Sunday, September 30, 2012

PZ Myers convicted of blasphemy against Space Pope

By Reporter X

Controversial atheist and biology PZ Myers was convicted of blasphemy against Space Pope Lacoxo MMII.

The incident occurred while Myers was visiting Mars as part of a research exchange program between the Martian Colonies and the Center for Skeptical Inquiry.  Enforcers from the Universal Catholic Church accused Myers of planting a small papal flag on Olympus Mons.  Because this occurred while Pope Lacoxo MMII was on Mars, it was interpreted as mocking the church’s ban on mountain climbing.  

Colonial authorities arrested Myers and were going to turn him over to the church.  CSI officials unsuccessfully tried to get the charges dropped.  As a compromise, Myers would face trail at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base, and would only fined if found guilty.  He could have faced execution by black hole under papal authority.

Pope Lacoxo MMII testified before the Court of Extraterrestrial Affairs in the 109,298,291 Circuit about the seriousness of Myers’s act.

“All societies have religious foundations.”  Said the Pope.  “By mocking those foundations, you undermine society!  PZ may find humor in moral laws, but we find no such humor in moral decay.  That is why we fully prosecute anyone who commits blasphemy!”

Defense lawyer Digosh asked the Pope why it wasn’t until last year that the church universally banned mountain climbing.  Before, mountain climbing was banned only on the church’s home world.  

“My predecessors were not sitting on the Throne of Chirstgost when they made the rule.  I was!  Therefore my ruling is infallible!”

Before putting Myers on the stand, Digosh asked that Myers be allowed to type part of his testimony.  He explained that Myers has a social disability to only be able to express emotions with the aid of a computer.

“For my client to defend himself, he must be allowed accommodations that will allow him to fully express himself.”

The judge agreed, on the condition that the typed comments were only visible to the jury and the judge.

Myers took the stand and explained his actions on Mars.

“When I heard that the Space Pope was on Mars, I decided to research him.  When I read about his (typing) doctrine about mountain climbing, that made me feel (typing).  Here was a (typing) being who not only wanted to ban mountain climbing, but ban the sale of mountain climbing equipment.  What a (typing)!  So I bought a souvenir flag with my one credits, walked up Olympus Mons and planted it on the mountain.”

When asked by the prosecution if planting the flag was really harassment against the space pope, Myers strongly disagreed.  

“With all due respect, that is a (typing) question.  I didn’t drag the Pope up the mountain to force him to watch me plant the flag.  I didn’t post his home address on the interstellar network.  I don’t go to his churches and loudly wonder if it is OK to rape his followers.  I don’t demand a debate every time he says something.  In my own place and time I say what I want to say, and do what I want to do.  I am not harming him by being a free thinker!”

Myers then started typing furiously.  The jury gasped and the judge demanded that Myers stop typing.

“See,” replied Myers, “The (typing) pope is just fine.”

Digosh then put the Twitter user @elevatorgate on the stand.  Digosh asked if he supported Myers’ action.  While posting on Twitter, @elevatorgate said yes, accused Rebecca Watson of trying to take over atheism, called Atheism+ a cult, attacked Surly Amy’s art, and asked him to stop asking questions because he was too busy “following” Hayley.

When the judge ordered @elevatorgate to answer the questions, he replied that he was tired, and needed a cup of espresso and energy drinks with a shot of coffee.

“Why do they call them five hour energy drinks?  They only last for five seconds!”

When the judge suggested that he take a nap, @elevatorgate glared at the judge.

“How can you sleep when there are Skepchicks on the Internet?”  He yelled.

The judge ruled @elevatorguy in contempt, and ordered his arrest.  Peace officers struggled with him to take his computer away.  Finally, the officers restrained him.

“I’m entitled to my computer, you manginas!”  Protested @elevatorguy!  “A feminist could be writing about me, and I won’t be able to use my free speech rights to tell what a (expletives deleted) she is!”

As they peace officers dragged @elevatorguy away, Myers turned to Digosh. “Why did you put him on the stand?  He made us look bad.”

“The prosecution dared me to put him on the stand.  I thought they were telling me to put him on so I would think they really didn’t want me to put him on the stand so I wouldn’t put him on the stand, but in fact they were afraid I would put him on the stand.  So I put him on the stand!”

“With all do respect, that didn’t work out.  I suppose they dared you to put Ken Ham on the stand.”

