Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Babbler’s Shocking Predictions for 2013!

Will Mayor Claar face a coup in 2013?
Once again, our psychics nailed their predictions for 2012.  We predicted that Michelle Bachmann would lose Minnesota in the Republican Primary. We also predicted that skeptics would act smug as the world didn’t end on 12/21/12.

Sure not all of our predictions came true, but predicting the future is not an exact science.  Sometimes the act of publishing our predictions can prevent these events from happening.  So consider these predictions as a public service.  We’ve scouted the future so you can decide to change course if you want to.

With that in mind, it is time to unveil The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2013!

***

Mayor Roger Claar easily wins reelection in 2013.  The only surprise will be that long time opponent Bonnie Alicea will remain silent during the campaign.

The silence will end the day after Claar is sworn into office.

Alicea will go to the Bolingbrook Police department and demand that they arrest Claar and appoint her mayor.  She insists that she helped negotiate the officers’ current contract, though no one remembers her helping them.

“You owe me!”  She will yell.

After several minutes, two plain clothed officers will accompany her to Claar’s home.  Bonnie will wait on the sidewalk as the officers knock on his door.  Claar will answer the door.

“Bonnie is really upset that you’re the mayor.”  The first officer will say.  “Do you think you could step down and appoint her mayor?”

“No.”  Claar will reply.

“Are you sure?”  The second officer will say.  “It will make her happy if you step down.”

“I said no.”  Claar will reply.  After a short pause, Claar will ask, “Are both of you on duty?”

“No.”

“Would both of you like to come in and have a drink?”

“Sure.”

The first officer will turn towards Alicea and say, “We tried.”

Alicea will scream as the officers step inside.

***

Idle No More, a Native American rights movement in Canada, will continue to grow in 2013.  To end the movement, Fox News Canada will accuse the First Nations of trying to start a zombie apocalypse.  

“Some people say that The so-called First Nations are making deals with satanic forces to raise an undead army and create Hell on Earth.  They will unleash this army unless we give them our homes, money, and cities.”

The story gains some traction in Canada, until the uncanny similarity to the plot of the Deadlands Role-playing game is pointed out.

In the United States, however, the story continues to gain in popularity.  When the Canadian government finally negotiates with the First Nations over INM’s grievances, 90% of Fox viewers will support an invasion of Canada to “save the world from Zombies!”

***

Illinois’s drought will continue into 2013 and Lake Michigan will drop to record low levels.  So low that Chicago’s intake cribs will be on dry land.

At that point, Illinois American Water accepts Northern Will County Water Agency’s $34 million offer to buy their water pipeline.

“We get $34 million, and they get a dry pipeline.”  A Illinois American Water spokesperson will say.  “It all works out.”

While Lake side communities try to decide how to develop the new land, Michigan will announce they have annexed the new land under their Emergency Management act.

Illinois will contest Michigan’s claim, by the end of 2013, national guard troops from Illinois, Wisconsin, Indiana, and Michigan will try to enforce each state’s land claim.  

President Obama will be desperately trying to avoid a new civil war.  Congress will be trying to undermine his authority.

***

Following a national trend, outspoken Men’s Rights sympathizer and atheist activist Justin Vacula will convert to Catholicism.  Two months later, he will be excommunicated.  Vacula will retaliate by sending 95 tweets to the Pope.

***

A Topix user, claiming to be Reporter X, will predict that Bolingbrook resident Geroge Smith will be acquitted of attempted child abduction.  Despite numerous such predictions, the case will go to trial.

***

Bloggers Thunderf00t and Sasha Pixlee will agree to face off in a mixed martial arts match.

Thunderf00t will spend months posting taunting videos.  He will claim that he will beat the taller and stronger Pixlee by using his knowledge of physics and evolutionary psychology.

“This will be an epic victory of science over feminism!”  Thunderf00t will say.

When the match finally starts, Thunderf00t will scream and charge at Pixlee.  Pixlee will stop him with a jab, and follow with an uppercut.  The uppercut will send Thunderf00t into the hanging scoreboard.  When the match is called, Pixlee will hold the MMA recored for fastest knockout, and the height recored for knocking an opponent into the air.

After the match, Pixlee will be asked if this will finally resolve the deep rifts in the secular community.

“Of course not.”  He will reply.  “All I did was give him a concussion, and when he wakes up, he’ll whine about being a beta male. This match didn’t resolve any of the underling sexism in the secularism community.  The only reason I agreed to this match is so I could donate the prize money to Women Thinking Inc.  Their pro-vaccination campaigns are awesome.  Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go home and cuttle with my kitty because that’s how I roll!”

When Thunderf00t wakes up, he will announce that he has an idea for a video that does not involve making fun of creationists, praising science, attacking feminists, slamming Islam, ridiculing libertarians, or time-lapse photography.

***

Following the outrage for the death of Peter Parker, Marvel comics will bring the character back.  Unfortunately, “Peter Parker: Hell’s Enforcer” will do little to quell the fans’ anger.

Also in The Babbler:

Clow reminds UFO pilots not to fly drunk this year
Claar: Bigfoot cannot vote in upcoming election
Low risk of snowmen attack this week
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/2/13

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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