Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Web exclusive: Bolingbrook braces for the first ‘Atheism+’ convention

The secular civil war is coming to Bolingbrook in October, and village officials say they are ready.

“We’ve unpacked the riot shields, polished our batons, and checked the expiration dates on our tear gas grenades!”  Said David. L. Canton, spokesperson for the Bolingbrook Police Department.  “If any godless violence erupts in Bolingbrook, it will be dealt with swiftly.”

A new atheist faction, Atheism+, will hold its first convention at the Annerino Community Center sometime in October.  What started as a post by blogger Jennifer McCreight lamenting the current state of the Secular/Atheist civil war has inspired an untold numbers of atheists to start a “third wave of atheism.”

“I don’t want to share a movement with people who have to ask if it is immoral to rape a Skepchick.”  Said Jean, who asked that we not use her last name.  “I want a positive movement.  Atheism+ is that movement!”

Atheism+, according to links provided by Jean, is a movement, and organization, for atheists who also support “social justice.”  Among its beliefs, it is atheism plus pro-diversity, pro gay rights, and pro skepticism.

“The past year has really opened my eyes to how (expletive deleted) some atheists are.”  Said Jean.  “Elevatorgate was bad enough.  Come on!  A woman has a right to say she feels uncomfortable being hit on by a guy at 4 am in an elevator.  It’s been over a year, and now they’re going after Surly Amy too.  It’s too much.”

Though Atheism+ is less than a week old, Jean took it upon herself to organize the first convention.

“It’s been over a year since I had something positive to work on in the atheist community.”  Said Jean.  “So I really wanted to make my efforts count!  What better way than to organize a convention!  If this works out, maybe (Mayor Roger Claar) will build a convention center.  That will mean more jobs for all Bolingbrook residents!  It’s a win-win!”

Not all Bolingbrook residents are pleased with the convention.

Reverend Paul Anders of the 124th Community Christian Church said, “Damn it!  We’re still dealing with the fallout from the New Atheists!  Isn’t it bad enough that more people are identifying as atheists?  Do they have to throw another wave of godlessness at us?  None the less, our prayers will defeat this so-called Atheism+”

Reed Z Paul, of the Southwest Suburban Humanists of Chicago, accused Atheism+ of stealing their ideas from humanism.

“The only difference between humanism and Atheism+ is that we’ve spent decades distancing ourselves from those icky atheists!  We stand for something more.  It is bad enough that a new generation of atheists wants to attack religion.  Now these atheists are trying to steal our commitment to social justice.  They say you can be good without humanism.  We’ll see about that!”

John L. Swift of the Naperville Skeptics for Men’s Rights, was even harsher.

“‘Those White Knights and (expletive deleted) can’t leave the movement!  They’re marginal!  No one else will take them seriously.  They’re losers.  We’re the only that will tolerate them.  They won’t listen to me.  Instead they call me sexist.  They can’t call anyone who disagrees with them sexist.  It makes me want to (triggering action)  (triggering action) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (graphic description) (triggering action) those (expletive deleted)!  Those liars can’t leave the movement until true freethinkers like me say they can leave!  They’re lucky to have a nice guy like me to enlighten them!”

Canton says the Bolingbrook police will be on full alert during the convention.  Visitors and protestors should be aware that all forms of sexual assault and violence are illegal in Bolingbrook, added Canton.  Free Speech Zones will be set up if necessary.

“If there are any incidents, please report them to convention security or a police officer.”  said Canton.  “Please don’t let the Drew Peterson trial deter you.  We’ve cleaned up our act since he left the force.  You will be taken seriously because our officers don’t want to take another ‘Don’t be a Drew’ class!”

Jean says that while the international Atheism+ planning group has yet to acknowledge the convention, she hope they will by September.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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