Digosh hesitated.

“CSI told me you were the best lawyer when it came to interstellar religious cases.”

Digosh shook his head.  “No.  I told them I was the best lawyer they could afford.”

Myers frowned.  He then took a tablet computer, typed on it, then shoved it into Digosh’s face.

After firing Digosh, Myers stood up asked for the judge to pass an immediate sentence.

“Let’s get this over with!”  Said Myers.

The judge said that while she personally disagreed with church law, she had no choice but to find Myers guilty, and impose a record trillion credit fine on Myers.

Before Myers could reply, a being in the audience shouted “Stop!”  It explained that its client, an anonymous member of the human skeptical community, would pay the fine for Myers.  

“PZ may be an annoying feminist, but he is still part of the skeptical community, and we must stand up to the oppressive forces of Interstellar woo!”

In exchange for the credits, Myers had to promise to never criticize his client’s bass guitar playing.

Myers shrugged and agreed.

After the trail, Myers told the Interstellar media that he looked forward to finishing his paper on the evolution of Mars’s native lifeforms.  He also thanked the Center for Inquiry, the parent organization of CSI, for their efforts to end blasphemy laws in the galaxy.

“If you’re beliefs in things like transubstantiation, magic underwear, and magic man in the sky are so weak that you need to pass laws against their critics, maybe they’re beliefs not worth having.”

Also in The Babbler:

Unskewed recount shows that Bonnie defeated Mayor Claar in 2009
Downers Grove UFO crash blamed on iOS6 maps
Claar: I will not accept the Vice-president appointment
God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/5/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Mitt Romney declares war on Martian Colonies

By Reporter X

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney declared war on the Martian Colonies during a closed circuit broadcast to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base and other bases.

“We don’t have time to wait for the Presidential Election!”  Exclaimed Romney.  “We can’t maintain our status as an exceptional nation if there is an exceptionally arrogant civilization a few million miles away from us!”

Romney then called upon “good Mormon members” of the US Interstellar Fleet to commandeer ships and launch an immediate attack.  He also promised to baptize any non-Mormons crew members if they’re killed during the attack.

Before Romney could continue, the broadcast ended without explanation.  

At Clow, Mayor Roger Claar immediately addressed the gathered interstellar dignitaries and staff members.

“Don’t worry.”  Said Claar who apparently was forcing himself to laugh.  “I’m sure he’s going to apply his famous critical thinking skills, and change his mind.”  Claar then rushed out of the room.  Eyewitnesses heard him say into a communication device, “No attack craft will be launched from Clow.  Please don’t destroy us before I can talk to you in person!”

After Claar left the auditorium, the DEFCON 2 alarms went off, and everyone scrambled to their designated areas.

Sources within the Romney campaign, who asked not be identified, say this is not an attempt to distract attention from his comments about 47 percent of Americans, the negative reception Rep. Paul Ryan received at an AARP convention, or that he listed the United States as a foreign country on his 2011 tax returns.

“The governor simply wants to create an interplanetary opportunity to show that he has more experience than President Barack Obama.  What better way to do that than to rid the solar system of Mars’s invaders?”

Though many experts estimate that the Colonists’ technology is 10,000 years ahead of Humanity's, the sources say that Romney is not worried.

“Our intelligence says that Martians are not pleased with their current leadership.  Once our liberation force arrives, the colonists will rise up, and we won’t lose a single ship.  When the Universe sees that we have defeated an Intergalactic civilization, we will be seen as exceptional and Mitt will be seen as an exceptional leader.”

The source also denied rumors that Romney is trying to invade Mars as a political favor to a Mormon donor.

“While it could be true that a major donor wants to become the God of Mars after his death, to the best of my knowledge, Romney is not trying to exterminate all colonists so that the donor could create his own Martians.”

When this reporter tried to contact President Obama’s campaign, their “Babbler expert” replied instead.

“I’ll make a deal with your readers.”  She wrote in an e-mail.  “If Earth is still around after September 26th, then you will know that our President once again saved the Earth from a Martian Colonial invasion.  If that happens, all of your readers should donate at least $3 to campaign so humanity can keep moving forward towards the stars.  Once we resolve the budget crisis and can afford a public space program, of course.”

The Martian Consulate released the following statement to The Babbler.

