Sunday, March 31, 2013

Chicago prosthetic provider accused of selling haunted limbs

Every midnight, Chicago resident Yolanda Z. Branson wakes up to creaking sounds and moans in her apartment.  Sometimes her central air system will turn on at the same time.  If she listens closely, she can barely hear the same words.  “Stop using my prosthetic leg!”

“I’m not crazy!”  Exclaims Branson.  “My used leg really is haunted!”

Sometimes, she claims, the ghost will bite her stump.

“The doctor says they’re sores from an improperly fitted leg.  I know better!”

According to the Chicago Alliance of Mediums, Branson is one of dozens clients who have been given haunted artificial limbs by prosthetic provider Chicago Limbs R Us.

“Some times people have an emotional attachment to their artificial limbs.”  Said Jane Q Becker, spokesperson for CAM.  “When they die, their souls maintain a spiritual attachment to that limb.  That attachment can be so strong that a departed soul can use it to pierce the veil of death.”

According to Becker, CAM has warned local prosthetic providers of the dangers of giving used prosthetic devices to their clients.  Becker says that these devices have a one percent greater chance of being haunted than other medical devices.

“Most of the providers laugh in our face, then silently follow our advice.”

The notable exception, she says, is Chicago Limbs R Us.

“After our presentation, he said, ‘I’ll be happy to refer our clients to you if they feel we gave them a haunted device.’  Can you believe the nerve of that man!”

Larry Z. Rogers, owner of Chicago Limbs R Us admits he gives used limbs to some of his Medicare clients, but denies they’re haunted.

“There’s no such thing as ghosts!”  Exclaimed Rogers.

According to Rogers, Medicare is auditing billing for prosthetic devices as far back as 2009. If the doctor did not properly document the medical necessity of the device, the prosthetic provider will have to refund Medicare, even if the client is still using the device.  Rogers claims Medicare has not properly educated doctors on the proper filing of prosthetic claims, and expects prosthetic providers to educate doctors.

“Do you know how many doctors are in Chicago?”  Asked Rogers.  “Does Medicare seriously expect us to print out their letter from 2011 and force every doctor to read it?  Come on!”

Because of the audits, Rogers says Medicare clients are facing delays in getting new devices built.

“Our motto at Chicago Limbs R Us is, ‘When you’re ready for a new limb, we’ll have limb ready for you.’  I like to keep my word.”

Rogers says that while Medicare is approving a new device, Chicago Limbs R Us offers to sell them a cheaper used limb.

“It’s just to hold them over for the months it will take to get the government to approve a decent limb.  Hey.  It’s not perfect, but it can work for a while.”

CAM urges all owners of used prosthetic devices to visit their nearest psychic medium.  A CAM certified medium, according Becker, can either exorcise a ghost, or facilitate conflict resolution between the ghost and the current owner.

Rogers says he is doing his part to educate doctors on proper procedure to file a Medicare claim for a prosthetic limb.

“I’ve noticed that when a couple at risk youth accompany me to a doctor’s office, the doctor always finds the time to see me.  Plus they’re suddenly very good at listening to me.”

As for Branson, she hopes that her CAM counselor will help her get a good night’s rest.

“The host and I both want peace and quiet at night.  Maybe we can work something out.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook Police question Easter Bunny
Satan addresses American Atheist convention
North Korean sub spotted in Lake Michigan
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/3/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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