Sunday, February 24, 2013

Eyewitnesses: Bolingbrook officials shopping for android mayoral candidate

Eyewitness in Orlando Florida claim that Bolingbrook officials tried to buy android parts at The American Academy of Orthotists and Prosthetists’s annual meeting.

“You think you’ve heard everything in this business,” said vendor David Gim.  “Then you get these guys saying they want parts for a robot mayoral candidate.”

Though Mayor Roger Claar is running for what he claims will be his last term, some say that “powerful interests” are concerned about the 2017 elections.  Their solution, according to the sources, is to build the perfect candidate.

“No human can replace Roger,”  Said one anonymous source.  “But an android could!  Especially one that can accept remote commands from Roger!  Roger would tell it what to do, and the android would handle the small details.  It’s perfect!”

The source cited the success of the village trustee android program.

“Since the beginning of the 21st century, all trustees are androids.  No one has noticed the difference.  Sure one candidate called them ‘Roger’s Robots’ but that guy lost.  Of course there are Babbler articles about the androids, but no one believes The Babbler.”

AAOP members first noticed something odd the night before the annual meeting.

“I was taking pictures in the upstairs bar.”  Said Paul, who asked not to be identified.  “Then this man walked up to me.  He said, ‘Make sure you tell Bonnie that I paid for this drink with my own money.  The taxpayers won’t be covering any of these awesome drinks!  Oh, I missed the opening session, but I’m not here to attend meeting.  I’m here to meet the vendors!’  I thought he was with the (Veterans Administration) but my VA friends said they didn’t know who he was.”

The vendors also confirmed meeting alleged Bolingbrook officials.

“I was setting up the mannequin.”  Said Doug from Limbs R US.  “This guy came up to me and asked if we had a more realistic looking head.  I told him it was a mannequin we were using to show off our artificial arms.  He said that the vandors were showing off lots of ‘arm parts’ and asked where I could find the ‘head parts.’  How did he get into the meeting?”

Clint Osgoode, from Osgoode O and P, described his encounter with the Bolingbrook officials.

“I was showing off my own artificial legs, because not only am I an Osgoode provider, I’m also a client!  Then these two bozos approached me.”

According to Osgoode, one of the men pointed at him and yelled, “Look at this model!  It’s perfect!”

The other man replied, “Does it come with leg covers?”

“It doesn’t need leg covers!  We’ll say he’s a war veteran.  Bonnie and her people wouldn’t dare criticize it.  This model is guaranteed winner.”  

The other man then asked Osgoode, “Can we speak with your creator?”

Said Osgoode, “The clean version of what I told them is that they were idiots.  Just because I lost my legs doesn’t mean I lost my humanity!  I make good products that give amputees, children and stroke victims the ability to live productive lives.  How dare they treat me like a cyborg just because I have c-legs!”

When Academy security confronted the officials, the officials confirmed that they were looking for android parts.

“This is the Academy of Android Operators and Producers annual meeting, right?”  Asked one of the officials.

Security corrected the officials, then took their badges away.  As the officials were escorted back to the Caribe Royale, an official said, “Don’t worry.  We can write this off as an economic development trip.”

No one in Village Hall would confirm the story on the record.  During one phone call, a man in the background, who sounded like Claar, yelled, “It took you two and a half years to discover that The Babbler did a series of articles about the past mayors of Bolingbrook?  What kind of opposition researchers are you?”

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-psychic Kitty barred from Chicago Skepticamp
Soviets prepare third snow attack against Bolingbrook
Dr. Steven Novella begs for end to the skeptical civil war
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Space Pope threatens Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

Space Pope Lacoxo MMIII threatened Bolingbrook with “an act of God” unless Earth’s Catholic Church submitted to his authority.

“For too long, there has been a deep rift between the voice of God, and Earth’s Catholic Church.  Pope Benedict XVI has wisely stepped down.  Now it is up to the College of Cardinals finally accept God’s grace or face his wrath!”

In a live broadcast over the Interstellar Internet, Lacoxo accepted responsibility for the recent lightening strike at The Vatican, the February Russian Meteorite strike, a close encounter with an asteroid, and a fireball over San Francisco.  If the Catholic Church did not allow itself to be annexed into the Universal Catholic Church by March 15, Lacoxo said he would direct God to strike Bolingbrook.

