Sunday, January 13, 2013

US Military rejects “Arms for Atheist Concerts” deal

By Reporter X

The US Military rejected an offer to receive extraterrestrial weapons in exchange for allowing an atheist themed concert at Camp Pendleton.

After six hour meeting at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, representatives from each military branch and board members from Fomalhaut Tools for Peace corporation failed to sign a sales contract.  One military representative, who asked to remain anonymous, compared the negotiations to getting a contract offer from Satan.

“They were offering us weapons to ensure our military superiority in exchange for promoting Godlessness!  We thought it was more important to offer our soldiers salvation.”

Lead salesperson Loogoo, said he was disappointed in the US Military.  “There are enlightened defenders in your military who feel discriminated against.  Our company just wanted to help them by making a more than generous offer to your leaders.”

According to various sources, TFP demonstrated one of their older battle armor models.  The demonstrated with Loogoo holding up an Improvised Explosive Device.

“Devices like these are responsible for over 66% of coalition deaths in Afghanistan.”    Said Loogoo.  He then handed the device to an alien wearing “Peace Shield Battle Armor.”  Before the observers could react, the device exploded harmlessly in the alien’s gloved hand.

“Their most powerful weapon.  Rendered harmless!  Wait.  There’s more.  Today, if you want to move your troops from the sea to land, you had to use loud helicopters, clumsy hovercraft, or inflatable rafts.”

The armor then hovered three feet off the ground.

“Our Peace Shield allows soldiers to fly themselves to the front line.  Why land on a beach when you can land on your enemy’s head?  How much would you pay for this?  Before you answer, there’s more!”

The armor landed as assistants wheeled out a box.  Loogoo claimed that each side of the box was three feet of solid lead.

“You don’t want to give your troops advanced armor, only to give them glorified metal shooters to fight back.”

The alien turned towards the box.  Seconds later, a puff of smoke appeared, along with a small hole in the box.  Loogoo opened the box, and pulled out a paper target.  There was a hole in the bullseye.

“With our active neutrino sensors, your soldiers can see anything.  Combined with our neutrino guns, they can shoot anything they see!”

After concluding the demonstration, Loogoo said, “All this can be yours for the low cost giving Camp Pendleton’s Rock Beyond Belief concert the same level of support as the Armor of Light concert!”

Military leaders than made several counteroffers, none involving the concerts.

“Why are you so insistent in promoting religious belief in your troops?”  Asked Loogoo.

“We feel that it prevents suicides.”  Said one leader.

“Do you have proof?”  Asked Loogoo.

“Not really, but after spending over a $100 million dollars on a spiritual fitness test, we have faith that it will work.”

“So you’re not concerned that they’ll think the enemy is doing them a favor by sending them to a glorious afterlife?”

Another leader interjected.  “Christ commands us to save the souls under out command.  Saved souls understand that it is a sin to commit suicide.”

“Isn’t he the prince of peace?”  Asked Loogoo.

The leader shook his head.  “That’s a common misconception, which would take too long to explain to our soldiers.  So we want them to think that Christ is part of the high command.  So by following our orders, they’re following Christ’s orders.”

After the meeting, Tools for Peace released a statement saying, “We tried to help the freethinkers in your military, but we now realize that this will be a long term project.”

A military source, who asked to remain anonymous, said denied the story.

“We were offered used battle armor.  We do not buy anything used!”

In the background, a man said, “No sir!  I do not consider my spiritual score to be a failure.  I consider it the wave of the future.”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets: No snow until Chicago surrenders
Bonnie: I’m too successful to be Mayor of Bolingbrook
Clow wins best UFO base award
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/17/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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