Saturday, March 30, 2013

Web Exclusive: Seattle cat defeats alien abductors

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base officials confirmed that a Seattle house cat named Pixel subdued the crew of a craft, and diverted it to Bolingbrook, IL.

“That is one badass cat!”  Said one official, who asked not to be identified.

According to Clow officials, a Barnard’s Star vessel was performing illegal abductions in the Seattle area.  Joan, one of the abductees, described Pixel’s arrival.

“It felt like a really bad dream.”  Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name.  “I couldn’t move but I could see my abductors.  Their lips didn’t move, but I understood what they were thinking.  One of them said they missed the target.  Another said something else is coming.  The first one screamed, its a cat!  Then there was a blinding flash of light.  This cat was in the middle of the room.  The aliens broke out in hives, and choked to death.  I guess they have really severe cat allergies.”

Steve, who also asked that his last name not be used, described Pixel’s entrance to the holding cells.

“My abductor was saying something about using a special probe on me.  Then it sniffed the air, screamed, and ran away.  A few seconds later, this cat jumped on my stomach.  I couldn’t move, but for some reason, I asked it to help.  To my surprise, she jumped on to a control panel, and started pacing on it.  She must have found the right commands because a few seconds later, the paralysis fields were shut off.  The cat freed us!”

After making improvised weapons, and thanking Pixel, the former abductees started searching the control room.  They followed Pixel as she cleared the corridors of alien crew members.

Several minutes later, aliens in armed suits approached the humans.  They started firing death rays at the revolting abductees.  Some of the humans tried to fight back, but they couldn’t even dent the aliens’ amor.  

According to eyewitnesses, as the humans fell back, Pixel ran under the legs of the first armored alien.  The second armored aliens shot a Pixel and missed.  Instead it blew a hole in the hull of the craft.  While the armored aliens were sucked out of the craft, Pixel clung to John X. Parker’s pants.

“Her claws were sharp, but I didn’t mind at the time.  After all she’s done for us, helping her survive was the least I could do.”

Seconds later, a force field sealed the breach, and the humans continued. 

When they reached what they believed to be the control room, the door was locked.  Eyewitnesses agree that Pixel climbed into the ventilation system.  About a minute later, they heard the pilots scream, but the door did not open.

Clow’s space traffic controllers say they received a transmission from Pixel.

“I kept hearing someone saying meow.”  Said Control Bob 45.  “At first I was concerned that it was a Kzin pilot threatening Earth.  Then I remembered that the Kzinti really are a fiction race.  When I managed to get the visual on, was surprised to see a real cat staring back it me.”

Clow officials then reached out to the skeptical community to find someone who could speak cat.

“We didn’t have time to sort out the real pet psychics from the fakes.” Said an anonymous source.

Eventually, they reached Carrie Poppy, a former employee of the James Randi Educational Foundation.  Sources say that Poppy initially refused, saying that she was finished dealing with president DJ Grothe’s “alien creeps.”

When connect with the video feed of Pixel inside the UFO, Poppy exclaimed, “Oh No!  Kitty is stranded in space!”  Poppy then pulled out her secret copy of the JREF Emergency Feline to English Translation Guide.  With Poppy translating the controller’s instructions, Pixel was able to activate the craft’s autopilot.  The craft then traveled to Clow UFO Base, and safely landed.

The Men in Blue arrested the aliens, and “processed” the abductees so they could be returned to Seattle.  Gates Interstellar Foundation officials confirmed Pixel’s identity, and sent a hypersonic plane to return her to Seattle.

Sources in Seattle claim Pixel was returned home before her owners noticed her missing.

When The Babbler tried to reach Pixel’s owners by Skype, Pixel answered.  She stared at the web cam, slowly blinked her eyes, then ran away.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: