Sunday, August 26, 2012

UFO pilots to fly missing craft formation over Bolingbrook on Wednesday

By Reporter X

Twenty-seven UFOs will a missing craft formation over Bolingbrook in memory of Neil Armstrong, the first human to walk on the moon. He died on August 25 after having heart surgery earlier in the month.

“Neil Armstrong is a true pioneer who is recognized around the galaxy.”  Said Paul X. Zimmons, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO base.  “It is fitting that our visitors would want to honor him in this manner.”

The crafts will launch from Clow around 11:48 PM and slowly fly over all of Bolingbrook.  Those with truly open mind should be able to see through the cloaking devices.

Koldo Poxgo, from the Quartis Republic, organized the flyover.  

“I know I’m close to Earth when I pickup the TV transmissions from his lunar landing.”  Said Poxgo.  “It still bring a tear to my nose when I see him stepping off his primitive craft.  It took real bravery to float into that craft, let alone land it.  I want to honor his memory.”

Though well known for the Apollo 11 mission in 1969, Armstrong also commanded a diplomatic mission 1973 to meet with leaders of the Martian Colonies.  Despite several sabotage attempts, a surprise attack, and a traitor on board, the Gagarin One Mission resulted in a 100 year cease fire with the colonies.  All passengers and crew survived the mission.

“There are few humans we respect, and Neil Armstrong was one of them.”  Read a statement from The Martian Colonies.  The colonies also reaffirmed their commitment to the cease fire.  

“We hope the human race will still be worthy of his efforts in 2073.”

Armstrong never tried to cash in on his reputation, both public and covert.  The Martian Colonists offered to inject him with nanites that would allow him to live forever.  He declined.

“He said he liked his body, but thanked us for the offer.”  Said an anonymous Martian Colonist who claims to have met Armstrong.

Armstrong also turned down offers to join the New World Order and the Illuminati.  He told them, according to connected sources, that he already held too many secrets, and just wanted to live a normal life with his family.

While he was able to live a normal life, his landing on the moon and Mars mission changed the galaxy’s perception of humanity.

Explained Interstellar Historian Klack Glaun, “Landing on your moon proved to the Interstellar Community that humans could take a break from watching sitcoms, taking drugs, rioting, and listing to rhythmic noise, they could achieve great things.  Some of us wanted to encourage humans to do more science, so they set up the modern skeptical movement.  Others wanted to discourage humanity, so they sought to pump more drugs, hate, and loud music into your culture.  Disco was their worst weapon against humanity.”

Glaun also added that the moon landing was a sign that interplanetary bases needed to use better camouflage.  

“Today, our bases are so well disguised, only Richard Hoagland can recognize them!”

Armstrong’s family released the following statement following his death:

For those who may ask what they can do to honor Neil, we have a simple request. Honor his example of service, accomplishment and modesty, and the next time you walk outside on a clear night and see the moon smiling down at you, think of Neil Armstrong and give him a wink.

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago Police win major battle against zombies
Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce: Babbler will never be a member business again!
Ohio Bigfoot was really a lost alien
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/30/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Web exclusive: Bolingbrook braces for the first ‘Atheism+’ convention

The secular civil war is coming to Bolingbrook in October, and village officials say they are ready.

“We’ve unpacked the riot shields, polished our batons, and checked the expiration dates on our tear gas grenades!”  Said David. L. Canton, spokesperson for the Bolingbrook Police Department.  “If any godless violence erupts in Bolingbrook, it will be dealt with swiftly.”

A new atheist faction, Atheism+, will hold its first convention at the Annerino Community Center sometime in October.  What started as a post by blogger Jennifer McCreight lamenting the current state of the Secular/Atheist civil war has inspired an untold numbers of atheists to start a “third wave of atheism.”

“I don’t want to share a movement with people who have to ask if it is immoral to rape a Skepchick.”  Said Jean, who asked that we not use her last name.  “I want a positive movement.  Atheism+ is that movement!”

Atheism+, according to links provided by Jean, is a movement, and organization, for atheists who also support “social justice.”  Among its beliefs, it is atheism plus pro-diversity, pro gay rights, and pro skepticism.

