Sunday, November 25, 2012

Humanoid dinosaur rescued in Evanston

Enhancement of a photo by Jim Linwood.
The militant skeptic group CSICOP, rescued a humanoid dinosaur from a secret Northwestern University cryptozoology society.

According to NU students on the scene, the covert team raided the Kappa Mu Alpha fraternity house after Midnight on Thanksgiving.  The students reported loud sounds and shouting during the raid.

“It sounded like a typical night there.”  Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name.  “The police don’t come out unless they start throwing kegs into the neighbors’ yards.  Anyway, I thought it was unusual when a delivery truck drove onto their front yard, and masked men started jumping out.  It didn’t concern me, because I thought someone was playing a joke on them.”

KMA brother Doug, who asked not to be identified, said he met one of the CSICOP members during the raid.

“I heard gunfire, but I thought it was a video game.  As I tried to walk to the kitchen, room started spinning.  I fell to the ground, and then saw this blurry black blob.  I think it asked me where the dinosaur was.  I was confused, so I said something about the weirdos renting the basement.  Before I passed out, I saw a weird thing in a stretcher.  Whoa.  Maybe they used some kind of military mind control on me.”

According to sources in the skeptical community, CSICOP is a paramilitary group that broke off from the Center for Inquiry in 2006.  Their goal is the suppression of all evidence of the paranormal.  They disagree with the CFI’s “peaceful” approach to covering up Bigfoot and other cryptoids.  They want to protect these creatures by preventing the public from learning about them.

The sources, who do not support CSICOP’s methods, say the group targeted the house because of photos stolen from the Northwestern Secret Society of Cryptozoologists.  

“To the untrained eye, they looked like blurry photos of a man in a lizard suit.”  Said one source.  “They immediately recognized it as a Dinosauroid, a species that survived the KT Impact and evolved human-like features.  So they had to rescue it before the students figured out how to properly hold a camera.”

Don, a member of CSICOP who asked that we not his real name, approached The Babbler, and described what happened to the dinosauroid, nicknamed Willie, after the Northwestern mascot.

Don said the CSICOP rescue team found Willie, and noticed he was ill.  The cryptozoologist on site confessed, they found Willie wondering around the campus, obviously lost and starving.  While the student group tried to nurse Willie back to health, they did not know what to feed the purple feathered creature.

“They admitted to giving him beer and pizza because they couldn’t afford to go shopping for organic food.”  Said Don.

Once in the CSICOP facility, Don tried feed Willie a standard dinosauroid diet.  Willie, refused and started growling at the caretakers.

“I told him that it was being unreasonable.  ‘We just found out you were sick.  You haven’t been sick that long.’  I told him.  Then I added, ‘Other hungry Dinosauroids eat when they’re hungry, why can’t you?’  It screamed at me.  Then I said, ‘I know what you’re going through.  I’ve been hungry and lost, so you’ll be fine.’  He didn’t take well to that either.”

After an hour of arguing with Willie, Greg Laden, anthropologist, CSICOP consultant and blogger, entered the containment area.  According to Don, Laden handed Willie an iPad.

“I told him that he couldn’t give that to Willie.  I would have to report him to command.  Greg glared at me, and I’ll never forget what he said.  ‘Have you ever been attacked by the Slyme Pit, and exiled from Freethought Blogs?  I have and I survived.  I doubt that you can do anything to me that comes close to what they put me through!’”

Once Willie grabbed the iPad, he logged onto his Twitter page and started complaining about the treatment the “hospitals” were giving him.

Laden angrily confronted Don. “That’s not an ordinary dinosauroid.  That’s a Rantasurus!  They require a special vegan diet and Internet access to survive.  What kind of training did you receive?  Don’t you know how sick a Rantasurus can get if you don’t care for it properly?”

Under Laden’s direction, Willie’s health started to improve once he received proper care.

“Still,” Said Don, “I felt bad.  I was trying to help Willie, but our team was making him sicker, and hurting his feelings.  I didn’t know if Wille would ever forgive me.”

A couple days later, Don visited Willie.  Willie, instead of growling, showed a blog post to Don.

“Sure it was about people with chronic illnesses.”  Said Don, “But the wrong headed statements in were stunning.  They sounded like me.  When I looked up from the iPad, I saw tears running down Willie’s face.  Then I knew.  I knew how much of a jerk I really was towards Willie.  So I told him I was sorry, and I wished I could make it up to him.  I started crying as well.”

Willie opened arms and reached through the bars of the containment area.  Despite the risk of being torn apart, Don walked over to Willie, and embraced him through the bars.”

“I know I have a lot of work to do on myself.”  Said Don.  “I want to thank Willie and Greg for setting me on the right path.”

Don says that Willie is much better, and is now lives in a Chicago safe house.  Laden believes Willie wondered away from his Canadan pack, and suspects they are hibernating through the winter.  CSICOP will house Willie until the spring, when they will return him to Canada.  Until then, Willie is content to rant on Twitter, visit the Field Museum, and chat with another Rantasurus who lives with the Secular Student Alliance in Columbus, OH.

When asked to comment Laden said, “I can’t hear you.  You’re breaking up.  If you can hear me, buy my new novel, Sungudogo!”

A CFI spokesperson denied the existence of a rouge CSICOP militia, and said, “Happy Holidays” before hanging up.

When this reporter called the SSA, a women replied, “Hello Internet!  It’s those weird Babbler people calling us again.  Now they’re asking about our ‘pet dinosaur.’  Watch how we handle this.”

The women told this reporter to wait.  A few seconds later, another woman roared into the telephone.  After a dramatic pause, she replied, “Are you happy now, Mr. Babbler?”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago Skeptics to camp out in Chicago
Ninja Clan spotted in Bolingbrook
Sandy Island reappear in Lake Michigan
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/29/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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