Monday, August 6, 2012

Web Exclusive: Martian Colonies spare Curiosity at the last minute

By Reporter X

Human negotiators at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base spent an hour of hell persuading the Martian Colonists to allow NASA’s Curiosity rover to land safely.

“I thought the seven minutes of terror was going to be bad enough.”  Said a negotiator, who asked to be called Paul.  “Then an hour before entry, the Colonists announced they were going to shoot down Curiosity.  I was so mad!  All I wanted to do with enjoy the rover’s Twitter feed before the landing sequence.  Instead, I had to save the probe from the Martian Colonists, and then hope it didn’t burn up in the atmosphere.”

In the past, the Colonists have shot down 70 percent of the probes Earth has sent to Mars.  Most were shot down because the Colonists felt the probes were too revealing. Two were shot down for getting too close to the moon Phobos.  One was shot down for being “too ugly.”

The problem with Curiosity, according to another source who asked to be called Neil, is that it was somehow interfering with the Colonists’ equivalent to a cellular network.  Though the colonists live underground, they do have a surface wireless network that provides global coverage.

“The Martian atmosphere is deadly for the Colonists.”  Said Neil.  “So any disruption in their surface communication system puts lives at risk.  I can see their point.  Especially if a sand-ship crashes in a dead zone, or a parent has to deal with a teenager who can no longer transmit holographic messages to their friends.  I could see lives being lost over that last one.”

Human negotiators at first tried to appeal to the Colonists love of science, and promised to share all of Curiosity’s data with them.  When the Colonists didn’t budge, they promised to release more air brushed photos of the Face on Mars to erase any suspicion that it is a memorial to the last indigenous human from Mars.  As the landing window drew nearer, the human negotiators considered letting the Colonists choose the next President of the United States.  When the Colonists countered with being allowed to choose the next Mayor of Bolingbrook, the humans immediately rejected the offer.

With the minutes slipping away, Nicole Gugliucci, radio astronomer, Skepchick, and last minute substitute for the Skeptical Movement’s negotiator, Dr. Pamela Gay, solved the interference problem.  Gugliucci explained that while this reporter would have to earn a PhD before beginning to understand her solution, it was, to her, easy to solve.

“Their technology may be thousands of years ahead of ours, but they have to follow the same laws of physics that we do.”  Said Gugliucci.  “Once they explained the principle behind their network, it was just a matter of figuring out the proper software fixes to upload to Curiosity.”

Though she is credited with saving NASA billions of dollars, Gugliucci seemed quite humble.

“I don’t know if I was the best person to speak for the skeptical movement.”  Said Gugliucci.  “Dr. Gay choose me because she couldn’t get out of a Google Hangout, and I was the only person available.  We’ve only worked together for a little while at CosmoQuest, but I guess she was right.  I know she could have solved the problem sooner though.”

Curiosity will spend the next two years searching for evidence of indigenous organic compounds.  NASA has promised to “touch up” any evidence of the Colonists’ presence on Mars.



Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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