Saturday, September 1, 2012

Web Exclusive: Aliens release Clint Eastwood in Bolingbrook, IL


By Reporter X
A UFO Crew released actor Clint Eastwood yesterday and turned themselves over to authorities at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base on Friday.

Clow officals introduced Eastwood to the interstellar press corps shortly after his release.

“As you can see,” said Jim X Palmer, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs as he pointed to an obviously unhappy Eastwood, “Clint is unharmed, and ready to have the memory of this unfortunate event erased.

Eastwood interrupted saying, “What those aliens did to my reputation was unacceptable!  If you support capital punishment, you should give it to those little green men!”  Some in the audience gasped at the derogatory term for aliens.

According to Eastwood, who then took over the press conference, he was abducted by the UFO while he was about to leave to deliver a speech at the 2012 Republican National Convention.  

“As I was floating up, I thought I had died and that God must be a Republican if he was taking me to Heaven.  When I got inside their craft, my next thought was, ‘Damn!  I thought heaven was made of clouds, not steel and space ships.”

The aliens, according to Eastwood, told him who he was and that they were hired by Mitt Romney to fly him directly to Tampa, FL.  

“First I was flattered that I had fans outside of our solar system. Then I realized that Mitt Romney must be richer than I thought because he can afford to rent a UFO.  Of course, that made me wonder.  If Mitt can afford to rent a UFO, why the hell is his campaign always begging me for a donation?”

According to Eastwood, the flight seemed to last five minutes.  When the craft landed in Bolingbrook, 24 hours had passed.  Experts believe the craft traveled at relativistic speeds, which explains the lost time.  

The aliens, who have not been named, confessed to illegally abducting Eastwood and temporarily replacing him with a ‘defective’ android.  The android arrived at the convention and delivered what some called a “rambling” improvised speech in which it spoke to what seemed to be an empty chair with “Invisible Obama” sitting in it.

In their confession, the aliens said that had read The Unconventional Conservative blog and were angered by the RNC’s refusal to seat some Ron Paul delegates.

“Dr. Paul’s ideas are beyond your world.”  Wrote one of the aliens.  “So we wanted to get back at your unenlightened Republican Party for rejecting him.”

Shortly after being released, Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue showed Eastwood a video of the speech.

“I said, ‘Who the hell is that senile old man, and what the hell is he talking about?’  Then I realized that I was in a UFO Base and how (expletive deleted) this was.  I was really mad at our government for not doing enough to stop these space thugs.  Then when I realized that instead of being advanced beings, aliens are just a bunch of tricksters, I was really mad.  I thought they might bring world peace, or better guns to our world.  Instead, they traveled millions of miles to film a spaced-out version of Punked!”

When asked about the “Eastwooding” internet fad, Eastwood uttered a string of unprintable comments.

“If think they can mock me out of Hollywood, they’re wrong.  My lawyers will collect royalties from each and every one of those nerds!  Then I hope I’ll remember just enough to form a militia dedicated to shooting down every last one of those little green men!  That will make my day!

Before returning control of the conference back to Clow officials, Eastwood said that his real speech was about bringing the party together.  Though Eastwood is pro-choice and pro gay marriage, he stood by his endorsement of Romney and urged other moderate Republicans to join him.

When asked why he supported Romney, he replied, “Because I want my (expletive deleted) tax cut!”

Clow officials said that the aliens have been moved to an undisclosed location, and said that any picketers would be arrested.

A source within the Romney campaign said they are not worried about the android’s speech.

“This is nothing that a billion dollars in Super PAC funds can’t fix.”


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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