Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Manchester Mumbler: Ghost cryptozoologists condemn Bigfoot expert Matt Moneymaker

Editor’s note: The Bolingbrook Babbler occasionally features articles by its UK sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler.  This week, we’re featuring a breaking story.
The UK most prestigious organization of ghost cryptozoologists condemned Matt Moneymaker’s tweets against UK skeptic Hayley Stevens, age 25.

“In all the years I’ve been dead, I’ve never read such an unprofessional conversation.”  Said Paul Zell, president of the UK Netherworld Cryptozoological Society said of the costar of US TV show “Finding Bigfoot.”

During a conversation on Twitter, Hayley, a former podcaster and current skeptical blogger, asked how Moneymaker knows it is a Sasquatch making a noise when he can’t see the creature.  He replied, “@Hayleystevens A dog is barking but u cannot see it. How do u know it is a dog? If u know what squatches sound like u know when they r near.”

When she pointed out that dogs are a documented species and Sasquatch is not, he said he already explained, then later added, “Will make sense when you are older and smarter.  Now you need to ask your parents.  They will explain things to you better.”

The perceived condescension towards Stevens angered many in the society.

“Like children, a good scientist keeps asking questions.”  Said Dean Z. Lester, vice-president of medium relations.  “If you don’t know the answer, you do research.  You don’t write dismissive tweets while counting your TV money!”

Others in the society noted that there is no firm agreement among ghost cryptozoologists on what a Sasquatch sounds like.

“Our American colleagues have been haunting the North American Woods for years, and still haven’t gotten a clear glimpse of one.”  Said Zell.  “They can see in the dark and don’t have to worry about bumping into things.  If they can’t figure it out, how can Mr. Moneymaker?”

Zell also praised Stevens for her paranormal investigative skills, noting how through she and her fellow investigators are.

“Believers just hold up a broken piece of equipment, mumble some nonsense , then walk away without learning about us.  Most skeptics don’t even bother to investigate.  Hayley and her friends will do field work.  We have to work really hard to cover up the existence of ghosts around her team.  We’re enemies, but we respect her, at the same time.”

Moneymaker is on vacation, and could not be reached for comment.

Phil Z. Anderson, of the Greater Manchester Paranormal Society, sided with Moneymaker.

“I’ve never agreed with the overly specific definition of ‘facts’ used by skeptics.  Facts are what we know to be true, even if can’t scientifically prove it.  For example, it is a fact the there is a monster in Loch Ness, Dr. Who is based on a real Time Lord, and the royal family are distant relatives of the Reptoids.  All factual statements, freed from the constraints of hyper-skeptics.”

When reached for comment, Stevens’ spokesperson said she wasn’t around.  The man then screamed and said, “Hayley!  You scared me!  Why are you wearing that sheet?”

“To hunt a ghost,” Said Hayley, “you must learn to act like a ghost.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.


Anonymous said...

What the hell is a "ghost cryptozoologist"?

Bolingbrook Babbler said...

A ghost who is a practicing cryptozoologist. Some ghosts don't want to spend their afterlives scaring mortals, so they take up hobbies, like cryptozoology.

Hayley said...

I know your secret.