“You think Clow UFO Base is the most secretive port on Earth.  Even a bigger secret than your Area 51.  Let me assure you, there is no secret that can be hidden from God, and no place on Earth that is immune from his wrath.  If it takes another act of God under my direction to make humanity understand this, then I will ask God to act accordingly!”

Clow UFO Base is now on high alert.  Sources say they are trying to prepare for any improbable disasters God might inflict upon Bolingbrook.  

“We’re looking at anything from a micro-black hole strike, a rain of frogs, the city water supply turning to blood, a directed gamma ray burst, or even Rhonda Reed-Slaughter being elected mayor.”  Said one anonymous source.  “If an all powerful being is against you, you have to prepare for anything!”

Mayor Roger Claar, during an interstellar press conference, promised a swift recovery if God attacked Bolingbrook.

“Thanks to my campaign donations and a good working relationship with the Illinois Republican Party, there won’t be any delay getting federal disaster relief here.  Not only will we be at the top of any list, but the Republicans will shame anyone who dares to interfere with our recovery!”

Claar also implored the Universal Catholic Church to end their war against the Vatican.  

“This infighting only helps Richard Dawkins!”  Said Claar.  “We all believe in the same God.  Just because we can’t agree on how to apply His laws does not mean have to fight each other.  There can be more than one church.  Bolingbrook has over 30 alone. We should use God’s power for greatness, not as a weapon of mass destruction.”

Sources also say that Claar sent an e-mail to the Lacoxo offering Clow as neutral ground to speak with Cardinal Francis George.  He hopes that such a meeting could eventually lead to a conclave with leaders of both the Universal Catholic Church, and the Catholic Church.

When asked to comment, a receptionist for George replied, “The Babbler?  Oh well let me state that while Roger may be a good man, he is not a candidate for Pope.”

Also in The Babbler:

Sources: Claar refused glass of Fracking Fluid
Big Wind trying to build wind farms in Lake Michigan
Chicago Mayor: Police department is still not for sale!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/24/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Sources reveal Bolingbrook’s aerial drone fleet

Anonymous sources claim that Bolingbrook owns a fleet of aerial drones.

“Why wouldn’t we?”  Said one source with connections to Village Hall.  “Homeland Security keeps giving us money, and we have to spend it.  Why not spend it on drones?”

According to the sources, Bolingbrook has approximately 8 Predator B drones, 12 Aeryon Scouts, and 2 experimental insect-sized drones.  The drones, say the sources, assist in traffic enforcement, aid firefighters, search for fugitives, and keep Bolingbrook’s village limits secured from “unwanted intrusions.”

“This is why I’m proud to be a Bolingbrook resident.”  Said another source.  “Seattle rejected its dronesCharlottesville made them illegal.  We embrace technology designed to keep our community safe.  Seattle’s political machine is worried about unreasonable searches.  I’m sorry, but if your doing something that can be noticed by an infrared camera at 1000 feet above the ground, it’s reasonable to check it out.  I swear, some people think that if you live in a place with a roof and walls, you can do anything you want.”

He also claimed that the drone fleet helped lead to the capture of criminals who wanted to use Clow Airport to traffic illegal drugs.  However, he could not offer proof of this claim.

Some residents have expressed concerns about the drones.

Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, claims a drone spied on her.  She says she was writing a speech to present during public comments at a Village Board meeting when Mayor Roger Claar called.

“Roger said he received my e-mail about my concerns regarding the trading of an old sewer cleaning truck for a new one.  I don’t remember sending him an e-mail.  Anyway, after talking to Roger, I opened up my blinds, and saw a toy drone flying inches from my window.  Only I knew it had to be modified!  It was spying on me!  Roger was spying on me!  But do you know the really weird part?  An hour later, my neighbor apologized for having his kids fly their Quadricopter into my backyard.  Then an e-mail to Roger appeared in my sent folder.  Truly, Roger is a powerful man!”

Clint, who asked that we not use his last name, accuses the village of using his backyard for drone target practice.

“I was reading the Unconventional Conservative’s post about how Homeland Security had paid her a visit.  It made me want to buy a gun.  Then I heard this buzzing sound.  Seconds then I heard a popping sound in my backyard.  When I got outside, I saw a the remains of a balloon, and a pile of ice.  A drone must have dropped a water balloon into my backyard!  I realized that I didn’t need a gun to protect my liberties.  I needed an antiaircraft missle system!”