When an ant bites a human, it does not destroy the entire colony.  It kills the ant.  If a human bites us, what do you think we will do?

As of this writing, Clow UFO Base is now at DEFCON 3.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviet end heat attack against Chicago
Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel looks into creating Chicago UFO base
Northern Will County Water Agency solicits bids from alien water suppliers
God to Smite Bolingbrook on 9/29/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Lost Tribes of Israel representatives arrive at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

After over 2700 years, representatives from the lost tribes of Israel returned to Earth this week.  Ten delegates arrived at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base were part of a team of delegates who are visiting every UFO base on Earth in celebration of Rosh Hashana, the Jewish new year.

Edward Rosenthal, former mayor of Bolingbrook, welcomed the delegates.  “It has been too long.  We have missed you.”

Davod Zickman, the Zebulun representative replied through a translator device, “We’re very sorry we couldn’t come back sooner.  We only recently built ships that could make the trip back to Kadur Ha'arets.”

The delegates explained that after the Assyrian deportations, aliens abducted many members of the northern tribes.  The aliens, according to Zickman, said they felt sorry for the lost tribes, and offered to give them their own solar system, where gentiles could never threaten them.  While most accepted the offer, some refused and were dropped off in Asia and Africa.

Once in the new solar system, the tribes had some conflicts, like what day was the Sabbath on the new worlds.  Eventually, they learned to get along.

“For centuries, we thought we were the only Jews left in the universe.” Said Quoda of the Dan tribe.  “Our rescue seemed like an act from the one we cannot name.  So how could we spoil His gift by destroying ourselves?”

Added Zickman, “Though most of us grew away from belief in a man in the sky, we still felt it was important to honor the culture created by our ancestors, and to make sure it remained a living culture.

Zickman explained that there only two branches of Judaism among their tribes: Secular and Orthodox.  To prevent conflict between the two branches, the Orthodox Jews have their own planet.  Jews who no longer wish to be Orthodox are allowed to move to the other secular planets, and vice versa.

Rosenthal said he looked forward to learning about the history of the lost tribes, and explaining the history of Earth’s Jewish population to them.

“It’s like I’m a teacher and student at the same time.”

Nine delegates will be attending Rosh Hashana services by the humanistic Kol Hadash congregation.  

“Our early exposure to advance science lead us to secularism.”  Said Zickman.  “We hope to learn what inspired your Jewish humanists.”

Quoda will be attending services at Anshe Sholom Bnai Israel Congregation.

“We know that aliens used advanced science to lead us to the homeworlds.”  Said Quoda.  “But it was the being whose name we cannot write that indirectly guided them to us.  We have kept the covenant in our high tech world.  I look forward to meeting brothers who have also kept the covenant despite secular pressures.”

While the delegates are happy to be in Chicago, one confessed that she really wanted to be in the New York delegation.

Joshie Berger is cooking a special meal for that delegation.”  Said Lydea.  “We’ve heard so much about his rants and his cooking.  I’m sure it will be a fun evening.”

Also in The Babbler:

Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook still promising “An October Surprise” against Mayor Claar
Sources:  Canada prepares to build boarder fence in time for Global Warming
Mayor Claar to form Bigfoot Commission
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/17/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Naperville Christian outraged over new Patheos blogger

The Patheos religious blog network’s newest atheist blog could become the center of controversy.  

Jan Z. Baker says is outraged by the selection of Dan Fincke, a former member of the controversial Freethought Blogs network and professor of philosophy.

“His blog is called Camels with Hammers!’ Camels can’t use hammers!  So I had to investigate!”

Baker claims the blog used to be called, Hitting Camels with Hammers but the name was secretly changed.

“That title makes more sense and is consistent with the evil that is atheism!”

When asked for proof, Baker points to the Internet.  While the old title has been scrubbed from Google, “A certain Internet forum” knows the truth.

Explains Baker, “I stumbled upon a forum that I’m not allowed to name.  I asked them if the name of Dan’s blog used to be Hitting Camels with Hammers.  They said yes!”

She also cited this forum post.

If telling you that his blog used to be called “Hitting Camels with Hammers” will make you hate Dan Fincke as much as we do, then yes!  It was called Hitting Camels with Hammers.”

Baker says she plans on starting a Internet petition demanding his removal from Patheos.