“The past year has really opened my eyes to how (expletive deleted) some atheists are.”  Said Jean.  “Elevatorgate was bad enough.  Come on!  A woman has a right to say she feels uncomfortable being hit on by a guy at 4 am in an elevator.  It’s been over a year, and now they’re going after Surly Amy too.  It’s too much.”

Though Atheism+ is less than a week old, Jean took it upon herself to organize the first convention.

“It’s been over a year since I had something positive to work on in the atheist community.”  Said Jean.  “So I really wanted to make my efforts count!  What better way than to organize a convention!  If this works out, maybe (Mayor Roger Claar) will build a convention center.  That will mean more jobs for all Bolingbrook residents!  It’s a win-win!”

Not all Bolingbrook residents are pleased with the convention.

Reverend Paul Anders of the 124th Community Christian Church said, “Damn it!  We’re still dealing with the fallout from the New Atheists!  Isn’t it bad enough that more people are identifying as atheists?  Do they have to throw another wave of godlessness at us?  None the less, our prayers will defeat this so-called Atheism+”

Reed Z Paul, of the Southwest Suburban Humanists of Chicago, accused Atheism+ of stealing their ideas from humanism.

“The only difference between humanism and Atheism+ is that we’ve spent decades distancing ourselves from those icky atheists!  We stand for something more.  It is bad enough that a new generation of atheists wants to attack religion.  Now these atheists are trying to steal our commitment to social justice.  They say you can be good without humanism.  We’ll see about that!”

John L. Swift of the Naperville Skeptics for Men’s Rights, was even harsher.

“‘Those White Knights and (expletive deleted) can’t leave the movement!  They’re marginal!  No one else will take them seriously.  They’re losers.  We’re the only that will tolerate them.  They won’t listen to me.  Instead they call me sexist.  They can’t call anyone who disagrees with them sexist.  It makes me want to (triggering action)  (triggering action) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (graphic description) (triggering action) those (expletive deleted)!  Those liars can’t leave the movement until true freethinkers like me say they can leave!  They’re lucky to have a nice guy like me to enlighten them!”

Canton says the Bolingbrook police will be on full alert during the convention.  Visitors and protestors should be aware that all forms of sexual assault and violence are illegal in Bolingbrook, added Canton.  Free Speech Zones will be set up if necessary.

“If there are any incidents, please report them to convention security or a police officer.”  said Canton.  “Please don’t let the Drew Peterson trial deter you.  We’ve cleaned up our act since he left the force.  You will be taken seriously because our officers don’t want to take another ‘Don’t be a Drew’ class!”

Jean says that while the international Atheism+ planning group has yet to acknowledge the convention, she hope they will by September.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Babbler announces The 2012 Valley View Student To Look Up To

With all the talk about school bullying, poor grades, and how doomed Generation Y is, The Babbler likes to start of each school year with a positive example.  A student everyone in Bolingbrook can look up to.  So the next time you read an editorial saying administrators are paid too much, or students know too little, just remember 2012’s Valley View 365u Student to Look Up To.

Fourteen year old Chad Z. Thilmany will be a freshman this year at Bolingbrook High School, and he’s already made history.  Thilmany is Bolingbrook’s first official dowser.  

Thilmany learned the art of finding things using sticks or rods from his father when he was 10.  His father, who works for Molex, dowses as a hobby, and thought it would be a good activity to share with his son.

“I didn’t like getting away from my video games at first.”  Said Chad.  “Then I found my first waterhole, and it was awesome!  Better than Zelda, because it was real!  I unlocked a real life achievement.”

When Chad picks up the bent two metal hangers, he says the feels the energy of the Earth pulling him towards whatever he is looking for.

“God gave us this gift to find water and the intelligence to figure out how to create tools to use that gift.”  Said Chad.  “I feel so blessed whenever I find something using God’s gift.”

Chad’s big break came over the summer.  According to Chad, he accompanied his father on a golf outing at The Bolingbrook Golf Club.  Chad doesn’t play golf, but did help his father’s group find their lost golf balls. 

While searching for a ball, he says Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar drove up to him in his private golf cart.  Claar, according to Chad, asked him what he was doing.  Chad explained.  Claar pulled a golf ball out of his bag, and asked if he could find it.  Instantly, the rods turned towards the ball.  Claar then asked if Chad could find water.  Again, rods reacted, and pointed towards the 15th hole.

