Saturday, December 22, 2012

Web Exclusive: Chicago’s mentally ill vampires denounce the NRA

Chicago’s mentally ill vampires risked their unlives to speak out against the National Rifle Association’s call for a National Database of the mentally ill.

In a Google+ chat sponsored by the Chicago Vampiric Alliance for the Mentally Ill, members accused the NRA of promoting negative stereotypes.

“The NRA’s proposed database stigmatizes mentally ill mortals and is a death sentence for affected vampires.”  Said Dominique, cofounder of the alliance.  “It will not prevent mass shootings.  It will only destroy lives and unlives.

Member Rose Wine noted that, contrary to popular belief, mentally ill mortals are four times as likely to be victims of violence.  Mentally ill vampires are 20 times as likely to be killed.

Explained Wine, “Vampire overlords around the world believe, without evidence, that mentally ill vampires cannot maintain the veil, and will expose our existence to the mortals.  Many overlords have chosen genocide over treatment, and this is not acceptable!”

The group then described incidents where Chicago’s Overlord had needless ordered the deaths of his mentally ill subjects.

Said Raven, “I had a friend who had a hard time adjusting to his new way of life.  So when he wasn’t hunting, he’d put on a pair of pajamas, hold a teddy bear, and suck his thumb.  He wasn’t hurting any vampires, and he kept the veil.  He just needed therapy and some blood laced with antidepressants.  Instead one of the Overlord’s enforcers killed him, and laughed at his pile of dust.  That sick bastard laughed at him!”  Raven cried tears of blood.  “That enforcer is supposedly sane, and yet he is a bigger monster than my friend ever was!”

Charlie told another story.  “There was a wonderer who stopped by for one of our gatherings.  Sure, he heard voices in his head, but he was cool. He wouldn’t tell on us.  But Lady Carousel wouldn’t hear of it.  She had him murdered because he was a ‘threat.’  As far as I’m concerned, Lady Carousel is a greater threat to vampires than that wonderer ever was!”

The group fears that the proposed database will include vampires. Vampiric overlords could then search the database and order the deaths of mentally ill subjects.

Added Wine, “Mortals don’t like it if companies could look through your medical records.  Would you like it if a predator had access to your records?”  

The group says that there are plenty of regulations within the vampiric community regarding drinking mortal blood.  Secret societies already exist that monitor social and mainstream media to prevent real vampires from becoming public knowledge.  

“We may need to review those rules in the Internet age.”  Said Dominique, “That will be harder to do than to stigmatize mentally ill vampires.  In the end, the result will be a world that is safer for both vampires, and mortals.”

Charlie added, “We need to end the stereotypes against the mentally ill.  We aren’t ‘touched with enlightenment.’ Most of use don’t go into uncontrollable violent rages.  Most of us aren’t annoying.  We just have an illness, like every one else who gets sick.  We just need treatment so we can enjoy our unlives.”

When asked to comment, an NRA spokesperson sent an e-mail.  Part of the e-mail read, “You have given us an excellent idea.  First we will tell the world vampires exist.  They can only be killed with wooden bullets.  Obama, however, wants to ban wooden bullets, because he’s Obama.  So there will be a rush on wooden bullets.  We’ll make a fortune off of bullets!  Thanks!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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