Sunday, February 17, 2013

Space Pope threatens Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

Space Pope Lacoxo MMIII threatened Bolingbrook with “an act of God” unless Earth’s Catholic Church submitted to his authority.

“For too long, there has been a deep rift between the voice of God, and Earth’s Catholic Church.  Pope Benedict XVI has wisely stepped down.  Now it is up to the College of Cardinals finally accept God’s grace or face his wrath!”

In a live broadcast over the Interstellar Internet, Lacoxo accepted responsibility for the recent lightening strike at The Vatican, the February Russian Meteorite strike, a close encounter with an asteroid, and a fireball over San Francisco.  If the Catholic Church did not allow itself to be annexed into the Universal Catholic Church by March 15, Lacoxo said he would direct God to strike Bolingbrook.

“You think Clow UFO Base is the most secretive port on Earth.  Even a bigger secret than your Area 51.  Let me assure you, there is no secret that can be hidden from God, and no place on Earth that is immune from his wrath.  If it takes another act of God under my direction to make humanity understand this, then I will ask God to act accordingly!”

Clow UFO Base is now on high alert.  Sources say they are trying to prepare for any improbable disasters God might inflict upon Bolingbrook.  

“We’re looking at anything from a micro-black hole strike, a rain of frogs, the city water supply turning to blood, a directed gamma ray burst, or even Rhonda Reed-Slaughter being elected mayor.”  Said one anonymous source.  “If an all powerful being is against you, you have to prepare for anything!”

Mayor Roger Claar, during an interstellar press conference, promised a swift recovery if God attacked Bolingbrook.

“Thanks to my campaign donations and a good working relationship with the Illinois Republican Party, there won’t be any delay getting federal disaster relief here.  Not only will we be at the top of any list, but the Republicans will shame anyone who dares to interfere with our recovery!”

Claar also implored the Universal Catholic Church to end their war against the Vatican.  

“This infighting only helps Richard Dawkins!”  Said Claar.  “We all believe in the same God.  Just because we can’t agree on how to apply His laws does not mean have to fight each other.  There can be more than one church.  Bolingbrook has over 30 alone. We should use God’s power for greatness, not as a weapon of mass destruction.”

Sources also say that Claar sent an e-mail to the Lacoxo offering Clow as neutral ground to speak with Cardinal Francis George.  He hopes that such a meeting could eventually lead to a conclave with leaders of both the Universal Catholic Church, and the Catholic Church.

When asked to comment, a receptionist for George replied, “The Babbler?  Oh well let me state that while Roger may be a good man, he is not a candidate for Pope.”

Also in The Babbler:

Sources: Claar refused glass of Fracking Fluid
Big Wind trying to build wind farms in Lake Michigan
Chicago Mayor: Police department is still not for sale!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/24/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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