Sunday, October 28, 2012

Mayor Claar: Hurricane Sandy is not an invading spaceship!

NASA image of Hurricane Sandy

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar assured the interstellar press corps that Hurricane Sandy is not a disguised UFO.

“I’ve heard the rumors, and they’re (expletive deleted)!”  Said Claar.  “The East Coast of North America is not under attack!  Just because a hurricane becomes a Frankenstorm does not mean aliens are involved!  It’s just one of those unusual storms that are becoming more usual lately.  Not that it has anything to do with global warming!”

The press conference was intended to highlight the smooth relocation of UFOs from New England UFO bases to Clow UFO Base.  

“Our enhanced stealth grids can handle the increased stress.”  Said Claar.  “The UFO spotters might be happy seeing an extra UFO or two.  The rest of the public shouldn’t notice because they’ll be too busy watching The Weather Channel.”

When asked about rumors that Hurricane Sandy was a disguised invasion craft, Claar became upset.

“Why can’t you guys be more like Bolingbrook Patch and less like The Babbler?  Any intelligent being knows that the first thing aliens invaders would do is take out The Middle East.  Then after we run out of oil reserves, they would invade us.”

Claar also denied that HAARP is manipulating the hurricane, nor that the New World Order planned to use Sandy as a cover story for taking out the New England power grid.

“The New World Order is happy with the choice of Presidential candidates.  They have no desire to devastate New England, or change the course of the election.  Sometimes a hurricane is just a hurricane!”

Claar also reassured the reporters that Sandy would have a minimum affect on Bolingbrook.

“We’re expecting a few windy days, but nothing serious.  There is no truth to the rumors that you’ll be able to surf the waves at Lake Whalon.  It is still against the law to swim in the lake!  It’s only for fishing and boating!  Anyway, Since Lake Michigan is going to be a mess, this will be the perfect time to visit Lake Whalon.” 

He added that there was plenty of room and supplies for the extra alien visitors.

“We just received extra tanks of aliens atmospheres.  I’ve personally inspected the hangers, and we have the room.  Some aliens might have to sleep in their space craft since we’re short on guest rooms.  We can handle this.”

Claar added that Sandy shows how Clow is important to Earth’s relationship with the aliens.

“If there’s a disaster someone in the world, Clow is always a landing option.  How would we look if we told the galaxy, ‘Sorry!  You can’t land on Earth.  We just had a really bad storm.’  We would look foolish!  The fine personnel at Clow are showing the Universe that Earth is always open for business, and why Bolingbrook is the most important village in the galaxy!”

Clow expects the increased traffic to start Sunday afternoon, and last until Monday evening.  UFO spotters can expect more sightings from the East, with a slightly greater chance of daylight sightings.  As usual, UFO spotters should never venture onto the grounds of Clow Airport or bother the employees. The airport employees most likely do not know about the UFO base.

Also in The Babbler:

Chris Mooney to be banned from “red states”
Romney accused of using subliminal advertising
Witch arrest at O’Hare airport for attempting to curse PZ Myers
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/30/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Breaking News: Illinois resident photographs alien at CSICon

A photo taken by David Bloomberg (enhanced)

An Illinois resident tweeted an alleged photo of an alien attending a major skeptical convention.  

If confirmed, this would offer conclusive proof that The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry and it’s parent organization, The Center for Inquiry, are now the lead organizations representing the skeptical community to the interstellar community.  Some say that skeptics and aliens are working together to cover up the existence of UFOs and promote the scientific method.  Once humanity fully embraces science and critical thinking, the alien leaders will reveal themselves to humanity.

Some sources say that the photographed alien is one of many attending CSICon in Nashville this weekend.  So far, this is first confirmed alien photograph from the convention.

President and CEO Ronald Lindsay could not be reached for comment.

When reached for comment, Rebecca Watson, head of the Skepchick network of blogs, said, “Dude!  It’s been years since I’ve had fun at a skeptical convention.  Don’t ruin it for me with your silly questions!”

Checkout the print edition of The Babbler for further developments.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Atheist and Atheist+ missionaries descend upon Bolingbrook

Residents tell The Babbler that missionaries from two atheist faction groups visited their homes.

“I couldn’t believe it!”  Said John X Carlton a 12 year Bolingbrook resident.  “There were atheists in Bolingbrook!  We have over forty churches in Bolingbrook alone?  Isn’t that proof enough that there is a God?”

Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, said two atheist missionaries came to his home.  According to Paul, they invited him to come over to a neighbor’s home and watch a George Hrab concert DVD.  Then the two would lead a discussion about the “evils of Atheism+.”

“The first guy explained that Atheism+ wants to impose ideologies upon atheism.  He went on to say that only through ‘pure atheism’ could humanity be cured of the poison of religion.  Then he asked me if I had political thoughts.  I said yes.  He said that if I liked the George Hrab video, I should consider ‘educating’ myself so I could embrace the liberation of true atheism.”

Paul told the men he wasn’t interested.  As Paul closed the door, the other man yelled, “Richard Dawkins won’t punish you forever if you reject him!”

