Sunday, January 27, 2013

Rabid Bigfoot terrorizes Bolingbrook

Enhanced with an image from The Bigfoot Lunch Club.

(Content Warning: Short descriptions of property damage and an assault by a Bigfoot.)
A rabid Bigfoot’s rampage near the Elmhurst-Chicago Quarry in Bolingbrook left one person injured and thousands of dollars of damage.  

“The situation is under control.”  Said Paul Michaels, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  “While we have not completed our search of the area, we firmly believe this was an isolated incident.”

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, showed a toolshed that he claims was destroyed by the Bigfoot.

“I just finished building the thing and I was walking back to house.”  Said Doug.  “Then this hairy man jumped over the fence.  Before I could pull out my hand gun, it scream and then attacked my shed.   When it looked at me, I could see it was foaming at the mouth.  I knew I was in trouble, and I was having a problem pulling my gun out.  Fortunately for me, it turned and ran though the fence into my neighbor’s yard.”

Later, according to Doug, a women climbed over the fence.  According to Doug, she shook her head and said, “It’s your fault for putting a bright metal building in your backyard.  That’s why he attacked.”  Before Doug could reply, the woman ran away, following the Bigfoot’s path of destruction.  

Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, claims the Bigfoot damaged her kitchen.

“I was fixing lunch, and listening to some music when that thing attacked!  Then I heard a window shattering!  I looked and I saw this huge hairy arm smashing my MP3 player!  I thought I was scared, but then it pulled its arm out and stuck it’s head in.  Let me tell you, a foamy mouthed Bigfoot is really scary!  Then it tried to force it’s way into the house.  Good think we ordered a brick house.  It gave up later, and then ran away.  That’s why I called my husband and said, ‘Joe, remember when I told you to buy Bigfoot  insurance?’”

According to Paula, a few minutes a woman stuck her head through the broken window.

“It’s your fault.”  The woman said.  “You were playing your music too loud, and hurt its ears.  You brought this upon yourself.”

Said Paula, “She ran away before I could tell her she was a (expletive deleted).”


Bolingbrook’s paranormal division of SWAT arrived and spotted the creature near Royce RD.

“Officers on the scene immediately recognized the creature as a Bigfoot, and switched to armor piercing bullets.”  Said Michaels.  “Bigfoot creatures have a very tough hide, which makes them very difficult to kill.”

According to Michaels, a woman appeared and asked the officers not to shoot.

“Shooting doesn’t work.  Let’s try something new!”  The woman allegedly said.  She then started speaking softly and approaching the creature.  “There there.”  She said.  “You’re going to help me be the new face of Cryptozoology.  Be nice.”

The Bigfoot replied by hitting her in the stomach, which sent her flying back several feet.  The officers then opened fire on the creature.  It took 50 shots to “help it transition to a state of terminal living.”  

When officers approached the injured woman, she replied, “It was my fault.  I got in the way of his fist.”

Michaels says investigators believe the woman was raising the Bigfoot in her backyard.  While examiners are still working on the body, the department believes the Bigfoot was bitten by a rabid animal.  The untreated Bigfoot then went on a rampage when the disease entered the later stages.

“This is why it is very important to vaccinate any animals in your care.”  Said Michaels.  “No one would have been harmed had this Bigfoot been vaccinated.”

The woman, who has not been identified, is in isolation at Adventist Bolingbrook Hospital.  Though she is not believed to be infected, Michaels says she is isolated, “For her protection.”

Sources at the hospital say that while the woman was being treated, she started to argue with her fellow patients.

Said a source, “She went up to this one man, and asked why he was there.  He said he had been shot during a home invasion.  She asked if he asked the burglar nicely to leave his house.  The man said no.  Then it go weird.  She walked over the suspected burglar, who was being treated for bruises, and said the he wasn’t helping the community’s image.  She asked him to please not rob homes again.  The guy promised that he wouldn’t.  Then she said, “See!  You should have asked him nicely.  It’s your fault that he shot you.”

The sources agree that the doctors decided to put her into isolation.  As she was taken away, she allegedly yelled, “I’m solving the Bolingbrook crime problem!  Why are you ignoring me?  Why isn’t (Mayor Roger Claar) giving me a trophy?  Are you afraid of true freethinking?”

Said another source, “When you’re the victim of a crime, it’s ultimately the criminal’s fault, not the victim’s.  I hope she realizes that someday.”

Also in The Babbler:

Blackhawks: Our record has nothing to do with the supernatural
Soviets to launch ice attack against the Chicago area
Bolingbrook official: Australian heat wave refugees will be welcomed
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/29/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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