Sunday, February 3, 2013

CFI Director Paul Fidalgo injured at Clow UFO Base: A P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S Special Report

Note:  Every ten years, extraterrestrials and their human skeptical allies hold a P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S convention at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base.  This is the first convention since 1993 that skeptics have been represented by The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry and it’s parent group, Center For Inquiry.  The following story is a highlight from the convention.

By Reporter X

Center for Inquiry Communications director Paul Fidalgo suffered several skull fractures and a concussion after “an incident” at Clow UFO Base.

“He will be fine.”  Said Dana Carlson, spokesperson for Clow’s medical department.  “He received the best medical treatment in the solar system.  We expect him resume writing The Morning Heresy very soon. 

According to eyewitnesses, Fidalgo was inside a UFO Hanger, using a prototype Nexus 17.  Fidalgo, say the witnesses, stopped next to a spacecraft and yelled, “Why are Internet commenters so stupid?”  The witnesses say Fidalgo head-butted the craft.  Then his head snapped back, and he fell to the ground hard.

“Ow.”  Fidalgo muttered.

Medical personnel rushed him to a medical bay, and immediately stabilized him.

According to anonymous sources, Fidalgo head-butted a ship with a kinetic repulsive hull.  The hull can redirect 99.99999 percent of kinetic energy back towards the source.

“It’s great when you’re traveling a super-luminal speeds and you hit a speck of interstellar dust.  Normally, that particle would tear through the strongest steel, but it doesn’t hard these hulls.  Of course, only a foolish person would knowingly head-butt a ship with this kind of hull.”

Other sources say that Fidalgo apologized for his action, and promised to be careful while surfing the Internet.  A doctor accepted his apology and offered to improve Fidalgo’s brain efficiency as a show of goodwill towards CFI.

“Don’t make me smarter.”  Fidalgo allegedly said.  “It will only increase my annoyance towards Internet commenters.”

Fidalgo could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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