Sunday, February 10, 2013

Sources reveal Bolingbrook’s aerial drone fleet


Anonymous sources claim that Bolingbrook owns a fleet of aerial drones.

“Why wouldn’t we?”  Said one source with connections to Village Hall.  “Homeland Security keeps giving us money, and we have to spend it.  Why not spend it on drones?”

According to the sources, Bolingbrook has approximately 8 Predator B drones, 12 Aeryon Scouts, and 2 experimental insect-sized drones.  The drones, say the sources, assist in traffic enforcement, aid firefighters, search for fugitives, and keep Bolingbrook’s village limits secured from “unwanted intrusions.”

“This is why I’m proud to be a Bolingbrook resident.”  Said another source.  “Seattle rejected its dronesCharlottesville made them illegal.  We embrace technology designed to keep our community safe.  Seattle’s political machine is worried about unreasonable searches.  I’m sorry, but if your doing something that can be noticed by an infrared camera at 1000 feet above the ground, it’s reasonable to check it out.  I swear, some people think that if you live in a place with a roof and walls, you can do anything you want.”

He also claimed that the drone fleet helped lead to the capture of criminals who wanted to use Clow Airport to traffic illegal drugs.  However, he could not offer proof of this claim.

Some residents have expressed concerns about the drones.

Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, claims a drone spied on her.  She says she was writing a speech to present during public comments at a Village Board meeting when Mayor Roger Claar called.

“Roger said he received my e-mail about my concerns regarding the trading of an old sewer cleaning truck for a new one.  I don’t remember sending him an e-mail.  Anyway, after talking to Roger, I opened up my blinds, and saw a toy drone flying inches from my window.  Only I knew it had to be modified!  It was spying on me!  Roger was spying on me!  But do you know the really weird part?  An hour later, my neighbor apologized for having his kids fly their Quadricopter into my backyard.  Then an e-mail to Roger appeared in my sent folder.  Truly, Roger is a powerful man!”

Clint, who asked that we not use his last name, accuses the village of using his backyard for drone target practice.

“I was reading the Unconventional Conservative’s post about how Homeland Security had paid her a visit.  It made me want to buy a gun.  Then I heard this buzzing sound.  Seconds then I heard a popping sound in my backyard.  When I got outside, I saw a the remains of a balloon, and a pile of ice.  A drone must have dropped a water balloon into my backyard!  I realized that I didn’t need a gun to protect my liberties.  I needed an antiaircraft missle system!”

When asked to comment, Claar denied the existence of a fleet of drones, saying that buying and maintaining such a fleet would bankrupt the village.  He added that he had confidence in the Bolingbrook Police Department, and they don’t need “robotic assistance.”

“If I had a drone fleet you would know about it.”  Claar said.  “There would be a drone flying over your office 24/7!”

Also in The Babbler:

Clow UFO Base expects record traffic levels this year
Claar to visit Comet ISON
Urban tank rejected from Chicago Car Show
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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