When asked to comment, Claar denied the existence of a fleet of drones, saying that buying and maintaining such a fleet would bankrupt the village.  He added that he had confidence in the Bolingbrook Police Department, and they don’t need “robotic assistance.”

“If I had a drone fleet you would know about it.”  Claar said.  “There would be a drone flying over your office 24/7!”

Also in The Babbler:

Clow UFO Base expects record traffic levels this year
Claar to visit Comet ISON
Urban tank rejected from Chicago Car Show
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/14/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Skeptic Ben Radford debunks extraterrestrials to their faces: A P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S special report

Ben Radford
Photo by Sgerbic
Note:  Every ten years, extraterrestrials and their human skeptical allies hold a P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S convention at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base.  This is the first convention since 1993 that skeptics have been represented by The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry and it’s parent group, Center For Inquiry.  The following story is a highlight from the convention.
By Reporter X

CSI Research Fellow Ben Radford shocked extraterrestrial P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S. guests by “debunking” their existence.  

Said Snop Klo of Gliese 676 C, “I did not travel 54 light years just to be told I don’t exist!”

Convention organizers, who asked not to be identified, say Radford was invited to speak to the Third Gender Caucus, a group for species that have more than two genders.  They say he was brought in to balance featured speaker Zinnia Jones, a human transgendered video blogger.

“After we booked Zinnia, we were told about the deep rift in your skeptical community.” Said an alien, who asked to be identified as Ze.  “So we thought we’d invite Ben to talk about human gender myths.  We thought it would be entertaining, and promote good relations with our divided allies.”

When Radford walked on stage, he immediately started examining the podium.  

Rebecca Watson must be around here somewhere.”  He said.

After a few seconds, he addressed the audience.

“I was told that I was going to address an audience of aliens.”  Said Radford.  “I am, however, a skeptic.  I know that it is impossible for aliens to be on Earth.  You are all part of an elaborate hoax, and you failed to fool me, one of the most prominent skeptics on Earth!”

Radford stated that the evolution of intelligent life is very rare.

“As overrated biologist Dr. P.Z Myers pointed out, there have been five major extinction events on Earth.  Highly intelligent life has only appeared once in 3.5 billion years.  That tells me that intelligent life is rare.  Yet you expect me to believe that there are enough species to fill an auditorium?  I don’t think so!”

Radford then attacked the feasibility of interstellar travel.

“I’m sorry, but nothing can go faster than the speed of light.  That means spending decades on a space ship.   Decades inside a craft facing the harshest conditions in the universe.  I’m skeptical of the ability to build a life sustaining craft that survive a trip to Alpha Centauri, let alone colonize the galaxy!  That’s why I haven’t seen any aliens or heard their radio broadcasts.  They aren’t out there!”

Radford then accused the aliens of being humans in disguise.  He singled out some that he suspected were really bloggers on Skepchick.

“You’re really Maria, and you’re that A chick.”  Then he pointed at an insectoid creature.  “You’re not even trying!”

At the end of his speech, Radford announced, “Before I answer any questions, we will have the traditional response from CFI’s president, Ron Lindsay.”

An obviously shocked Lindsay took to the podium.  After glaring at Radford, he addressed the audience.

“Ben, like any good skeptic, believes that extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.  I will present that evidence to him.”

Lindsay then e-mailed Radford physics equations that allow faster than light travel, studies of alien DNA, and the solution to the Drake Equation.

Lindsay than started projecting giant holographic images of CFI founder Paul Kurtz.

“Here is Paul in 1976 with two alien dignitaries and American Humanist Association president Bette Chambers.  Here is another picture of Paul in 1980 signing a treaty with the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science designating the Council for Democratic and Secular Humanism as the official ambassador of Earth’s skeptical movement.  Here is a photo of Paul in 1996 getting dragged out of Clow after The James Randi Educational Foundation became the skeptical movement’s ambassador organization.  Note that Paul’s two one finger salutes were directed at James Randi.  Finally here’s a picture from 2011 showing Randi and the president of the IAAS giving Paul a lifetime achievement award.  Notice how everyone is smiling this time.”

After a few more examples, Lindsay concluded by saying, “Human skeptics are well known for their ability to transcend cognitive dissonance and change their minds when presented with the facts.  As Ben will now demonstrate.”

