Sunday, January 6, 2013

Mayor Roger Claar vows to crush The Roger Claar Party


Will Bolingbrook April 9 Consolidated Election be the last stand for the party named after Mayor Roger Claar.  Claar certainly hopes so.

“The Roger Claar Party is not a political party!”  Said Claar, who founded the The First Party for Bolingbrook.  “It is a conspiracy to commit electoral fraud!  They’re trying to use my name to get their trustee candidates elected.  I’ve kept them off the ballot since 1993.  That’s obviously not enough!  This year, I am going to wipe them out once and for all.”

Claar refused to specify how he planned to destroy The Roger Claar Party.  Anonymous sources within the First Party say that along with legal challenges, The First Party will aggressive attack The Roger Claar Party’s Internet presence.  

Said one source, “If they create a Facebook Page, we’ll file a complaint.  If they put up a YouTube video, we’ll flag it.  If they create a web page, we’ll explain to the web host exactly what kind of organization The Roger Claar Party is.  If one of them tries to post on an Internet forum, we’ll have four accounts post replies to them.  By the time this campaign is over with, they won’t even be able to get a blog on Blogger.”

The source quickly added that only The Roger Claar Party will receive this treatment.

“We’re not worried about Tim Dombrow running for trustee.  He may be a financial planner, but we have access to a half-million dollar campaign fund!  We can handle him.  We’re targeting The Roger Claar Party because it has the audacity to steal Roger’s good name and use it against him!”

David Nelson, head of The Roger Claar Party, denies that the party is stealing Claar’s name.

“Roger is the best mayor in the history of Bolingbrook.”  Said Nelson.  “Unfortunately, he doesn’t always select the best people to serve with him.  When Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church tried to undermine our tax base, did the trustees stand in front of their occupied storefront and tell them to leave?  No.  They sat by as Roger was forced to settle with them.  When Chick-Fil-A opened in Bolingbrook, did the trustees promise to eat most of their meals there?  Of course not.  Roger and Chick-Fil-A had to face those pro-gay protestors all alone!  The Roger Claar is the only party that fully supports Roger.  We will stand up to the Me-First party!”

Nelson concedes that Claar does not support The Roger Claar Party.  While this has kept the party off the ballot in the past, Nelson says the party will try a new tactic.

“This year, we’ve formed a corporation called Roger Claar.  Our lawyer thinks corporations have the right to run for office.  So technically, we’re running a corporation called Roger Claar for mayor.  Of course, if we win the election, Roger would serve as the mayoral administrator for the corporation.”

Nelson also doubts the Bolingbrook First Party can keep them off the Internet.  Though the party did lose its Twitter account.

“They said we shouldn’t use a picture of Roger and call the account Roger C. Claar.  I don’t think that’s fair.  The people who run @bbmayor have yet to post anything.  We say Roger should have a voice on Twitter!”

Also in The Babbler:

Talks breakdown between The Bears and Satan
Aliens ask Rhonda Reed-Slaughter to run for mayor
Nostradamus predicts victory for Mayor Roger Claar
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/8/13


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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