Sunday, November 18, 2012

Clow UFO Base bans exports of Hostess products

By Reporter X
Photo by Evan-Amos

In an emergency decree, Aliens leaving Earth from Clow UFO Base must surrender their Hostess products to customs officials.

Clow officials decided to enact the ban following Hostess’s decision to go out of business and liquidate their assets.  

“It is only fair to the residents of the Chicago area.”  Said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “They should have a chance to consume the last remaining Twinkies.  I don’t want a little child losing out on a precious memory of eating the last Twinkie because of interstellar hoarders.”

The ban also extends to abductions and “sample return” missions.  After each mission, commanders are instructed to search their ships for any products “accidentally brought on board.”  

Crews that violate the bad face fines and/or jail time.  So far, Clow officials report that three aliens have been arrested, and 50 have been fined for violating the ban.

Quigloop, from HD40307C, said the ban on Twinkie exports could endanger his crew.

“We use the Polysorbate 60 in Twinkies to replenish our emergency fuel supply.”  Quigloop.  “Without it, we’d have to buy it on the exchange market at a much higher rate.”

Digost, from Alpha Centauri, says he will miss buying Wonder Bread in Bolingbrook’s groceries.  

“Get it wet, and it makes a great bonding agent.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to use Wonder Bread to patch air leaks in my spaceship.  That stuff is a lifesaver.  I can’t believe Earthlings think it is edible.”

Clow officials estimate that 35 percent of all Hostess products in Bolingbrook were sold to aliens.  The same officials say Clow does have a supply of Hostess products that they will provide to aliens who can prove they have a “legitimate reason” to need them.

“‘I’m hungry!’ doesn’t count.”  Said one official.

An anonymous employee at the Bolingbrook Department of Village Security confirmed that they will not release the village’s emergency supply of Twinkies.

“If we’re cut off from the rest of the world, we can’t expect our residents to live on MRE rations alone.  Twinkies will boost the resident’s morale and give them the strength to rebuild Bolingbrook so we can get more Twinkies!”

The official would not say how old their stockpile is, but experts agree that a Twinkie has a 25 day shelf life.  

“Don’t believe everything you read!”  Replied the official.

Claar doubts that the Twinkie is really going away.

“I’m sure some company is going to buy the Twinkie recipe.”  He said.  “With all this free publicity, a company would be foolish not to try.  Heck, it might even work out that the new owners will build a Twinkie factory in Bolingbrook.  My pro-business policies make this a real possibility.  Something to keep in mind when you go to the polling booth next year.”

When called, a Hostess spokesperson answered the phone.  She asked this reporter to hold, then yelled, “I’m not reciting this press release until I’m paid in cash!”

Also in The Babbler:

UFOs relocate from Jerusalem Base to Clow
Bolingbrook considers $100 million anti-terrorism wall
Drunk weredeer arrested for eating grass in mayor’s yard
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/21/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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