Obviously stunned, Radford slowly walked back to the podium and said, “Um.  I’m sorry.  I guess I should be asking you questions instead of lecturing.”

One alien stood up and yelled, “Don’t feel bad.  It’s OK to be skeptical.  In fact, it is only when you are able to debunk your own existence that you will achieve true skeptical inner peace.”

When Radford left the stage, Jones walked up to the microphone.

“Hello.  I never doubted you guys for a minute.”

The crowd erupted in cheers and applause.  

Backstage, CSI Executive Director Barry Karr told Radford that it would be better if he went back to being a “Level One Skeptic.”

“What does that mean?”  Asked Radford.

“I could tell you, but you won’t remember it tomorrow.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

CFI Director Paul Fidalgo injured at Clow UFO Base: A P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S Special Report

Note:  Every ten years, extraterrestrials and their human skeptical allies hold a P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S convention at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base.  This is the first convention since 1993 that skeptics have been represented by The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry and it’s parent group, Center For Inquiry.  The following story is a highlight from the convention.

By Reporter X

Center for Inquiry Communications director Paul Fidalgo suffered several skull fractures and a concussion after “an incident” at Clow UFO Base.

“He will be fine.”  Said Dana Carlson, spokesperson for Clow’s medical department.  “He received the best medical treatment in the solar system.  We expect him resume writing The Morning Heresy very soon. 

According to eyewitnesses, Fidalgo was inside a UFO Hanger, using a prototype Nexus 17.  Fidalgo, say the witnesses, stopped next to a spacecraft and yelled, “Why are Internet commenters so stupid?”  The witnesses say Fidalgo head-butted the craft.  Then his head snapped back, and he fell to the ground hard.

“Ow.”  Fidalgo muttered.

Medical personnel rushed him to a medical bay, and immediately stabilized him.

According to anonymous sources, Fidalgo head-butted a ship with a kinetic repulsive hull.  The hull can redirect 99.99999 percent of kinetic energy back towards the source.

“It’s great when you’re traveling a super-luminal speeds and you hit a speck of interstellar dust.  Normally, that particle would tear through the strongest steel, but it doesn’t hard these hulls.  Of course, only a foolish person would knowingly head-butt a ship with this kind of hull.”

Other sources say that Fidalgo apologized for his action, and promised to be careful while surfing the Internet.  A doctor accepted his apology and offered to improve Fidalgo’s brain efficiency as a show of goodwill towards CFI.

“Don’t make me smarter.”  Fidalgo allegedly said.  “It will only increase my annoyance towards Internet commenters.”

Fidalgo could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Melody Hensley honored at P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S closing ceremonies: A P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S special report

Note:  Every ten years, extraterrestrials and their human skeptical allies hold a P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S convention at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base.  This is the first convention since 1993 that skeptics have been represented by The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry and it’s parent group, Center For Inquiry.  The following story is a highlight from the convention.

By Reporter X

Center for Inquiry Washington DC Director Melody Hensley received a 20 minute standing ovation from P.R.O.G.R.E.S.S attendees after being awarded a Skepticism under Fire award.

Vice-council of the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science La Gost told the audience at Clow UFO Base that she received the award for creating the upcoming Women in Secularism Conference.  

“She has faced online harassment from those who claim to be skeptical and rational.  My friends, anyone who attacks a person’s physical appearance can claim to be skeptical, but we do not consider them part of Earth’s skeptical community.”

Hensley addressed the audience by holographic project. She was obviously moved by the standing ovation.

“Between the parody accounts, the online bullies, and so-called friends turning their backs on me, it’s been hard. It is great to be receive support from the stars, and from my real friends.”

Hensley announced that Women in Secularism 2 would have an extraterrestrial track of speakers, and announced three confirmed extraterrestrial speakers.  She also announced the registration link on the Interstellar Internet.  All genders, she said, are welcome to attend.

“Women in Secularism 2 is about honoring the women who fight superstition across the galaxy, and honoring those women who fight to prepare humanity for entry in the interstellar community.  We have a long way to go, but we aren’t tired!”

Also in The Babbler:

Clow UFO Base questions aliens regarding Super Bowl Blackout
Soviets threaten several snow attacks across the country
Ghost of Walter Payton offers to help the Bears get to the Super Bowl
God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/6/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.