hounding her!  The truth is, after writing several best sellers, staring in films, giving public lectures, and single-handedly causing an upsurge in atheism, I have earned the privilege of being able to say anything I want, without consequence!  In fact, I could say that Americans should stop shooting each other, and start shooting Islamists.  Nothing would happen to me.  Not that would say such a dreadful thing, but I could!”

Also in The Manchester Mumbler:

Rescue crews help Underworld end a song
Alien bodyguards to protect sceptic Hayley Stevens
LibDems to change name to “King Maker Party”
God to smite Manchester on 15/4/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Babbler's Webmaster gets married

By Sara Langston
Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler

We're pleased to announce that our webmaster got married this weekend outside of Clow UFO base.  About 36 people attended the ceremony, and Clow security was kind enough not to arrest the wedding party.

Mayor Roger Claar had no comment.

In honor of this festive occasion, we've given him the week off to be with his new wife.  Our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler, will provide us with web content later this week.

Until then, our readers can use this post to congratulate the newlyweds.  

Out of Character:  Yes, I really did get married to a wonderful woman, and I hope we have a long, and happy life together.  

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.