Sunday, November 25, 2012

Humanoid dinosaur rescued in Evanston

Enhancement of a photo by Jim Linwood.
The militant skeptic group CSICOP, rescued a humanoid dinosaur from a secret Northwestern University cryptozoology society.

According to NU students on the scene, the covert team raided the Kappa Mu Alpha fraternity house after Midnight on Thanksgiving.  The students reported loud sounds and shouting during the raid.

“It sounded like a typical night there.”  Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name.  “The police don’t come out unless they start throwing kegs into the neighbors’ yards.  Anyway, I thought it was unusual when a delivery truck drove onto their front yard, and masked men started jumping out.  It didn’t concern me, because I thought someone was playing a joke on them.”

KMA brother Doug, who asked not to be identified, said he met one of the CSICOP members during the raid.

“I heard gunfire, but I thought it was a video game.  As I tried to walk to the kitchen, room started spinning.  I fell to the ground, and then saw this blurry black blob.  I think it asked me where the dinosaur was.  I was confused, so I said something about the weirdos renting the basement.  Before I passed out, I saw a weird thing in a stretcher.  Whoa.  Maybe they used some kind of military mind control on me.”

According to sources in the skeptical community, CSICOP is a paramilitary group that broke off from the Center for Inquiry in 2006.  Their goal is the suppression of all evidence of the paranormal.  They disagree with the CFI’s “peaceful” approach to covering up Bigfoot and other cryptoids.  They want to protect these creatures by preventing the public from learning about them.

The sources, who do not support CSICOP’s methods, say the group targeted the house because of photos stolen from the Northwestern Secret Society of Cryptozoologists.  

“To the untrained eye, they looked like blurry photos of a man in a lizard suit.”  Said one source.  “They immediately recognized it as a Dinosauroid, a species that survived the KT Impact and evolved human-like features.  So they had to rescue it before the students figured out how to properly hold a camera.”

Don, a member of CSICOP who asked that we not his real name, approached The Babbler, and described what happened to the dinosauroid, nicknamed Willie, after the Northwestern mascot.

Don said the CSICOP rescue team found Willie, and noticed he was ill.  The cryptozoologist on site confessed, they found Willie wondering around the campus, obviously lost and starving.  While the student group tried to nurse Willie back to health, they did not know what to feed the purple feathered creature.

“They admitted to giving him beer and pizza because they couldn’t afford to go shopping for organic food.”  Said Don.

Once in the CSICOP facility, Don tried feed Willie a standard dinosauroid diet.  Willie, refused and started growling at the caretakers.

“I told him that it was being unreasonable.  ‘We just found out you were sick.  You haven’t been sick that long.’  I told him.  Then I added, ‘Other hungry Dinosauroids eat when they’re hungry, why can’t you?’  It screamed at me.  Then I said, ‘I know what you’re going through.  I’ve been hungry and lost, so you’ll be fine.’  He didn’t take well to that either.”

After an hour of arguing with Willie, Greg Laden, anthropologist, CSICOP consultant and blogger, entered the containment area.  According to Don, Laden handed Willie an iPad.

“I told him that he couldn’t give that to Willie.  I would have to report him to command.  Greg glared at me, and I’ll never forget what he said.  ‘Have you ever been attacked by the Slyme Pit, and exiled from Freethought Blogs?  I have and I survived.  I doubt that you can do anything to me that comes close to what they put me through!’”

Once Willie grabbed the iPad, he logged onto his Twitter page and started complaining about the treatment the “hospitals” were giving him.

Laden angrily confronted Don. “That’s not an ordinary dinosauroid.  That’s a Rantasurus!  They require a special vegan diet and Internet access to survive.  What kind of training did you receive?  Don’t you know how sick a Rantasurus can get if you don’t care for it properly?”

Under Laden’s direction, Willie’s health started to improve once he received proper care.

“Still,” Said Don, “I felt bad.  I was trying to help Willie, but our team was making him sicker, and hurting his feelings.  I didn’t know if Wille would ever forgive me.”

A couple days later, Don visited Willie.  Willie, instead of growling, showed a blog post to Don.

“Sure it was about people with chronic illnesses.”  Said Don, “But the wrong headed statements in were stunning.  They sounded like me.  When I looked up from the iPad, I saw tears running down Willie’s face.  Then I knew.  I knew how much of a jerk I really was towards Willie.  So I told him I was sorry, and I wished I could make it up to him.  I started crying as well.”

