Sunday, September 30, 2012

PZ Myers convicted of blasphemy against Space Pope


By Reporter X

Controversial atheist and biology PZ Myers was convicted of blasphemy against Space Pope Lacoxo MMII.

The incident occurred while Myers was visiting Mars as part of a research exchange program between the Martian Colonies and the Center for Skeptical Inquiry.  Enforcers from the Universal Catholic Church accused Myers of planting a small papal flag on Olympus Mons.  Because this occurred while Pope Lacoxo MMII was on Mars, it was interpreted as mocking the church’s ban on mountain climbing.  

Colonial authorities arrested Myers and were going to turn him over to the church.  CSI officials unsuccessfully tried to get the charges dropped.  As a compromise, Myers would face trail at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, and would only fined if found guilty.  He could have faced execution by black hole under papal authority.

Pope Lacoxo MMII testified before the Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit about the seriousness of Myers’s act.

“All societies have religious foundations.”  Said the Pope.  “By mocking those foundations, you undermine society!  PZ may find humor in moral laws, but we find no such humor in moral decay.  That is why we fully prosecute anyone who commits blasphemy!”

Defense lawyer Digosh asked the Pope why it wasn’t until last year that the church universally banned mountain climbing.  Before, mountain climbing was banned only on the church’s home world.  

“My predecessors were not sitting on the Throne of Chirstgost when they made the rule.  I was!  Therefore my ruling is infallible!”

Before putting Myers on the stand, Digosh asked that Myers be allowed to type part of his testimony.  He explained that Myers has a social disability to only be able to express emotions with the aid of a computer.

“For my client to defend himself, he must be allowed accommodations that will allow him to fully express himself.”

The judge agreed, on the condition that the typed comments were only visible to the jury and the judge.

Myers took the stand and explained his actions on Mars.

“When I heard that the Space Pope was on Mars, I decided to research him.  When I read about his (typing) doctrine about mountain climbing, that made me feel (typing).  Here was a (typing) being who not only wanted to ban mountain climbing, but ban the sale of mountain climbing equipment.  What a (typing)!  So I bought a souvenir flag with my one credits, walked up Olympus Mons and planted it on the mountain.”

When asked by the prosecution if planting the flag was really harassment against the space pope, Myers strongly disagreed.  

“With all due respect, that is a (typing) question.  I didn’t drag the Pope up the mountain to force him to watch me plant the flag.  I didn’t post his home address on the interstellar network.  I don’t go to his churches and loudly wonder if it is OK to rape his followers.  I don’t demand a debate every time he says something.  In my own place and time I say what I want to say, and do what I want to do.  I am not harming him by being a free thinker!”

Myers then started typing furiously.  The jury gasped and the judge demanded that Myers stop typing.

“See,” replied Myers, “The (typing) pope is just fine.”

Digosh then put the Twitter user @elevatorgate on the stand.  Digosh asked if he supported Myers’ action.  While posting on Twitter, @elevatorgate said yes, accused Rebecca Watson of trying to take over atheism, called Atheism+ a cult, attacked Surly Amy’s art, and asked him to stop asking questions because he was too busy “following” Hayley.

When the judge ordered @elevatorgate to answer the questions, he replied that he was tired, and needed a cup of espresso and energy drinks with a shot of coffee.

“Why do they call them five hour energy drinks?  They only last for five seconds!”

When the judge suggested that he take a nap, @elevatorgate glared at the judge.

“How can you sleep when there are Skepchicks on the Internet?”  He yelled.

The judge ruled @elevatorguy in contempt, and ordered his arrest.  Peace officers struggled with him to take his computer away.  Finally, the officers restrained him.

“I’m entitled to my computer, you manginas!”  Protested @elevatorguy!  “A feminist could be writing about me, and I won’t be able to use my free speech rights to tell what a (expletives deleted) she is!”

As they peace officers dragged @elevatorguy away, Myers turned to Digosh. “Why did you put him on the stand?  He made us look bad.”

“The prosecution dared me to put him on the stand.  I thought they were telling me to put him on so I would think they really didn’t want me to put him on the stand so I wouldn’t put him on the stand, but in fact they were afraid I would put him on the stand.  So I put him on the stand!”

“With all do respect, that didn’t work out.  I suppose they dared you to put Ken Ham on the stand.”

Digosh hesitated.

“CSI told me you were the best lawyer when it came to interstellar religious cases.”

Digosh shook his head.  “No.  I told them I was the best lawyer they could afford.”

Myers frowned.  He then took a tablet computer, typed on it, then shoved it into Digosh’s face.

After firing Digosh, Myers stood up asked for the judge to pass an immediate sentence.

“Let’s get this over with!”  Said Myers.

The judge said that while she personally disagreed with church law, she had no choice but to find Myers guilty, and impose a record trillion credit fine on Myers.

Before Myers could reply, a being in the audience shouted “Stop!”  It explained that its client, an anonymous member of the human skeptical community, would pay the fine for Myers.  

“PZ may be an annoying feminist, but he is still part of the skeptical community, and we must stand up to the oppressive forces of Interstellar woo!”

In exchange for the credits, Myers had to promise to never criticize his client’s bass guitar playing.

Myers shrugged and agreed.

After the trail, Myers told the Interstellar media that he looked forward to finishing his paper on the evolution of Mars’s native lifeforms.  He also thanked the Center for Inquiry, the parent organization of CSI, for their efforts to end blasphemy laws in the galaxy.

“If you’re beliefs in things like transubstantiation, magic underwear, and magic man in the sky are so weak that you need to pass laws against their critics, maybe they’re beliefs not worth having.”

Also in The Babbler:

Unskewed recount shows that Bonnie defeated Mayor Claar in 2009
Downers Grove UFO crash blamed on iOS6 maps
Claar: I will not accept the Vice-president appointment
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/12


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

1 comment:

Paul said...

I sure hope those ideas never become reality. I wouldn't know how to go about this world if anything that brings excitement was banned.