Sunday, December 2, 2012

Mayor Claar unharmed following skating accident on Mercury


By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar suffered minor bruising and a “slightly singed” space suit following a skating accident on Mercury.

“It felt a bit toasty, but I will be fine.”  Claar told a gathering of the embedded interstellar journalists.

Claar was part of a field trip sponsored by his charity, Humanoid Corrective Learning.  HCL, according to their brochures, offers counseling to Clow UFO Base’s “at risk young sentient beings.”  Clients who maintain good attendance records can go on free field trips.

HCL sent 20 clients, and additional staff, to the Mercery Northern Ice Rink.  Marketed as “The hottest ice rink in the Sol system,” it located within a permanently shadowed portion of a polar crater.  The outdoor ice rink is a popular tourist attraction that attracts 1 billion tourists each Earth year.

During an open skating period, the rink transmitted Psy’s “Gangnam Style” song.  According to eyewitnesses, many skaters tried to imitate Psy’s horse riding dancing.  Seconds into the song, several aliens slipped, causing a chain reactions of falls.  During this time, someone accidentally hit Claar.  The impact knocked off the ground and send him flying several hundred meters.  He landed on the edge of the shadow.  Claar’s legs were exposed to the sunlight briefly before the groundskeepers pulled him to safety.

“I want to commend the staff for saving my life.”  Said Claar.  “They might want to consider enclosing the ice rink, just like Rocket Ice Arena’s rinks are enclosed.”

Claar stressed that he would continue to offer field trips to HCL’s clients.

“These young beings are light years away from the home worlds.”  Said Claar.  “Clow offers many educational and recreation opportunities, but some youth are still at risk of going down the wrong path.  There are many generous donors who want to help, and I’m glad that I can put their donations to good use!”

Clog Go, an HCL client, defended the charity.  “At any other Earth port, I would be selling stolen spare parts.  Thanks to leader Claar, I know that there are better ways to serve society and live a good life.  I might even go into politics so that I may help others as he has helped me.”

The rink’s staff released a statement stating they are investigating the accident, and has temporarily stop transmitting Psy’s music.

HCL staff members say that their Io volcano sight-seeing trip is still scheduled for 2013.

“We will observe the volcanos at a safe distance.”  Said Donald Z. Clarkson, acting head of HCL.

Though Claar’s family is involved in Heart Haven Outreach, HCL is not affiliated with H2O.

Also in The Babbler:

Bigfoot activists: Give Bigfoot the right to vote!
Alien contractor bids to take over Chicago law enforcement
Freethought Blogs tries to corrupt Northwestern students
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/5/12


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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