“My new Internet male friends say they can’t wait to sign it.” She replied.  “They’re also teaching me things.  Like, did you know that FTB really stands for Free From Thought Blogs?”

She added that’s she’s not against atheists on Patheos, “but they should have stopped after getting that friendly atheist guy.  I don’t care if he is a friendly heathen, he’s still going to Hell!”

She concluded that her love of Christ and camels compels her to act.

When reached by e-mail, Fincke denied that his blog had a different name, and said he had nothing against camels.

“The name comes from Nietzsche’s work.  You would know that if you had read my blog.”

Fincke then e-mailed a large text file to this reporter.

Please review all of my rules of polite Internet conversation before sending me another e-mail.  Even the slightest violation will result in deletion!  Someday, everyone will follow these rules!”

As of this writing, The Babbler’s team of lawyers and philosophers were still reviewing these rules and debating their merits.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Chicago Skeptics survive encounter with real life Internet troll

An expedition sponsored by Chicago Skeptics survived an encounter with an Internet troll in Chicago’s sewers.  

“Let me tell you something.” Said Dave Cromburg. “Those things are scarier in real life than they are online!”

According to sources within Chicago Skeptics, the group sponsored an expedition with the intent of finding the Wordmonster, a legendary creature that roams the Internet and writes a blog that takes a skeptical look at use of language.  The Chicago Skeptics were hoping to study Wordmonster in its real world habitat, and then collect a million dollars from The James Randi Educational Foundation.

“It could have been a win for everyone.”  Said Cromburg.  “The Chicago Skeptics would have gained instant credibility in the cryptozoological community for discovering a creature other cryptozoologists didn’t know existed.  We would have used the prize money to debunk fake creatures, like Bigfoot.  Plus, the government would grant Wordmonster endangered species status.  It would be protected from hunters and creepy cryptozoologists!  Everyone would win!”

The sources agree that The Chicago Skeptics believed they had tracked Wordmonster to an IP address located deep in Chicago sewers.  They decided to send a group of volunteers into the sewers to confirm Wordmonster’s presence.  Before entering the sewers, Chicago Skeptics leader, Dr. Jen, insisted that each group member must wear a biohazard suit.

“It will stink, but we can breath the air.”  Protested one team member.  

“Wordmonster might carry biological agents that can make you sick, or we could carry diseases that will make it sick.”  Countered Dr. Jen.  "That lesson was the only good thing about Prometheus."

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Web Exclusive: Blag Hag blogger saves humanity

By Reporter X

Jennifer McCreight averted an interstellar invasion by agreeing to indefinitely shutdown her blog, Blag Hag.

“It sucks that I have to stop blogging for a while.”  Said McCreight.  “Since you can’t blog on a dead planet, I really didn’t have a choice.”

Sources at Clow UFO base confirm that nearly one million mercenary warships entered our solar system on Tuesday.  Their leader, who did not identify itself, condemned McCreight for trying to start Atheism+.  A branch of atheism that supports “social justice issues,” Atheism+ was started when McCreight wrote a post about sexism she had experienced in the current atheist movement, and called for a new atheist movement.  The post also lead to the creation of a web site, a web forum, and yet another Internet flame war involving Professor Richard Dawkins.

The invaders demanded that McCreight stop blogging before the Atheism+ movement spread off-world.  When asked why, the leader shouted obscenities, used gendered insults, and accused her of claiming all atheists are violent misogynists.  If she didn’t stop blogging, they would obliterate all life on Earth.

“We might have been able to fight them,” said a source connected to Clow’s orbital defenses.  “It would have cost us a few cities, but we would have won.”  The source then praised McCreight for stepping away from her blog.

“She felt like she was giving up in the face of bullies, but she didn’t want the human race to risk extinction over her beliefs.  We told her that once The New World Order sorted things out, she could go back to her blog.   Still, she made a great sacrifice.  She saved the lives of all of her Internet bullies.  They owe her big time.”

After McCreight stepped down, two-thirds of the fleet left.  The remaining third demanded PZ Myers' resignation.

“When we heard that demand, we launched the interceptors.”  Said another source close to the New World Order.  “We knew there was no way PZ would step away from his blog, so we didn’t waste his time asking.”

The interceptors destroyed the remaining fleet before it could pass Jupiter’s orbit.  Survivors are currently receiving enhanced interrogation.  So far, investigators believe that the invaders were mercenaries hired by a prominent figure in the  human skeptical movement.  Once their employer is terminated, McCreight can resume blogging.

“The skeptical civil war has to stop now!”  Said the first source.  “I don’t care who started it, if it doesn’t end now, they’ll destroy human civilization with their alien armies.”

As for McCreight, she plans on writing a book during her hiatus.  

“British publishers have offered me millions to write a tell-all about Richard Dawkins.  I think I’m just going to write the ‘The Atheist’s Guide to Cats’ before Greta Christiana beats me to it.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Happy Labor Day

Editor Sara Langston
From all of us at The Bolingbrook Babbler, have a safe and happy Labor Day.  We're taking the next two days off, but we'll be back later this week.  Keep sending us your leads and we'll follow up on them!

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Web Exclusive: Aliens release Clint Eastwood in Bolingbrook, IL

By Reporter X
A UFO Crew released actor Clint Eastwood yesterday and turned themselves over to authorities at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base on Friday.

Clow officals introduced Eastwood to the interstellar press corps shortly after his release.

“As you can see,” said Jim X Palmer, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs as he pointed to an obviously unhappy Eastwood, “Clint is unharmed, and ready to have the memory of this unfortunate event erased.

Eastwood interrupted saying, “What those aliens did to my reputation was unacceptable!  If you support capital punishment, you should give it to those little green men!”  Some in the audience gasped at the derogatory term for aliens.

According to Eastwood, who then took over the press conference, he was abducted by the UFO while he was about to leave to deliver a speech at the 2012 Republican National Convention.  

“As I was floating up, I thought I had died and that God must be a Republican if he was taking me to Heaven.  When I got inside their craft, my next thought was, ‘Damn!  I thought heaven was made of clouds, not steel and space ships.”

The aliens, according to Eastwood, told him who he was and that they were hired by Mitt Romney to fly him directly to Tampa, FL.  

“First I was flattered that I had fans outside of our solar system. Then I realized that Mitt Romney must be richer than I thought because he can afford to rent a UFO.  Of course, that made me wonder.  If Mitt can afford to rent a UFO, why the hell is his campaign always begging me for a donation?”

According to Eastwood, the flight seemed to last five minutes.  When the craft landed in Bolingbrook, 24 hours had passed.  Experts believe the craft traveled at relativistic speeds, which explains the lost time.  

The aliens, who have not been named, confessed to illegally abducting Eastwood and temporarily replacing him with a ‘defective’ android.  The android arrived at the convention and delivered what some called a “rambling” improvised speech in which it spoke to what seemed to be an empty chair with “Invisible Obama” sitting in it.

In their confession, the aliens said that had read The Unconventional Conservative blog and were angered by the RNC’s refusal to seat some Ron Paul delegates.

“Dr. Paul’s ideas are beyond your world.”  Wrote one of the aliens.  “So we wanted to get back at your unenlightened Republican Party for rejecting him.”

Shortly after being released, Bolingbrook’s Men in Blue showed Eastwood a video of the speech.

“I said, ‘Who the hell is that senile old man, and what the hell is he talking about?’  Then I realized that I was in a UFO Base and how (expletive deleted) this was.  I was really mad at our government for not doing enough to stop these space thugs.  Then when I realized that instead of being advanced beings, aliens are just a bunch of tricksters, I was really mad.  I thought they might bring world peace, or better guns to our world.  Instead, they traveled millions of miles to film a spaced-out version of Punked!”

When asked about the “Eastwooding” internet fad, Eastwood uttered a string of unprintable comments.

“If think they can mock me out of Hollywood, they’re wrong.  My lawyers will collect royalties from each and every one of those nerds!  Then I hope I’ll remember just enough to form a militia dedicated to shooting down every last one of those little green men!  That will make my day!

Before returning control of the conference back to Clow officials, Eastwood said that his real speech was about bringing the party together.  Though Eastwood is pro-choice and pro gay marriage, he stood by his endorsement of Romney and urged other moderate Republicans to join him.

When asked why he supported Romney, he replied, “Because I want my (expletive deleted) tax cut!”

Clow officials said that the aliens have been moved to an undisclosed location, and said that any picketers would be arrested.

A source within the Romney campaign said they are not worried about the android’s speech.

“This is nothing that a billion dollars in Super PAC funds can’t fix.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.