Sunday, February 24, 2013

Eyewitnesses: Bolingbrook officials shopping for android mayoral candidate


Eyewitness in Orlando Florida claim that Bolingbrook officials tried to buy android parts at The American Academy of Orthotists and Prosthetists’s annual meeting.

“You think you’ve heard everything in this business,” said vendor David Gim.  “Then you get these guys saying they want parts for a robot mayoral candidate.”

Though Mayor Roger Claar is running for what he claims will be his last term, some say that “powerful interests” are concerned about the 2017 elections.  Their solution, according to the sources, is to build the perfect candidate.

“No human can replace Roger,”  Said one anonymous source.  “But an android could!  Especially one that can accept remote commands from Roger!  Roger would tell it what to do, and the android would handle the small details.  It’s perfect!”

The source cited the success of the village trustee android program.

“Since the beginning of the 21st century, all trustees are androids.  No one has noticed the difference.  Sure one candidate called them ‘Roger’s Robots’ but that guy lost.  Of course there are Babbler articles about the androids, but no one believes The Babbler.”

AAOP members first noticed something odd the night before the annual meeting.

“I was taking pictures in the upstairs bar.”  Said Paul, who asked not to be identified.  “Then this man walked up to me.  He said, ‘Make sure you tell Bonnie that I paid for this drink with my own money.  The taxpayers won’t be covering any of these awesome drinks!  Oh, I missed the opening session, but I’m not here to attend meeting.  I’m here to meet the vendors!’  I thought he was with the (Veterans Administration) but my VA friends said they didn’t know who he was.”

The vendors also confirmed meeting alleged Bolingbrook officials.

“I was setting up the mannequin.”  Said Doug from Limbs R US.  “This guy came up to me and asked if we had a more realistic looking head.  I told him it was a mannequin we were using to show off our artificial arms.  He said that the vandors were showing off lots of ‘arm parts’ and asked where I could find the ‘head parts.’  How did he get into the meeting?”

Clint Osgoode, from Osgoode O and P, described his encounter with the Bolingbrook officials.

“I was showing off my own artificial legs, because not only am I an Osgoode provider, I’m also a client!  Then these two bozos approached me.”

According to Osgoode, one of the men pointed at him and yelled, “Look at this model!  It’s perfect!”

The other man replied, “Does it come with leg covers?”

“It doesn’t need leg covers!  We’ll say he’s a war veteran.  Bonnie and her people wouldn’t dare criticize it.  This model is guaranteed winner.”  

The other man then asked Osgoode, “Can we speak with your creator?”

Said Osgoode, “The clean version of what I told them is that they were idiots.  Just because I lost my legs doesn’t mean I lost my humanity!  I make good products that give amputees, children and stroke victims the ability to live productive lives.  How dare they treat me like a cyborg just because I have c-legs!”

When Academy security confronted the officials, the officials confirmed that they were looking for android parts.

“This is the Academy of Android Operators and Producers annual meeting, right?”  Asked one of the officials.

Security corrected the officials, then took their badges away.  As the officials were escorted back to the Caribe Royale, an official said, “Don’t worry.  We can write this off as an economic development trip.”

No one in Village Hall would confirm the story on the record.  During one phone call, a man in the background, who sounded like Claar, yelled, “It took you two and a half years to discover that The Babbler did a series of articles about the past mayors of Bolingbrook?  What kind of opposition researchers are you?”

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-psychic Kitty barred from Chicago Skepticamp
Soviets prepare third snow attack against Bolingbrook
Dr. Steven Novella begs for end to the skeptical civil war
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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