Willie opened arms and reached through the bars of the containment area.  Despite the risk of being torn apart, Don walked over to Willie, and embraced him through the bars.”

“I know I have a lot of work to do on myself.”  Said Don.  “I want to thank Willie and Greg for setting me on the right path.”

Don says that Willie is much better, and is now lives in a Chicago safe house.  Laden believes Willie wondered away from his Canadan pack, and suspects they are hibernating through the winter.  CSICOP will house Willie until the spring, when they will return him to Canada.  Until then, Willie is content to rant on Twitter, visit the Field Museum, and chat with another Rantasurus who lives with the Secular Student Alliance in Columbus, OH.

When asked to comment Laden said, “I can’t hear you.  You’re breaking up.  If you can hear me, buy my new novel, Sungudogo!”

A CFI spokesperson denied the existence of a rouge CSICOP militia, and said, “Happy Holidays” before hanging up.

When this reporter called the SSA, a women replied, “Hello Internet!  It’s those weird Babbler people calling us again.  Now they’re asking about our ‘pet dinosaur.’  Watch how we handle this.”

The women told this reporter to wait.  A few seconds later, another woman roared into the telephone.  After a dramatic pause, she replied, “Are you happy now, Mr. Babbler?”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago Skeptics to camp out in Chicago
Ninja Clan spotted in Bolingbrook
Sandy Island reappear in Lake Michigan
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/29/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook to annex Naperville

Could Bolingbrook be on the verge of annexing Naperville?  

Professor Donald Z. Clark, an “unofficial Bolingbrookologist” believes the signs clearly show a merger is imminent.

“First of all, why are they building another bridge connecting Bolingbrook to Naperville?”  Asks Clark.  “Are they expecting a massive increase in traffic between the two communities?  Why would they expect that, unless they’re planning a merger between the two communities?”

The ultimate proof, according to Clark, is the Michael Evans’s resignation from The Bolingbrook Area Chamber of Commerce to become the president and CEO of the Naperville Area Chamber of Commerce.

“There are only two ways this makes sense.”  Said Clark.  “Either (Mayor Roger Claar) exiled him from Bolingbrook, or it is his job to help Naperville’s businesses accept being absorbed into Bolingbrook.  Which do you think is more likely?”

Village Hall employees, who asked not to be identified, denied that a merger is planned, but did state that there were advantages to such a move.

“Bolingbrook gains more tax revenue, a historic downtown district, a river walk, and more residents who can take advantage of our golf club.  Naperville gains Roger as their new mayor, and, um, a name that starts with ‘B!’”

Evans denies that Bolingbrook will annex Naperville.

“That does it!   I’m extending your permanent ban to the Naperville Chamber as well!  As long as I live, The Babbler will never influence any of my lobbying efforts!”

Naperville Mayor George Pradel also denied the annexation theory.

“You’re killing me!”  Said Pradel.  “You honestly think we’d let Roger take us over?  We’re Naperville.  We have a reputation to uphold.  Being annexed by a Will County suburb would destroy that reputation.  Now I’m going to hang up before my laughter turns into angry yelling.”

When this reporter tried to contact Claar, his receptionist said that he was busy preparing talking points for his appearance at a Heart Haven Outreach fundraiser on Monday.  Claar, explained the receptionist, will be greeting and serving customers at McDonalds located at 100 N. Bolingbrook Drive from 5 pm to 7 pm.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “The thought of anyone else running Bolingbrook makes me grimace.  Hmm.  I’ll have to work on that one.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Web Exclusive: Just asking questions about the first Thanksgiving.

Two years ago, Babbler Dale Onofrey columnist asked some very important questions about the first Thanksgiving.  He's still waiting for answers.

In the meantime, we wish all of our readers a Happy Thanksgiving, and hope you enjoy this new holiday video classic.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Clow UFO Base bans exports of Hostess products

By Reporter X
Photo by Evan-Amos

In an emergency decree, Aliens leaving Earth from Clow UFO Base must surrender their Hostess products to customs officials.

Clow officials decided to enact the ban following Hostess’s decision to go out of business and liquidate their assets.  

“It is only fair to the residents of the Chicago area.”  Said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  “They should have a chance to consume the last remaining Twinkies.  I don’t want a little child losing out on a precious memory of eating the last Twinkie because of interstellar hoarders.”

The ban also extends to abductions and “sample return” missions.  After each mission, commanders are instructed to search their ships for any products “accidentally brought on board.”  

Crews that violate the bad face fines and/or jail time.  So far, Clow officials report that three aliens have been arrested, and 50 have been fined for violating the ban.

Quigloop, from HD40307C, said the ban on Twinkie exports could endanger his crew.

“We use the Polysorbate 60 in Twinkies to replenish our emergency fuel supply.”  Quigloop.  “Without it, we’d have to buy it on the exchange market at a much higher rate.”

Digost, from Alpha Centauri, says he will miss buying Wonder Bread in Bolingbrook’s groceries.  

“Get it wet, and it makes a great bonding agent.  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to use Wonder Bread to patch air leaks in my spaceship.  That stuff is a lifesaver.  I can’t believe Earthlings think it is edible.”

Clow officials estimate that 35 percent of all Hostess products in Bolingbrook were sold to aliens.  The same officials say Clow does have a supply of Hostess products that they will provide to aliens who can prove they have a “legitimate reason” to need them.

“‘I’m hungry!’ doesn’t count.”  Said one official.

An anonymous employee at the Bolingbrook Department of Village Security confirmed that they will not release the village’s emergency supply of Twinkies.

“If we’re cut off from the rest of the world, we can’t expect our residents to live on MRE rations alone.  Twinkies will boost the resident’s morale and give them the strength to rebuild Bolingbrook so we can get more Twinkies!”

The official would not say how old their stockpile is, but experts agree that a Twinkie has a 25 day shelf life.  

“Don’t believe everything you read!”  Replied the official.

Claar doubts that the Twinkie is really going away.

“I’m sure some company is going to buy the Twinkie recipe.”  He said.  “With all this free publicity, a company would be foolish not to try.  Heck, it might even work out that the new owners will build a Twinkie factory in Bolingbrook.  My pro-business policies make this a real possibility.  Something to keep in mind when you go to the polling booth next year.”

When called, a Hostess spokesperson answered the phone.  She asked this reporter to hold, then yelled, “I’m not reciting this press release until I’m paid in cash!”

Also in The Babbler:

UFOs relocate from Jerusalem Base to Clow
Bolingbrook considers $100 million anti-terrorism wall
Drunk weredeer arrested for eating grass in mayor’s yard
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/21/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

The Babbler celebrates 14 years on the Internet

By Chris Olson, Publisher

Fourteen years ago, a Bolingbrook resident walked into our office and said he could get us on the World Wide Web.  I was skeptical, but I was willing to give him a chance.  In November of that year, he put the first Babbler article online.  The response was small but promising enough that by the next year, we were putting one story a month online.

Fourteen years later a lot has changed.  Bolingbrook is larger.  Mayor Roger Claar has an opposition party to deal with, the weredeer were tamed by The Bolingbrook Jaycees, and Bolingbrook has a major shopping center.

Our web site has changed to keep up with the times.  Now it’s updated once a week, and we have a global audience.  We also feature content from our two sister publications, The Manchester Mumbler and The Red Deer Reporter.  When the world wants to know the unbelievable truth, they read The Babbler.

We’ve met new people through the web site.  We’ve founds some surprising friends in the so-called skeptical community, like Anti-psychic Kitty.  We’ve also found new enemies, including the skeptical trolls.  You would think that skeptics would have better ways of saying no thanks to a Five Dollar Challenge than name calling.

Though all the years, we’ve maintained a commitment reporting the truth, no matter how unbelievable it may be.  While the mainstream media ignores Clow UFO Base, we cover it.  While the other Bolingbrook publications won’t touch Claar’s interstellar trips, we’re sending a reporter to follow him.  While publications like Patch write fluff articles about Bolingbrook, we’re digging for the real story.

The Babbler has been covering Bolingbrook since 1965, and we’ve come to see the web site as an important tool for brining the unbelievable truth to the world.  We aren’t getting rid of the print edition, but we do know that some people prefer to get their news over the Internet.  We’re serving those readers with our web page, Twitter account, and Facebook page.  I was skeptical of the Internet at first.  Looking back, I’m glad that we ventured onto the Internet.  It is one of the reasons we weren’t forced into becoming a celebrity gossip rag.

Moving forward, we promise to maintain a strong Internet presence.  Neither Roger Claar, PZ Myer’s army of Minnesota Talking Land Squids, nor the Chicago ghost political machine will stop us from spreading the truth.  There will be no more seven year gaps in our online coverage.  We’re committed to bringing the truth into the Twenty-first century!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Mayor Claar honors veterans of the Bolingbrook Time War

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar honored the veterans of the Bolingbrook Time War in a secret ceremony at The Bolingbrook Golf Club.

“Thanks to your bravery in the face of a technologically advance enemy, we not only repelled an invasion, but we also changed the course of future history.  Billions of humans yet to be born owe their freedom to your bravery.”

The Bolingbrook Time War began on April 6, 1984, when invaders from the year 3000 AD launched a surprise attack.  Alternative history experts credit the tactics of then Mayor Edward Rosenthal, assistance from the aliens at Clow UFO Base, and the invaders’ inability to communicate with the future for two days, as the keys to Bolingbrook’s victory.

After Claar’s speech, John Z. Miller described how he had to manually operate a laser turret at Clow UFO Base.

“Our computers were running what would later be know as Windows.”  Said Miller.  “It was an improvement over DOS, but boy was it buggy back then.”  

According to Miller, when he tried to start Clow’s automated defenses, he got “the blue screen of death.”  Miller responded by running towards a turret while the rest of the base tried to reboot the defense systems.  While he was running, a Martian Colonial ship was shot at by the invader’s base craft.  

“I didn’t know it at they time, but the Colonists were trying to decide if this was an attack by the current Earth government or another force.  They were waiting for our reply, and trying to decide if they should attack us as well as the invaders.”

Miller then described the harrowing processing of bring a turret online while under fire.  After what Miller described as an eternity, the turret came on line, and he shot down an approaching drone craft.  The Colonial craft responded by shooting down the base craft before fleeing Clow.

“John,” Said Claar, “Your shot was one of the major turning points in the war.  If that base ship hadn’t been destroyed, Bolingbrook would have been overrun in minutes.”

Instead the war lasted for two days.  Other veterans told stories of shooting down air drones, and the deadly firefights with the future marines.

“Each of their squads had little robot hovering with them.”  Said former police officer Daniel Hoffman.  “Every time you shot at the marines, the robot would instantly shoot back at you.  We lost too many good officers to those robots.

Detective Peter X. Smith described how he interrogated a captured marine.

“I’ll never forget the first words out of his mouths.  ‘Thou cannot break me copper!  Our movements is gnarly to the max.  America!  (Expletive deleted) Yeah!  The juice can’t stop you.  Thy efforts are limp, you cake eating man.  Go forth dudes!’  I guess a thousand years from now, all kinds of old English words just merge into a single language, regardless of the history of each word.”  

After an hour, Smith was able to communicate with the man.  He said that Bolingbrook would be the home of a great leader, who would still be admired in the Thirty-first Century.  The soldier also revealed that they had limited “time windows” to communicate with the future.  When the next one opened up, they would ask for more reinforcements to be sent to the moment they arrived in Bolingbrook.  He seemed to think that because they could travel through time, there was no way they could be defeated.  Any defeat could be erased.”

Smith left the interrogation room and brought Mayor Rosenthal and then trustee Claar to the hallway outside the room.  He then asked Rosenthal what color the sky was.  Rosenthal said blue.  Claar yelled that the sky wasn’t blue because of all the smoke in the air.  

As the two argued, Smith walked back into the room.  The marine listened in horror as the two politicians argued.

“I told the man that he was listening to the two greatest leaders in Bolingbrook argue at each other.  I could see the fear growing in his eyes.  Then I told him that all I had to do was open the door, and then he would have to face the combined anger of the two men.    When he said that the timeline could change, I lied and said that I could put him in a room that would preserve this timeline.  He couldn’t escape the combined wrath of Ed and Roger.  The more losses we had, the angrier they would get.  He finally broke.”

Using the intelligence, a suicide squad from The Men in Blue infiltrated the invader’s base camp and traveled forward in time to when the prototype of their time machine was turned on.  Once they arrived, the squad set off an atomic bomb.  With the knowledge of time travel lost, the invaders disappeared.  Bolingbrook and the surrounding area reverted to the prewar state.

Before the war was erased from history, it is estimated that 90% of Bolingbrook’s population was killed, along with 50% of Naperville population, and 40% of Romeoville’s population.  

Rosenthal addressed the veterans and reminded them of their special place in history.  

“We were lucky because were able to reverse the deaths of thousands of people, including our loved ones.  We got a taste of the suffering that war causes around the world and throughout the universe.  Yes, sometimes we do have to defend ourselves, but let us all strive to never glorify war and bring peace.  Let’s build a world where people a thousand years from now won’t feel the need to invade the past.”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler online turns 14!
Karl Rove denied political asylum in Bolingbrook
Aliens offer to buy Watchdogs of Bolingbrook web site
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/14/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 5, 2012

Web Exclusive: Your vote does matter!

By Publisher Chris Olson

Just the other day, I was walking around the Campus of the University of Chicago, Illinois where I came across a group of communists.  Two of them were pushing their newspaper to the susceptible students, while the other two sat behind a table crammed with “Marxist” literature.

One of them noticed my political button, and tried to strike up a conversation.  He said that both parties were supporters of bourgeoisie, and there was no difference between the two parties.  Someone obviously hadn’t paying attention over the past 12 years.  

His “solution” was that we shouldn’t vote, but instead to work towards the creation of a “revolutionary” worker’s party that would violently overthrow the state.

I asked how many troops he had.  None, he replied, but once the members of the military achieved “class consciousness,” they would join them.  I asked if they knew any military tactics.  Their strategy was to “enlighten the people,” then something, then world wide communism.  Until that happened, they were content to recite Marxist quotes to each other, and feel smug that they didn’t vote.

Obviously they were under the influence of Soviet Mind Control Satellites.  However, I have heard variations on their argument against voting.  Don’t vote because the Illuminati control all the parties. Don’t vote because Ron Paul isn’t a candidate.  Don’t vote because it’s cooler to occupy a public space.   

Well I say those hipsters have it wrong.  If voting is worthless, why is so much effort going into preventing people from voting?  If voting doesn’t matter, why was close to $6 billion dollars spent this year to influence your vote?  If voters don’t matter, why are weredeer barred from voting in Bolingbrook’s elections?

The truth is your vote does matter.  Money can buy ads and influence the news media.  Mind control rays can influence you.  The political process can restrict your choices.  In the end, however, there is still a choice to be made.  

The voters make that choice.  The voters decide who they want to lead them.  The voters decide what changes should be made to the state constitutions.  The voters in Illinois decide who will judge them.  

Don’t be fooled.  If you don’t vote, someone else will, and you may not like their decision.  Worse, if you don’t vote, then the politicians don’t have to worry about you when they make decisions.  They will vote against your interests because, quite frankly, you're not going to do anything about it.

If you don’t believe me, consider this.  The Tea Party decided to become involved in the political process.  The Occupy Movement decided to move their occupation to the Internet.  Occupy is still trying to decide what they stand for.  The Tea party is deciding who will represent the Republican party in the election.

So tomorrow, don’t be hip.  Vote for who you think should represent you.  Vote for the two major parties, or vote for one of the smaller parties.  Just vote, because Americans have died so you could have the right to vote, and people are dying around the world so they can give others the right to vote.  You have the power to make a decision.  Use it for good.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Secret agent trashes Promenade Bolingbrook

An alleged secret agent attacked dozens of alleged mercenaries in the Promenade, causing thousands of dollars in damage. 

“I thought it was a promotion for the new 007 movie.”  Said Peter, who works at GameStop and asked that we not use his last name.  “Then they started shooting at my storefront with smart bullets.  When I had to duck for cover, I knew that something was up.”

Eyewitnesses agree that the agent drove into the Promenade in a modified Bugatti Veyron.  Seconds after entering the streets of the Promenade, 10 Ford Expedition cars started chasing the agent.  At first, they drove around the Promenade for several seconds.

“I thought they were reenacting that terrible parking lot chase scene in “Diamonds are Forever.”  Said Steve Z. Patterson of Bolingbrook.  “I even thought the machine guns popping up from the hood of the sports car were fake.  That is until the guns started firing, and the one of the SUVs exploded.  Then I thought that maybe this might be real.”

Jan, who asked that we not use her last name, claims the secret agent destroyed her car.

“As I was walking back to the car, I saw two men with machine guns standing next to it.  I yelled at them to get away, but instead they started shooting at a sports car.  The bullets just seemed to bounce off of them.  Then the car stopped.  A gun popped up from the hood, and shot flames at the men.  It also set my car on fire.  At first I looked on in horror as the men were burning.  Then the sports car drove up to me.  The window  lowered, and I saw this man in a tuxedo.  I said he destroyed my car.  He said, ‘enjoy the BBQ I left behind.’ Then drove off.  I shook my fist at him and yelled, ‘Not funny!’”

