Sunday, March 24, 2013

Center for Inquiry’s feline fellows record public service announcement

Center for Inquiry’s three feline fellows, Anti-psychic Kitty, Andy, and Cassie, may be the first cats to have written and produced a public service announcement.  The video, produced by the Chicago based felines, is intended to clarify CFI’s Policy on Hostile Conduct/Harassment, and may be played before all public CFI events.

“I didn’t think the cats cared about such things.”  Said Phil, the cat’s caretaker and member of CFI Chicago.  “Yet, I woke up and saw all three of them on my bed.  Instead of a toy mouse, Andy had a DVD in his mouth.  I thought I heard sounds last night, but I figured it was Andy and Cassie running around.”

According to Phil, the cats, using a translation device, explained that they heard there were some humans didn’t fully understand the policy, and they wanted to help.  

“APK said this videos show that cats can do more than look cute on camera.  They can offer a valuable non-human prospective on issues. I mean wow.  This is diversity in action!”

Although The Babbler could not obtain a copy of the video, Phil did provide a transcript.


(Anti-psychic Kitty sits on a table in front of a psychic.  The psychic staring at Zener cards.)

Psychic: I give up.  There is too much anti-psychic energy in this room.

(The psychic leaves.  APK starts contently purring.  Behind him, Andy lifts his head from under the table and places his front paws onto the table.  He intently stares at his unsuspecting target.)

Andy: When the psychics go away.  The cats will play.

(Andy charges at APK.  The two start wrestling.)

APK: No!  Stop!  I don’t like this!  Get off me!”

Andy: Why?  This is fun!

(Cassie jumps onto the table.)

Cassie: Andy!  Stop that right now!

(Andy stops.  APK runs off.)

Cassie: You can’t do that!  This is a CFI affiliated event.  

Andy: We just had a difference of opinion.  I was having fun, and he wasn’t.  It’s no big deal.

Cassie: Andy!  You were pouncing on APK.  That’s interfering with his ability to enjoy this CFI affiliated event.  That is in violation of the policy on Hostile Conduct and Harassment.

Andy: But I didn’t intend to harass APK.  Therefore it was not harassment, and not covered by the policy!

Cassie: Andy!  It doesn’t matter what you intended.  You engaged in a behavior that APK did not like, and you persisted.  That is harassment, and is covered by the policy.

(Andy drags an iPad over towards Cassie and paws at it.)

Andy: The Internet says I am a certified Online Reputation Specialist.  That means I can do anything I want, including dramatic readings of people’s Facebook posts. So my profession grants me immunity from the harassment policy.

Cassie: All attendees, regardless of profession or certification, are covered by the policy. The policy even supplements the harassment policy for all CFI employees.  No one attending a CFI affiliated event is immune.

(Andy paws at the iPad.  He tilts is head, then looks up at Cassie.)

Andy: Um, you can’t tell me what to do because of Freeze Peach?

(Cassie sternly walks towards Andy.  She stops when their noses almost touch.)

Cassie: CFI’s affiliates support the exchange of ideas. However, when someone is silenced, or driven away, due to harassment, intimidation, or general hostility, that is a form of censorship.  Harassment is not free speech, and what you did was harassment!

(Andy bows his head in shame.)

Andy: I guess I will now be exiled from the secular movement forever because of this one act.  

Cassie: No Andy.  While I do have the option to remove you from this event, I think the appropriate remedial action for you to apologize.

(APK jumps back on table.)

Andy: I’m sorry I pounced on you during a CFI affiliated event.

APK: Don’t do it again.

Andy: I guess you can’t have fun at a CFI affiliated event.

Cassie: Of course you can.  You said you always wanted to give a physics demonstration using your toy mouse.  Why don’t you show it to the audience?

(Andy walks over to his toy mouse.)

Andy: An object at rest stays a rest.  When I move an object.  (Andy swipes at the mouse.)  I KEEP IT IN MOTION!

(Andy chases the mouse off camera.  Cassie looks into the camera.)

Cassie: If you have any questions, or wish to report an incident of hostile conduct or harassment, please speak to any event coordinators and they will work to quickly resolve the issue.  We hope you will find the event to be a rewarding experience.  Just remember these three undeniable truths.  I’m so pretty.


(Cut to Andy by the food and water bowls.  He’s holding the toy mouse in his mouth.  Andy drops the mouse into his water dish, then faces the camera.)



A spokesperson for CFI Washington, DC sent the following e-mail.

We are impressed with our feline fellow’s effort.  Our canine fellows will be recording their own video in response.

No other CFI officials would comment.

Phil believes the video could be shown at the opening of the Women in Secularism conference in May.

“The president of CFI might want to make some changes, but I’m certain that someday this video will be shown before every CFI event.”

CFI is a think-tank with a mission to “foster a secular society based on science, reason, freedom of inquiry, and humanist values.”  It has 39 chapters around the world.  Affiliated groups include the Committee for Scientific InquiryCouncil for Secular Humanism, and the Institute for the Secularization of Islamic Society.

Some people say that CSI works with The New World Order to cover up the existence of space aliens.  They also say that CSI represents Earth’s skeptical movement to the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science.

Also in The Babbler:

Sources: Mayor Claar dares IBGA’s Andy Shaw to run against him
Rahm: Make me mayor for life or else Chicago will only have one public school!
Earth narrowly avoids destruction as neighboring universe collides with ours
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/30/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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