Sunday, October 21, 2012

Atheist and Atheist+ missionaries descend upon Bolingbrook

Residents tell The Babbler that missionaries from two atheist faction groups visited their homes.

“I couldn’t believe it!”  Said John X Carlton a 12 year Bolingbrook resident.  “There were atheists in Bolingbrook!  We have over forty churches in Bolingbrook alone?  Isn’t that proof enough that there is a God?”

Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, said two atheist missionaries came to his home.  According to Paul, they invited him to come over to a neighbor’s home and watch a George Hrab concert DVD.  Then the two would lead a discussion about the “evils of Atheism+.”

“The first guy explained that Atheism+ wants to impose ideologies upon atheism.  He went on to say that only through ‘pure atheism’ could humanity be cured of the poison of religion.  Then he asked me if I had political thoughts.  I said yes.  He said that if I liked the George Hrab video, I should consider ‘educating’ myself so I could embrace the liberation of true atheism.”

Paul told the men he wasn’t interested.  As Paul closed the door, the other man yelled, “Richard Dawkins won’t punish you forever if you reject him!”

Jane, who asked that we not use her last name, claims that she a group of Atheism+ missionaries visited her home.  According to her, seven missionaries were dressed up in pirate outfits, and two were holding replicas of what appeared to be flying spaghetti monsters.  

When Jane opened the door, an African-American woman held out a bag and said, “Trick or Treat for Atheism+!”  The six people behind her started singing “praise to his noodley appendages.” The woman claimed that one in five of Jane’s neighbors were atheists, and that Jane should contribute to the newest wave of atheism.  The woman claimed that they helped raise money for cancer survivor and blogger Greta Christina.

“With your kind donation,” Said the woman, “you can help us maintain a web forum where Atheism+ supporters can gather and create a vision of atheism that is pro-social justice and combats misogyny, racism, bi/homo/trans phobia, abilism and any other form of bigotry.”

Said Jane, “I told them I would give them money, if they would stop that godawful singing on my porch.  They agreed, and I hope I never hear from them again.”

Sources also tell The Babbler that a pure atheism male missionary and a Atheism+ female missionary confronted each other in front of home.  

The pure atheism missionary pointed towards the woman’s Obama button, and accused her of pollution atheism with politics.  She countered that atheism inspired her belief in social justice, just like it inspired Emma Goldman, Margaret Sanger, and Clarence Darrow.  They man countered that they weren’t true atheists and true atheists would not involve themselves in politics!  The woman said the man was using the No true Scotsmen fallacy.  

The man called the woman an unprintable word.  She accused him of being a misogynist.  The man countered that just because he used that word, does not mean he hates all women.

The two continued their loud argument, causing neighbors to call the police.  When officers arrived, the man was starting to unbutton his pants.  The officers tackled and and cuffed the man.  The man denied that he was about to engage in a lewd act, but was showing solidarity with a homeless man who performed a lewd act in front of one the founders of Atheism+.

“I have free speech rights!”  Cried the man.  “That means I can say whatever I want, where every I want, and however I want!  Anything else is censorship!”

Both missionaries were arrested and charged with soliciting without a permit.  The man faces additional charges for lewd conduct.  The woman was released, while the man is still in jail for threatening to send a “slime pit” after the officer.

Sources close to the police department say that while it is unfortunate atheists have the right to act like missionaries, residents to have the right to ask them to leave their property, and to call the police if that atheist refuses.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets mess with Chicago’s weather for fun
Local zombies look forward to Halloween activities
Clow UFO base promises ‘exciting’ Halloween light show
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/23/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: