Sunday, December 9, 2012

Anti-psychic Kitty granted fellowship at the Committee for Scientific Inquiry

Anti-psychic Kitty composes a column for The Babbler.


The Babbler’s token skeptical columnist, Anti-psychic Kitty, is now the first feline fellow for the Committee for Scientific Inquiry.

“This is a real honor.”  Said Anti-psychic Kitty through a translation device at a skeptical media press conference.  “CSI is one of the oldest organizations dedicated to eradicating psychics and other forms of woo, and I will do my best to fulfill that mission.”

Anti-psychic Kitty was created by the James Randi Educational Foundation as part of a psychic suppression program.  The original plan call for the breeding of pets that radiate high levels of anti-psychic energy. The pets would then be given to famous psychics, to make them think that they had lost their powers, and therefore would never try to claim the JREF’s million dollar prize.

Anti-psychic Kitty, the last of the pets, has the highest level of anti-psychic energy ever recorded.  If a psychic tries to use their powers around Anti-psychic Kitty, their heads will explode.  There is video of him killing one psychic.  

“I am a born anti-psychic.”  Said Anti-psychic Kitty.  “Asking me not to hunt psychics is like asking another cat not to hunt mice.  It can’t be done.”

Barry Karr, executive director of CSI, explained Anti-psychic Kitty’s new role.  A role that doesn’t include killing psychics.

“First, Anti-psychic Kitty will help us learn about anti-psychic energy, so that we can safely use it to end psychic phenomena.  He’ll also continue to write for and live with the staff of The Babbler.  He reaches a weekly audience of thousands of people who have never heard of Paul Kurtz!  Can you believe that?  Of course not!”

Karr also explained that Anti-psychic Kitty would also play a key role in promoting scientific skepticism to the feline population, and encourage other cats to follow the humanistic teachings of The Center for Inquiry, CSI’s parent organization.

“My aunt Sidney thinks she is the center of universe, and likes to attack her caretakers.”  said Anti-psychic Kitty.  “It is now my job get other cats to embrace the Humanist Manifestos, so they will never end up like her.  I love her, but she’s so mean some times.”

When asked about the JREF, Anti-psychic Kitty said he wished the organization well, but could no longer work with president D.J. Grothe.

“As much as I loved the catnip and TAM parties, dealing with DJ everyday was just too much for me.  He’s a great podcaster, but a terrible manager.  Sure I’m a cat, and we don’t take orders well, but even a dog would have a problem following him.  That’s why I’m glad Carrie Poppy decided to resign.  She can do better!”
Later in the press conference, Karr introduced Anti-psychic kitty’s two assistants, Andy and Cassie Calico.  The two younger cats ran into the press room and started chasing each other.  

After ignoring Karr for a few seconds, Cassie ran up to a Doubtful News reporter and started staring at her lunch.  The reporter refused to share.

Andy stared scratching on Anti-psychic Kitty’s chair.  Anti-psychic kitty swiped his paw at Andy.  Andy swiped back, and the two swung at each other, never making contact.  Karr, and CFI outreach director Debbie Goddard separated the two.

After a brief timeout for Andy, the two cats were hooked up to translators and the press conference continued.

Andy denied any animosity towards Anti-psychic Kitty, explaining that he was just playing.  He then started a rap.

“A.P.K/All the way/All you psychics better run away!”

After Karr told him to stop, Andy continued, “APK is so awesome!  It’s my job to do outreach to kittens and young cats to show how awesome they can be too.  We’re already skeptics!  But skepticism, plus humanism equals awesome!”

Cassie explained that she looks forward to performing outreach to female feline community.  

“With all the unwanted feline pregnancies in the world, I want to promote CFI’s support of reproductive rights two my fellow cats and their caretakers.  Let me also tell you that life is much better for both genders when we don’t have to worry about going into heat.  Neutering also cuts down on sexual harassment within feline colonies.”

When asked what they were looking forward to while working at CFI, Anti-psychic Kitty said he looked forward to collaborating with CSI columnist Kylie Sturgess.  Andy said he was looking forward to demonstrating the physics behind a rolling ball.  Cassie said she hoped to be able to address CFI second Women in Secularism conference.

Karr then asked if the cats had any last words for the skeptical media.  

“I know this will workout because of CSI’s commitment to skepticism and because IMSOCUTE!”

Added Andy, “And IMSOPLAYFUL!”

Added Cassie, “IMSOPRETTY!”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce: Boogie Men are coming for our restaurants!
Clow UFO base reduces abduction quota
Skokie police drive away fire monsters on first night of Hanukkah
God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/12/12!


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: