Saturday, October 13, 2012

Sources: Bolingbrook opposed to burying gate to Hell near Bolingbrook Golf Club

Is The Village of Bolingbrook really trying to prevent a landfill from being built over a gate to Hell?

According to some anonymous sources, the owners of a quarry accidentally uncovered a gate to Hell in a quarry located about two miles from The Bolingbrook Golf Club.  While the gate is still locked, and is currently buried under gravel, the owners decided the only way to secure the site was to turn that part of the quarry into a landfill.

“We can’t take any chances.”  Said one source.  “Can you imagine what would happen to our business if we unleashed Hell on Earth?  We’d never recover!”

After filing a rezoning application with the Will County Government, Bolingbrook officials announced that the village would oppose the application.

Said a second source, “I asked them what the (expletive deleted) are you thinking?  Do you want a gateway to Hell next to your village?  He replied that (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would rather have a gateway to hell next to the village than garbage trucks driving by his golf club.”

Sources within village hall say three men who claimed to representatives from the company met with Claar.  Once Claar arrived in the conference room, one of the men sprinkled alleged holy water at Claar.  The other two started speaking in tongues and tried to lay their hands on Claar.  Obviously angered, Claar pushed a hidden panic button and started yelling at the men.  Police officers detained the men, and as they were escorted away, Claar yelled, “I am not possessed, I am Bolingbrook!”

Another village hall source claims he heard Claar talking to someone about a donation to Claar’s campaign fund in exchange for ending his opposition to the landfill.  Claar, according to the source, told the caller to open the gate, walk in, and close it behind him.

“Make sure to save a spot for Drew Peterson while you’re there!” Claar allegedly yelled.  

Other village sources deny there is a gate to hell in the quarry, and, as noted in the Bolingbrook Bugle, they are concerned about how a landfill next to Bolingbrook would affect nearby schools and subdivisions.

“Roger likes to think of Bolingbrook as his home.  Will County is Bolingbrook’s backyard.  Roger simply doesn’t want a landfill in his backyard.”

Dave, who has friends of relatives who have connections to the owners, says the gate is already having a corrupting influence on the community.

“I’ve heard rumors that some students at Plainfield East High School are trying to organize a chapter of the Secular Student Alliance.  If we don’t cover up that gate now, by next year the SSA will have control over the Valley View and Plainfield school districts!  We can’t have that.”

When this reporter tried to talk to a representative from the SSA, he was interrupted during the interview.

“Oh no you don’t Mr. Bolingbrook Babbler!  You see, I’m finally back in my bright, happy fun place, and you’re not taking me away from there with your annoying questions.”

Also in The Babbler:

Governor Quinn denied campaign donation from the future
Will County passes werewolf tag law
Chicago ghosts promise scary good time for Halloween tourists
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/15/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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