Jane, who asked that we not use her last name, claims that she a group of Atheism+ missionaries visited her home.  According to her, seven missionaries were dressed up in pirate outfits, and two were holding replicas of what appeared to be flying spaghetti monsters.  

When Jane opened the door, an African-American woman held out a bag and said, “Trick or Treat for Atheism+!”  The six people behind her started singing “praise to his noodley appendages.” The woman claimed that one in five of Jane’s neighbors were atheists, and that Jane should contribute to the newest wave of atheism.  The woman claimed that they helped raise money for cancer survivor and blogger Greta Christina.

“With your kind donation,” Said the woman, “you can help us maintain a web forum where Atheism+ supporters can gather and create a vision of atheism that is pro-social justice and combats misogyny, racism, bi/homo/trans phobia, abilism and any other form of bigotry.”

Said Jane, “I told them I would give them money, if they would stop that godawful singing on my porch.  They agreed, and I hope I never hear from them again.”

Sources also tell The Babbler that a pure atheism male missionary and a Atheism+ female missionary confronted each other in front of home.  

The pure atheism missionary pointed towards the woman’s Obama button, and accused her of pollution atheism with politics.  She countered that atheism inspired her belief in social justice, just like it inspired Emma Goldman, Margaret Sanger, and Clarence Darrow.  They man countered that they weren’t true atheists and true atheists would not involve themselves in politics!  The woman said the man was using the No true Scotsmen fallacy.  

The man called the woman an unprintable word.  She accused him of being a misogynist.  The man countered that just because he used that word, does not mean he hates all women.

The two continued their loud argument, causing neighbors to call the police.  When officers arrived, the man was starting to unbutton his pants.  The officers tackled and and cuffed the man.  The man denied that he was about to engage in a lewd act, but was showing solidarity with a homeless man who performed a lewd act in front of one the founders of Atheism+.

“I have free speech rights!”  Cried the man.  “That means I can say whatever I want, where every I want, and however I want!  Anything else is censorship!”

Both missionaries were arrested and charged with soliciting without a permit.  The man faces additional charges for lewd conduct.  The woman was released, while the man is still in jail for threatening to send a “slime pit” after the officer.

Sources close to the police department say that while it is unfortunate atheists have the right to act like missionaries, residents to have the right to ask them to leave their property, and to call the police if that atheist refuses.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets mess with Chicago’s weather for fun
Local zombies look forward to Halloween activities
Clow UFO base promises ‘exciting’ Halloween light show
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/23/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Web Exclusive: Mayor Rahm Emanuel to proclaim ‘Ghost Appreciation’ week

Sources say that Mayor Rahm Emanuel will embrace Chicago’s haunted heritage and proclaim Halloween week, “Chicago Ghost Appreciation Week.”
“This can only be good for business.”  Said Sandy Z. Mitchelson, owner of Windy City Ghostly Tours.  “It means city will fully embrace our contribution to the tourism industry, instead of ignoring us."

Source who have seen the proclamation claims that Chicago “has the largest active undead population in the Midwest,” and asks tourists to keep an open mind so “they can catch a glimpse of the thriving necropolis that coexists with us.”

Chicago police officers, who asked not be identified, say they’re telling local skeptics to “tone down the debunking,” and will issue an arrest warrant for famed skeptic Joe Nickell to prevent any “public debunkings.”

“Most of the skeptics will be in Nashville for the CSI conference.”  Said one officer.  “They shouldn’t be a problem this Halloween.”

When asked to comment, Emanuel replied.  “I used to hate you guys, but now I realize that you bring in the gullible tourists.  The more gullible tourists you attract to Chicago, the less taxes I’ll have to raise on the residents.  Keep up the good work, and write more critical articles on Occupy Chicago!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Sources: Bolingbrook opposed to burying gate to Hell near Bolingbrook Golf Club

Is The Village of Bolingbrook really trying to prevent a landfill from being built over a gate to Hell?

According to some anonymous sources, the owners of a quarry accidentally uncovered a gate to Hell in a quarry located about two miles from The Bolingbrook Golf Club.  While the gate is still locked, and is currently buried under gravel, the owners decided the only way to secure the site was to turn that part of the quarry into a landfill.

“We can’t take any chances.”  Said one source.  “Can you imagine what would happen to our business if we unleashed Hell on Earth?  We’d never recover!”

After filing a rezoning application with the Will County Government, Bolingbrook officials announced that the village would oppose the application.

Said a second source, “I asked them what the (expletive deleted) are you thinking?  Do you want a gateway to Hell next to your village?  He replied that (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) would rather have a gateway to hell next to the village than garbage trucks driving by his golf club.”

Sources within village hall say three men who claimed to representatives from the company met with Claar.  Once Claar arrived in the conference room, one of the men sprinkled alleged holy water at Claar.  The other two started speaking in tongues and tried to lay their hands on Claar.  Obviously angered, Claar pushed a hidden panic button and started yelling at the men.  Police officers detained the men, and as they were escorted away, Claar yelled, “I am not possessed, I am Bolingbrook!”

Another village hall source claims he heard Claar talking to someone about a donation to Claar’s campaign fund in exchange for ending his opposition to the landfill.  Claar, according to the source, told the caller to open the gate, walk in, and close it behind him.

