Sunday, March 10, 2013

New World Order rejects merger of Bolingbrook’s Departments of Interstellar Affairs and Paranormal Affairs

By Reporter X
Bolingbrook residents will not have to file complaints about ghosts with the same department that manages Bolingbrook’s extraterrestrial population.

“The paranormal and aliens are two different fields of study.”  Said New World Order liaison Jeff Wagg in rejecting Mayor Roger Claar’s application.  “They are related only by virtue of both being suppressed by approved science.  To expect one department to handle both is like expecting a merger between the Department of the Interior and The Department of Commerce to work because they both deal with domestic policies.”

Wagg continued that Earth’s admission to the Interstellar Community requires global acceptance of scientific skepticism and having a department that also manages “paranormal” activity would be seen as counterproductive.

Claar, in his application, claimed that the merger was necessary to save money and allow for a more efficiency in Bolingbrook’s Black Ops Budget.

Anonymous sources within both departments praised Wagg’s decision.

“I hate the Department of Paranormal Affairs.”  Said one source within The Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “Just the other day I pointed out the flaws in the Bigfoot DNA study to one of their employees.  She replied that science doesn’t know everything.  I said it knows enough to recognize a bogus study!”

John, from the Department of Paranormal Affairs, said, “All the aliens I’ve met, even the religious ones, embrace science based skepticism.  As we like to say in the department, there are other ways of knowing you’re right, besides science.”

Other anonymous sources say the NWO’s rejection of Claar’s application was due to a long standing dispute between the NWO and the Illuminati.  The NWO’s fully embraces science, while the Illuminati have been accused of using secret rituals, and using magic spells to influence global events.

Illuminati officials could not be reached for comment.

Source within Village Hall says that Claar and the NWO are working on an agreement to bring more air traffic to Clow Airport.  The increased revenue would allow Bolingbrook to keep both the Departments of Interstellar Affairs and Paranormal Affairs separate.

When The Babbler tried to reach Claar, his receptionist said he was in the middle of a human resources discussion and could not be disturbed.  

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Just let your deputy chief handle the firefighting.  All you have to do is worry about their budget.  Oh, and make sure no one is recording ‘Harlem Shake’ videos in the fire stations.”

Also in The Babbler:

Weredogs remember local dog slain by coyote 
DePaul students brainwashed by “Real World Atheism” panel
Claar: I am not getting advice from the ghost of Bob Bailey!  
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/14/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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