Sunday, September 23, 2012

Mitt Romney declares war on Martian Colonies

By Reporter X

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney declared war on the Martian Colonies during a closed circuit broadcast to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base and other bases.

“We don’t have time to wait for the Presidential Election!”  Exclaimed Romney.  “We can’t maintain our status as an exceptional nation if there is an exceptionally arrogant civilization a few million miles away from us!”

Romney then called upon “good Mormon members” of the US Interstellar Fleet to commandeer ships and launch an immediate attack.  He also promised to baptize any non-Mormons crew members if they’re killed during the attack.

Before Romney could continue, the broadcast ended without explanation.  

At Clow, Mayor Roger Claar immediately addressed the gathered interstellar dignitaries and staff members.

“Don’t worry.”  Said Claar who apparently was forcing himself to laugh.  “I’m sure he’s going to apply his famous critical thinking skills, and change his mind.”  Claar then rushed out of the room.  Eyewitnesses heard him say into a communication device, “No attack craft will be launched from Clow.  Please don’t destroy us before I can talk to you in person!”

After Claar left the auditorium, the DEFCON 2 alarms went off, and everyone scrambled to their designated areas.

Sources within the Romney campaign, who asked not be identified, say this is not an attempt to distract attention from his comments about 47 percent of Americans, the negative reception Rep. Paul Ryan received at an AARP convention, or that he listed the United States as a foreign country on his 2011 tax returns.

“The governor simply wants to create an interplanetary opportunity to show that he has more experience than President Barack Obama.  What better way to do that than to rid the solar system of Mars’s invaders?”

Though many experts estimate that the Colonists’ technology is 10,000 years ahead of Humanity's, the sources say that Romney is not worried.

“Our intelligence says that Martians are not pleased with their current leadership.  Once our liberation force arrives, the colonists will rise up, and we won’t lose a single ship.  When the Universe sees that we have defeated an Intergalactic civilization, we will be seen as exceptional and Mitt will be seen as an exceptional leader.”

The source also denied rumors that Romney is trying to invade Mars as a political favor to a Mormon donor.

“While it could be true that a major donor wants to become the God of Mars after his death, to the best of my knowledge, Romney is not trying to exterminate all colonists so that the donor could create his own Martians.”

When this reporter tried to contact President Obama’s campaign, their “Babbler expert” replied instead.

“I’ll make a deal with your readers.”  She wrote in an e-mail.  “If Earth is still around after September 26th, then you will know that our President once again saved the Earth from a Martian Colonial invasion.  If that happens, all of your readers should donate at least $3 to campaign so humanity can keep moving forward towards the stars.  Once we resolve the budget crisis and can afford a public space program, of course.”

The Martian Consulate released the following statement to The Babbler.

When an ant bites a human, it does not destroy the entire colony.  It kills the ant.  If a human bites us, what do you think we will do?

As of this writing, Clow UFO Base is now at DEFCON 3.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviet end heat attack against Chicago
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel looks into creating Chicago UFO base
Northern Will County Water Agency solicits bids from alien water suppliers
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 9/29/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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