In the middle of the chase, the agent dropped mines in the middle of the street.  Sending one of the SUV flying into the air.

After destroying the 10 SUVs and several store fronts, the agent parked and stepped out of the car.  Eyewitnesses say several mall security guards approached the alleged agent.  When the agent pulled out a gun, the guards ran away, calling for police back up.

The agent, according to eyewitnesses, made his way to the roof of Macy’s where greeted by 11 men, 10 of them holding machine guns.

“It was the damnedest thing I’d ever seen.”  Said Sarah, who asked that we not use her last name.  “The agent was able to take out each gun man with single shot from pistol.  Yet when he tried to shoot the other man in a suit, he kept missing.”

When the two men reached the edge of the roof, they started punching and kicking each other, until the suited man fell.  The agent jump off the roof, grabbed the other man, then deployed a hidden parachute.  Both men landed safely and were surrounded by police officers.

According to the officers, the agent produced his license to kill, license to damage public property and license to cause public mayhem.  The agent explained that he was trying to stop a multi-national corporation from melting the Antarctic ice sheet, and that the man in the suit had important information.

Said an anonymous officer, “I asked if he had a license to drive recklessly.  He said he was working on it.  So I wrote him a ticket.  It was the only thing I could legally charge him with.”

The man in the suit was turned over to Homeland Security.  An hour later, a Homeland Security crew repaired the damage caused by the fight.

“The Promenade looks better than ever!” Said Peter.  “When I thanked them, they said it was no problem.  They’ve had lots of practice.  I guess these kind of fights happen more often than we know about.”

When reached for comment, Mayor Claar denied the gun battle happened, and added, “You know, Ipic Theaters might be a great place to meet constituents.”

Also in The Babbler:

Donate to the Red Cross
Alien poll watchers arrive in Bolingbrook
Illinois Bigfoot Society: Do not shave Bigfoot!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/6/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Web Exclusive: Alien Super PAC launches attack ads against Presidential candidate Jill Stein

Could this ad be all over the Web soon?

By Reporter X

The Venusian Super PAC, Humans for a Safe Planet, will launch a last minute media blitz against Green Party Presidential Candidate Jill Stein.

Sources within Barber's Corner Media, a company with ties to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, say HSP will try to spend $100 billion on attack ads against the candidate.  The campaign will include radio, print, and Internet ads against Stein

“When I heard they were going to spend this much money, we were excited.”  Said John, a media consultant for BCM.  “Then they told me it was for ads against the Green Party candidate.  I thought they were kidding.  When I showed them the poll numbers and suggested better ways to spend the money, they threatened to go else where.  Hey, who am I to argue with that kind of money?”

John then played one of their radio ads.

“Why is Jill Stein running for President?”  Asks the announcer.  “She’s been arrested twice in a month for trespassing, and shows no remorse for her criminal activity.  Is she running to serve our country or to pardon herself?  Do you want a commander and chief who doesn’t respect your property?  On November 6, vote for anyone else but Jill Stein!”

This reporter could not reach HSP, but a source close to the Venusian government says they fully support humanity’s efforts to make Earth more like Venus.  The Venusian fear that Stein has a slight chance of winning the election, and want to make sure that she has no chance of winning.”

“Your planet is so cold, water is a liquid!”  Exclaimed the source.  “Mitt Romney will accelerate global heating.  Obama is too weak to stop it.  Stein would keep Earth’s frigid temperatures.  Don’t you humans realize how cold it is on your world?  Don’t you want to be warm, like Venus?”

When reached for comment, a campaign staffer replied, “Um, tell them thanks for the free publicity, and if elected, Jill will enforce a ban on all manned expeditions to Venus.”

Romney, when reached for comment, said he had forgotten whether he liked or hated Stein this week, and would have to reply later.

The Obama campaign’s “Babbler Expert” denied that her campaign had anything to do with the attack ads.

“A vote for the Green Party is a vote for Romney.”  She added.  “Just look at Florida in 2000 election.  Even if Obama wins the Electoral College, Jill could take away enough votes so that Romney wins the popular vote.  Then the Republicans will feel that they can dictate policy to the President.  Does The Green Party really want to give the election to the Republicans?”

She later added, “I can’t wait for Obama to win.  Then I can be promoted from the campaign’s expert on The Babbler to the White House’s expert on the Weekly World News.  That would be awesome!”

John said was not certain when the ads would run, considering that many political ad slots are already filled.  The earliest ads could appear on Monday.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.