Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Web Exclusive: Blag Hag blogger saves humanity

By Reporter X

Jennifer McCreight averted an interstellar invasion by agreeing to indefinitely shutdown her blog, Blag Hag.

“It sucks that I have to stop blogging for a while.”  Said McCreight.  “Since you can’t blog on a dead planet, I really didn’t have a choice.”

Sources at Clow UFO base confirm that nearly one million mercenary warships entered our solar system on Tuesday.  Their leader, who did not identify itself, condemned McCreight for trying to start Atheism+.  A branch of atheism that supports “social justice issues,” Atheism+ was started when McCreight wrote a post about sexism she had experienced in the current atheist movement, and called for a new atheist movement.  The post also lead to the creation of a web site, a web forum, and yet another Internet flame war involving Professor Richard Dawkins.

The invaders demanded that McCreight stop blogging before the Atheism+ movement spread off-world.  When asked why, the leader shouted obscenities, used gendered insults, and accused her of claiming all atheists are violent misogynists.  If she didn’t stop blogging, they would obliterate all life on Earth.

“We might have been able to fight them,” said a source connected to Clow’s orbital defenses.  “It would have cost us a few cities, but we would have won.”  The source then praised McCreight for stepping away from her blog.

“She felt like she was giving up in the face of bullies, but she didn’t want the human race to risk extinction over her beliefs.  We told her that once The New World Order sorted things out, she could go back to her blog.   Still, she made a great sacrifice.  She saved the lives of all of her Internet bullies.  They owe her big time.”

After McCreight stepped down, two-thirds of the fleet left.  The remaining third demanded PZ Myers' resignation.

“When we heard that demand, we launched the interceptors.”  Said another source close to the New World Order.  “We knew there was no way PZ would step away from his blog, so we didn’t waste his time asking.”

The interceptors destroyed the remaining fleet before it could pass Jupiter’s orbit.  Survivors are currently receiving enhanced interrogation.  So far, investigators believe that the invaders were mercenaries hired by a prominent figure in the  human skeptical movement.  Once their employer is terminated, McCreight can resume blogging.

“The skeptical civil war has to stop now!”  Said the first source.  “I don’t care who started it, if it doesn’t end now, they’ll destroy human civilization with their alien armies.”

As for McCreight, she plans on writing a book during her hiatus.  

“British publishers have offered me millions to write a tell-all about Richard Dawkins.  I think I’m just going to write the ‘The Atheist’s Guide to Cats’ before Greta Christiana beats me to it.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh, this is fantastic :D