Sunday, November 11, 2012

Mayor Claar honors veterans of the Bolingbrook Time War


By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar honored the veterans of the Bolingbrook Time War in a secret ceremony at The Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“Thanks to your bravery in the face of a technologically advance enemy, we not only repelled an invasion, but we also changed the course of future history.  Billions of humans yet to be born owe their freedom to your bravery.”

The Bolingbrook Time War began on April 6, 1984, when invaders from the year 3000 AD launched a surprise attack.  Alternative history experts credit the tactics of then Mayor Edward Rosenthal, assistance from the aliens at Clow UFO Base, and the invaders’ inability to communicate with the future for two days, as the keys to Bolingbrook’s victory.

After Claar’s speech, John Z. Miller described how he had to manually operate a laser turret at Clow UFO Base.

“Our computers were running what would later be know as Windows.”  Said Miller.  “It was an improvement over DOS, but boy was it buggy back then.”  

According to Miller, when he tried to start Clow’s automated defenses, he got “the blue screen of death.”  Miller responded by running towards a turret while the rest of the base tried to reboot the defense systems.  While he was running, a Martian Colonial ship was shot at by the invader’s base craft.  

“I didn’t know it at they time, but the Colonists were trying to decide if this was an attack by the current Earth government or another force.  They were waiting for our reply, and trying to decide if they should attack us as well as the invaders.”

Miller then described the harrowing processing of bring a turret online while under fire.  After what Miller described as an eternity, the turret came on line, and he shot down an approaching drone craft.  The Colonial craft responded by shooting down the base craft before fleeing Clow.

“John,” Said Claar, “Your shot was one of the major turning points in the war.  If that base ship hadn’t been destroyed, Bolingbrook would have been overrun in minutes.”

Instead the war lasted for two days.  Other veterans told stories of shooting down air drones, and the deadly firefights with the future marines.

“Each of their squads had little robot hovering with them.”  Said former police officer Daniel Hoffman.  “Every time you shot at the marines, the robot would instantly shoot back at you.  We lost too many good officers to those robots.

Detective Peter X. Smith described how he interrogated a captured marine.

“I’ll never forget the first words out of his mouths.  ‘Thou cannot break me copper!  Our movements is gnarly to the max.  America!  (Expletive deleted) Yeah!  The juice can’t stop you.  Thy efforts are limp, you cake eating man.  Go forth dudes!’  I guess a thousand years from now, all kinds of old English words just merge into a single language, regardless of the history of each word.”  

After an hour, Smith was able to communicate with the man.  He said that Bolingbrook would be the home of a great leader, who would still be admired in the Thirty-first Century.  The soldier also revealed that they had limited “time windows” to communicate with the future.  When the next one opened up, they would ask for more reinforcements to be sent to the moment they arrived in Bolingbrook.  He seemed to think that because they could travel through time, there was no way they could be defeated.  Any defeat could be erased.”

Smith left the interrogation room and brought Mayor Rosenthal and then trustee Claar to the hallway outside the room.  He then asked Rosenthal what color the sky was.  Rosenthal said blue.  Claar yelled that the sky wasn’t blue because of all the smoke in the air.  

As the two argued, Smith walked back into the room.  The marine listened in horror as the two politicians argued.

“I told the man that he was listening to the two greatest leaders in Bolingbrook argue at each other.  I could see the fear growing in his eyes.  Then I told him that all I had to do was open the door, and then he would have to face the combined anger of the two men.    When he said that the timeline could change, I lied and said that I could put him in a room that would preserve this timeline.  He couldn’t escape the combined wrath of Ed and Roger.  The more losses we had, the angrier they would get.  He finally broke.”

Using the intelligence, a suicide squad from The Men in Blue infiltrated the invader’s base camp and traveled forward in time to when the prototype of their time machine was turned on.  Once they arrived, the squad set off an atomic bomb.  With the knowledge of time travel lost, the invaders disappeared.  Bolingbrook and the surrounding area reverted to the prewar state.

Before the war was erased from history, it is estimated that 90% of Bolingbrook’s population was killed, along with 50% of Naperville population, and 40% of Romeoville’s population.  

Rosenthal addressed the veterans and reminded them of their special place in history.  

“We were lucky because were able to reverse the deaths of thousands of people, including our loved ones.  We got a taste of the suffering that war causes around the world and throughout the universe.  Yes, sometimes we do have to defend ourselves, but let us all strive to never glorify war and bring peace.  Let’s build a world where people a thousand years from now won’t feel the need to invade the past.”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler online turns 14!
Karl Rove denied political asylum in Bolingbrook
Aliens offer to buy Watchdogs of Bolingbrook web site
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/14/12


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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