Sunday, November 4, 2012

Secret agent trashes Promenade Bolingbrook

An alleged secret agent attacked dozens of alleged mercenaries in the Promenade, causing thousands of dollars in damage. 

“I thought it was a promotion for the new 007 movie.”  Said Peter, who works at GameStop and asked that we not use his last name.  “Then they started shooting at my storefront with smart bullets.  When I had to duck for cover, I knew that something was up.”

Eyewitnesses agree that the agent drove into the Promenade in a modified Bugatti Veyron.  Seconds after entering the streets of the Promenade, 10 Ford Expedition cars started chasing the agent.  At first, they drove around the Promenade for several seconds.

“I thought they were reenacting that terrible parking lot chase scene in “Diamonds are Forever.”  Said Steve Z. Patterson of Bolingbrook.  “I even thought the machine guns popping up from the hood of the sports car were fake.  That is until the guns started firing, and the one of the SUVs exploded.  Then I thought that maybe this might be real.”

Jan, who asked that we not use her last name, claims the secret agent destroyed her car.

“As I was walking back to the car, I saw two men with machine guns standing next to it.  I yelled at them to get away, but instead they started shooting at a sports car.  The bullets just seemed to bounce off of them.  Then the car stopped.  A gun popped up from the hood, and shot flames at the men.  It also set my car on fire.  At first I looked on in horror as the men were burning.  Then the sports car drove up to me.  The window  lowered, and I saw this man in a tuxedo.  I said he destroyed my car.  He said, ‘enjoy the BBQ I left behind.’ Then drove off.  I shook my fist at him and yelled, ‘Not funny!’”

In the middle of the chase, the agent dropped mines in the middle of the street.  Sending one of the SUV flying into the air.

After destroying the 10 SUVs and several store fronts, the agent parked and stepped out of the car.  Eyewitnesses say several mall security guards approached the alleged agent.  When the agent pulled out a gun, the guards ran away, calling for police back up.

The agent, according to eyewitnesses, made his way to the roof of Macy’s where greeted by 11 men, 10 of them holding machine guns.

“It was the damnedest thing I’d ever seen.”  Said Sarah, who asked that we not use her last name.  “The agent was able to take out each gun man with single shot from pistol.  Yet when he tried to shoot the other man in a suit, he kept missing.”

When the two men reached the edge of the roof, they started punching and kicking each other, until the suited man fell.  The agent jump off the roof, grabbed the other man, then deployed a hidden parachute.  Both men landed safely and were surrounded by police officers.

According to the officers, the agent produced his license to kill, license to damage public property and license to cause public mayhem.  The agent explained that he was trying to stop a multi-national corporation from melting the Antarctic ice sheet, and that the man in the suit had important information.

Said an anonymous officer, “I asked if he had a license to drive recklessly.  He said he was working on it.  So I wrote him a ticket.  It was the only thing I could legally charge him with.”

The man in the suit was turned over to Homeland Security.  An hour later, a Homeland Security crew repaired the damage caused by the fight.

“The Promenade looks better than ever!” Said Peter.  “When I thanked them, they said it was no problem.  They’ve had lots of practice.  I guess these kind of fights happen more often than we know about.”

When reached for comment, Mayor Claar denied the gun battle happened, and added, “You know, Ipic Theaters might be a great place to meet constituents.”

Also in The Babbler:

Donate to the Red Cross
Alien poll watchers arrive in Bolingbrook
Illinois Bigfoot Society: Do not shave Bigfoot!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/6/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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