Sunday, March 17, 2013

Amanda Palmer and Dennis Rodman denied access to Clow UFO Base

Photo by Walter Huang.

By Reporter X

Former Bulls player Dennis Rodman and alternative musician Amanda Palmer attempted to enter Clow UFO base, but were stopped by Clow Airport security.

Various sources agree that Palmer and Rodman arrived in limousine and walked to the front desk. Rodman then said, “Pookie” to the receptionist.  When the receptionist looked confused, he repeated the word.

Said one Clow employee, “I guess he was trying use an old password to get into the (UFO Base).  Except he was at the wrong checkpoint.  He was just talking to the airport staff.  They are unaware of the UFOs housed here.”

After several minutes of repeating the word, four security guards approached the pair.  Rodman explained that they needed to speak with the ambassador of the Martian Colonies.

Explained Rodman, “You see, I’ve been reading The Babbler.  They’re saying that the colonists are going to divert a comet to crash into Mars.  The impact will destroy all the rovers and all the satellites we’ve sent there.  That’s not really cool.  That’s bad.  So I’m here to do something.  You see, I used to party with the Martians back in the 90s.  I was down with them.  So down, they helped improve my sense of fashion.  They used to throw great parties here.”

A security guard disagreed.  “As I recall, you’ve only been here once.  You stumbled out of a private plane and somehow made it to the lobby.  While you waited for a Bulls employee to pick you up, you picked up a copy of The Babbler, and started telling everyone its the truth.  We told you no one believes The Babbler.”  

“Do I look like a nobody?”  Countered Rodman.  “Anyway, since my visit to North Korea, I realized that diplomacy is my new calling.  So I’m here to use my connections and skills to bring peace between Earth and the Colonies.”

“Um, you’re going to talk the Martians into peace with Earth?”

“Not the Martians.  The Colonists.  There’s a big difference.  Actually, all I’m doing is opening the door.  My friend Amanda will do the real talking.  Have you seen her TED talk?”

Palmer spoke up.  “We’re so afraid of what The Colonists going to say to us, that we don’t ask them for things.  My career is based upon asking people for things, so I’m not afraid to ask The Colonists for anything.  I’m going to ask them not to destroy our rovers and satellites.  Then I’m going to ask them to let me perform for them.  Then I’m going to ask them to abduct blogger Smashly and bring her to my concert.  That will teach her to criticize my TED talk!  Then I’m going to ask everyone at the concert to give me money!”

One of the guards laughed.  He explained that Clow has had to deal with many “Babbler tourists,” but she was the craziest he’d ever met.

“I’ll show you how easy it is for people to give you money, if you’ll only make it easy for them to do it!”

Palmer then walked to Meijer, pulled a milk crate out of her backpack, then stood on it.  She intensely stared at customers as they entered and left Meijer.

Ten minutes later, Bolingbrook police officers approached her and asked to see her solicitation license.  She explained that she was building an emotional connection with the residents of Bolingbrook so they would feel free to give her money.  When told that she was on private property and needed to leave, she noted that she never had an empty tip jar in her life, and was not going to leave until someone freely donated.

She added, “If you arrest me, I am entitled to one tweet!  My legion of fans will decend upon Bolingbrook with free lawyers to defend my First Amendment right to finically connect with my fans!”

A few minutes later, Mayor Roger Claar approached Palmer.  

“Amanda F. Palmer!”  He exclaimed.  “It is good to see connecting with so many residents in my village.  Your “Bed Song” makes some of my young friends cry.”

Palmer smiled.

“Let me give you a reasonable donation.  Now why don’t you go home and be with your husband.”

Claar placed a wad of cash into her tip jar.  Palmer stepped off the milk crate and collected the money.

She said, “My husband can always catch up with me.  This is enough money to get me to Chicago.  When I get there, I can ask my fans to give me crash space, a stage, and musicians willing to perform for free.  If this ninja show goes well, maybe I’ll let the audience sign my naked body!”

After Palmer left, Claar placed a phone call.

Neil?  I took care of it.  Just remember to pay me back in two weeks, and I won’t charge you interest.”

The Department of Interstellar Affairs released the following statement:
Dennis Rodman is currently barred for life from Clow for matters we cannot disclose at the time. Amanda Palmer is not banned from Clow, but simply lacks the clearance necessary to gain access.  If the New World Order or an extraterrestrial government wishes to sponsor her, we will reconsider her status.

Palmer and Rodman could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Leprechauns and Chicago rappers celebrate musical collaboration
Editorial: Believers ignore the skeptical civil war at their own risk
Soviets to end snow attacks against Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/20/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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