Sunday, December 23, 2012

Radio personality Showbiz Shelly saves Chicago


Sources tell The Babbler that B96 entertainment reporter Showbiz Shelly saved Chicago from destruction at the hands of the Illuminati.  

“We owe our lives to Shelly!”  Said a B96 Intern.  “The next time you appreciate the wonders of Chicago, remember to thank Shelly for saving all of it!”

According to various sources, the Illuminati captured Shelly by diverting her L train car.

“I thought it was odd when I was the only person in the car.”  Said Shelly in a secretly taped conversation.  “Maybe I should have moved, but my first thought was that I could finally enjoy Twitter without someone looking over my shoulder.”

Shelly’s car de-coupled from the rest of the train, and diverted to a secret underground station.  The L’s doors open and four men in black robes approached Shelly.  They said she would be unharmed, and that she had been selected for a very special honor.

“It was like one of those horror moves.”  Said Shelly.  “I figured I’d go with them until I figured out how to escape.”

The men escorted Shelly to a chamber room and left.  Minutes later, a woman with gray hair approached from behind Shelly.  Before Shelly could ask who she was, two men walked in from the front doors.  One wore a red hooded robe. The other, shorter man, wore a white robe.

“Good day.”  The red hooded man allegedly said.  “You have been chosen to participate in a very special quiz competition.  The prize is the fate of your hometowns.  The winner’s city will be spared.  The loser’s city will be destroyed.  If you do not wish to participate, you may leave now, but you will forfeit the match.  If both of you leave, both cities will be destroyed.”

“I thought that was messed up.”  Said Shelly.  “But I grew up in Chicago, and I hate losing!”

After both women agreed, the man continued.  He announced that he had chosen Ophelia Benson as his champion.  Benson, he said, is the blogger behind Butterflies and Wheels, a columnist for Free Inquiry, and the author of three books, including “Why Truth Matters.” with Jeremy Stangroom.

The man then asked “Candidate Shermer” to introduce his champion.  Shermer removed his hood, and, according to the sources, looked like famed skeptic Michael Shermer.

Shermer replied, “I have selected Showbiz Shelly, Chicago’s reigning queen of pop trivia with over 100 wins in B96’s Smackdown contest!”

The man paused.  “I expected you to select a higher caliber champion for this special challenge, Candidate Shermer.”

Shermer smiled.  “I chose her because I expect her to lose.  I want Chicago to be destroyed so it can be rebuilt under the guidance of The University of Chicago’s School of Economics.  Using the principles of disaster capitalism, they will create a Chicago that will be a beacon of libertarian politics!”

“Very clever.”  Said the man.

“Thank you.  My theory of enlightened selfishness will more than prove my worth to the esteemed Illuminati.”

Said Shelly, “That really made me mad.  Yeah I was out of my league, but I really wanted to show that old dude that I am more than a trivia champion.”

After four rounds, the contest ended in a tie.  Both men seemed surprised.

“I am not a pretty face!”  Protested Shelly.  “I am a graduate of Northwestern University’s  Medill School of Journalism.  They forced me to learn more than who is the hottest personality in entertainment.  Now I understand why.”

The man then said there would be a tie-breaking question.

“Name the female folk duo that has never had relationship with each other and recorded a song featuring a more famous female performer.  Showbiz Shelly will go first.”

Shelly replied, I’m not that familiar with folk musicians, but I know Pink worked with a duo for her song, ‘Dear Mr. President.’  I don’t think they were dating each other.  Who where they?  Oh yeah!  The Indigo Girls!  Final answer.”

Benson then replied, “That’s answer is too easy.  You would ask this question, thinking that I don’t keep up with contemporary artists.  Hmm.  Featured doesn’t mean that artist actually sang on the album.  They could have referenced Emmylou Harris in a song.  So my final answer will be First Aid Kit!”

The Man replied, “The correct answer is The Indigo Girls.”

“I felt relieved.” Said Shelly.  “But also said.  Because it mean Ophelia’s home town was going to be destroyed.”

Shermer, however, had other plans.

“This is a trick!”  Exclaimed Shermer.  “Ophelia deliberately lost because she wanted all the men in her hometown to die!  She hates men!”

“I do not-- Er, you’re too enlightened to be fooled Michael.”

“Exactly.  You too understand the power of enlightened selfishness.  Which is why the illuminati must not destroy her hometown.”

“What do you suggest, Candidate Shermer?”  Asked the man.

“I will raise an army of angry male Internet users to destroy you, Ophelia.  Then you will finally appreciate why I am privileged.”

“Not that!”  Benson sarcastically exclaimed.  

“Yes.  After I destroy you, we can talk about rebuilding you!”

Shermer then approached Shelly.

“You bested me, though you may not have intended to.”  Said Shermer.  “Still, you are a worthy woman, and I wish to show my appreciation by having skeptical libertarian sex with you.”

“Um, no.”  Replied Shelly.  “You’re, like, old enough to be my grandfather.”

“I understand an experienced man can be intimidating.  Especially who has learned many techniques from Penn Jillette.”

“Ew!”  Exclaimed Shelly.

Shermer smiled.  “You know how to contact me when you change your mind.”  He then left the room.

The man announced that both cities would be spared, and the women returned to their normal lives.

“Candidate Shermer still has much to learn.”

While Benson and Shelly waited for their rides, they chatted.

“Opheila seems pretty cool.  I don’t agree with everything she says.  Like, she thinks I shouldn’t use the word “smackdown.”  I think that’s going too far, but her heart is in the right place.

Shelly said she was worried about Shermer’s threat.  Benson said not to.

“The worst he can do is take a column I wrote where I briefly mention him and then blow it out of proportion.

Their limousines finally arrived and the two women started to step into them.

“Shelly.”  Said Benson.  “I’ll only say this once.  My name is Ophelia Benson, and I did not smackdown Showbiz Shelly.”

According to the sources, Shelly was taken to B96.  When she tried to explain to her boss what happened, he replied that she wasn’t missing from work, and she gave one of her best on-air performances.  

Benson and Shermer could not be reached for comment.  Shelly’s spokesperson refused to confirm the story, and said Shelly had no plans to return our calls.

Also in The Babbler:

Billions celebrate as the world didn’t end
Koch brothers to bid for Chicago’s public schools
Santa cleared to deliver gifts to Bolingbrook
God spares Bolingbrook in exchange for permanent home for Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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