“Make sure to save a spot for Drew Peterson while you’re there!” Claar allegedly yelled.  

Other village sources deny there is a gate to hell in the quarry, and, as noted in the Bolingbrook Bugle, they are concerned about how a landfill next to Bolingbrook would affect nearby schools and subdivisions.

“Roger likes to think of Bolingbrook as his home.  Will County is Bolingbrook’s backyard.  Roger simply doesn’t want a landfill in his backyard.”

Dave, who has friends of relatives who have connections to the owners, says the gate is already having a corrupting influence on the community.

“I’ve heard rumors that some students at Plainfield East High School are trying to organize a chapter of the Secular Student Alliance.  If we don’t cover up that gate now, by next year the SSA will have control over the Valley View and Plainfield school districts!  We can’t have that.”

When this reporter tried to talk to a representative from the SSA, he was interrupted during the interview.

“Oh no you don’t Mr. Bolingbrook Babbler!  You see, I’m finally back in my bright, happy fun place, and you’re not taking me away from there with your annoying questions.”

Also in The Babbler:

Governor Quinn denied campaign donation from the future
Will County passes werewolf tag law
Chicago ghosts promise scary good time for Halloween tourists
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/15/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Digital Cuttlefish amazes audiences at Shedd Aquarium

Digital Cuttlefish in a rare publicity photo
Digital Cuttlefish, the first cybernetically enhanced cuttlefish and famed blogger, started his run of poetry readings at Shedd Aquarium to rave reviews.

“I’m listening to this fish with an excellent command of the English language, and I realize that can only write in txt-speak.”  Said Eric Z. Norman.  “DC has shown me how much the human race sucks, and what we can aspire to be.  Thanks DC!”

Normally a shy creature who limits his public exposure to posts on the controversial Freethought Blogs Network, Digital Cuttlefish agreed to perform a series of secret shows at Shedd.  Select audiences are treated to readings of his poetry, as well as his commentary about science, politics and religion.

“He may be a cephalopoda,” said Carl K. Marcus, a spokesperson for Shedd, “but he understands the importance of science communication.  His implants have forever altered his perception of life and the universe we live in.  We’re honored that he’s sharing those perceptions with us this month.”

Eyewitnesses say Digital Cuttlefish’s two hour readings include many of his science poem, like this one:

Though it promised us trips through the stars, Cryogenics, and yes, flying cars, Science fiction must bow To our science facts now… That’s the word from our robot on Mars.

The readings also include his works on religion, including:

There’s this church, and there’s that church And there’s seven more in town And they disagree on what God thinks— His will can’t be nailed down
My pastor tells me “God says this” My neighbors say he’s wrong My relatives have different views But mostly get along
For every view their God supports A thousand are dismissed… We’d have to work it our ourselves If God did not exist.
Said one anonymous audience member, “Its words are so wrong, but they sound so right.”

During one reading, an offended audience member tried to charge the stage.

“This is why shellfish are an abomination!”  He allegedly shouted.  Eyewitness say Digital Cuttlefish hide in ink cloud while the man was escorted out by security.  He then emerged from the cloud, composed a poem in front of the audience, read the poem, then talked about the blog post he was going to write about the incident.

“I would have left the stage, but Digital Cuttlefish didn’t.”  Said an audience member who asked not to be identified.  “Cuttlefish may be shy, but they sure are brave.”

Behind the scenes, Shedd staff members say that Digital Cuttlefish is a pleasure to work with, and some have described having near spiritual experience with him.

Jill, which is not her real name, described one such experience while cleaning one of Digital Cuttlefish’s tanks.

I could hear him over the speaker singing, ‘Do Be Do Be Do Be Do.’  I thought he was just singing in his native language. Then I wondered if he was really reciting a mantra.  Maybe DC thinks he exists in a state of doing and being.  I wondered what that would be like.  So I closed my eyes and let DC’s words overwhelm me.  So I found myself in new world.  A world where love and identity wasn’t tied to gender and men can hold purses.  Where voices spoke the truth about a distant land.  A world grounded in science but motivated by the heart.  Where men and women fight for the truth from different prospectives.  Where the winds from the North only bring enlightenment, and not cold.  A world of moving pictures and alien skies.  In the winds from the South, voices from the past direct me to a hill.  A man on top of the hill said don’t look at him.  Look at the sky.  I looked up, expecting to see a blagging spirit, but instead, I saw stars.  Billions of stars.  I realized that I was in a universe that was far greater than any God humanity could imagine.  Though it didn’t care about me, I could accept it.  Because this  universe is all there is, and all I would ever need.  I felt at peace.  Then I opened my eyes, and realized that I was only attracted to women and my job stinks.  Still, it felt great to touch the freethought universe, if only for a little bit.  Thanks Digital Cuttlefish!

Digital Cuttlefish will be performing at Shedd Aquarium until October 31.  Kylie Sturgess will join him for a special Halloween show.  Then he will return to his home off the coast of Australia.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook refuses to build landfill over gateway to hell
Psychics still predict state championship for The Raiders
Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook denies hiring zombie reporters
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 10/10/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.