Saturday, November 3, 2012

Web Exclusive: Alien Super PAC launches attack ads against Presidential candidate Jill Stein

Could this ad be all over the Web soon?

By Reporter X

The Venusian Super PAC, Humans for a Safe Planet, will launch a last minute media blitz against Green Party Presidential Candidate Jill Stein.

Sources within Barber's Corner Media, a company with ties to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, say HSP will try to spend $100 billion on attack ads against the candidate.  The campaign will include radio, print, and Internet ads against Stein

“When I heard they were going to spend this much money, we were excited.”  Said John, a media consultant for BCM.  “Then they told me it was for ads against the Green Party candidate.  I thought they were kidding.  When I showed them the poll numbers and suggested better ways to spend the money, they threatened to go else where.  Hey, who am I to argue with that kind of money?”

John then played one of their radio ads.

“Why is Jill Stein running for President?”  Asks the announcer.  “She’s been arrested twice in a month for trespassing, and shows no remorse for her criminal activity.  Is she running to serve our country or to pardon herself?  Do you want a commander and chief who doesn’t respect your property?  On November 6, vote for anyone else but Jill Stein!”

This reporter could not reach HSP, but a source close to the Venusian government says they fully support humanity’s efforts to make Earth more like Venus.  The Venusian fear that Stein has a slight chance of winning the election, and want to make sure that she has no chance of winning.”

“Your planet is so cold, water is a liquid!”  Exclaimed the source.  “Mitt Romney will accelerate global heating.  Obama is too weak to stop it.  Stein would keep Earth’s frigid temperatures.  Don’t you humans realize how cold it is on your world?  Don’t you want to be warm, like Venus?”

When reached for comment, a campaign staffer replied, “Um, tell them thanks for the free publicity, and if elected, Jill will enforce a ban on all manned expeditions to Venus.”

Romney, when reached for comment, said he had forgotten whether he liked or hated Stein this week, and would have to reply later.

The Obama campaign’s “Babbler Expert” denied that her campaign had anything to do with the attack ads.

“A vote for the Green Party is a vote for Romney.”  She added.  “Just look at Florida in 2000 election.  Even if Obama wins the Electoral College, Jill could take away enough votes so that Romney wins the popular vote.  Then the Republicans will feel that they can dictate policy to the President.  Does The Green Party really want to give the election to the Republicans?”

She later added, “I can’t wait for Obama to win.  Then I can be promoted from the campaign’s expert on The Babbler to the White House’s expert on the Weekly World News.  That would be awesome!”

John said was not certain when the ads would run, considering that many political ad slots are already filled.  The earliest ads could appear on Monday.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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