Claar smiled, and said that Bolingbrook could use a young man like him.  He explained that The Northern Will County Water Agency needed backup plans in case they could annex a water transmission pipeline from Lake Michigan.

“If summers are going to get worse, we need to be able to find all the water we can.”  Chad claimed Claar told him.  “A young man with your talents could save our taxpayers from dehydration, or migrating to wetter communities.”

Claar then declared Chad to be Bolingbrook’s official water dowser.  He told Chad that he couldn’t tell any media outlet about this, except The Babbler.

“No one believes The Babbler.”  Claar told Chad.

Chad said he is concerned that he will be targeted by The Watchdogs of Bolingbrook.

“They may bully me because I work for Roger.”  Said Chad.  “But they’ll shut up once they have to rely on me to find drinking water.  I am honored and humbled that my God given talent will be used to save the lives of Bolingbrook residents!”

Claar denies that Bolingbrook has an official dowser, but that won’t stop The Babbler from naming Chad Thilmany 2012’s Student To Look Up To.

Also in The Babbler:

Bonnie plans October Surprise against Mayor Claar
Aliens divided over Skeptical Civil War
Zombies kept out of Bolingbrook Jubliee
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/21/12.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Manchester Mumbler: Ghost cryptozoologists condemn Bigfoot expert Matt Moneymaker

Editor’s note: The Bolingbrook Babbler occasionally features articles by its UK sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler.  This week, we’re featuring a breaking story.
The UK most prestigious organization of ghost cryptozoologists condemned Matt Moneymaker’s tweets against UK skeptic Hayley Stevens, age 25.

“In all the years I’ve been dead, I’ve never read such an unprofessional conversation.”  Said Paul Zell, president of the UK Netherworld Cryptozoological Society said of the costar of US TV show “Finding Bigfoot.”

During a conversation on Twitter, Hayley, a former podcaster and current skeptical blogger, asked how Moneymaker knows it is a Sasquatch making a noise when he can’t see the creature.  He replied, “@Hayleystevens A dog is barking but u cannot see it. How do u know it is a dog? If u know what squatches sound like u know when they r near.”

When she pointed out that dogs are a documented species and Sasquatch is not, he said he already explained, then later added, “Will make sense when you are older and smarter.  Now you need to ask your parents.  They will explain things to you better.”

The perceived condescension towards Stevens angered many in the society.

“Like children, a good scientist keeps asking questions.”  Said Dean Z. Lester, vice-president of medium relations.  “If you don’t know the answer, you do research.  You don’t write dismissive tweets while counting your TV money!”

Others in the society noted that there is no firm agreement among ghost cryptozoologists on what a Sasquatch sounds like.

“Our American colleagues have been haunting the North American Woods for years, and still haven’t gotten a clear glimpse of one.”  Said Zell.  “They can see in the dark and don’t have to worry about bumping into things.  If they can’t figure it out, how can Mr. Moneymaker?”

Zell also praised Stevens for her paranormal investigative skills, noting how through she and her fellow investigators are.

“Believers just hold up a broken piece of equipment, mumble some nonsense , then walk away without learning about us.  Most skeptics don’t even bother to investigate.  Hayley and her friends will do field work.  We have to work really hard to cover up the existence of ghosts around her team.  We’re enemies, but we respect her, at the same time.”

Moneymaker is on vacation, and could not be reached for comment.

Phil Z. Anderson, of the Greater Manchester Paranormal Society, sided with Moneymaker.

“I’ve never agreed with the overly specific definition of ‘facts’ used by skeptics.  Facts are what we know to be true, even if can’t scientifically prove it.  For example, it is a fact the there is a monster in Loch Ness, Dr. Who is based on a real Time Lord, and the royal family are distant relatives of the Reptoids.  All factual statements, freed from the constraints of hyper-skeptics.”

When reached for comment, Stevens’ spokesperson said she wasn’t around.  The man then screamed and said, “Hayley!  You scared me!  Why are you wearing that sheet?”

“To hunt a ghost,” Said Hayley, “you must learn to act like a ghost.”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Sources: Thunderf00t to go after College of DuPage’s Jill ‘n Salam

An alleged graphic from a future Thunderf00t video.

After ranting against creationists, libertarians, Muslims, feminists and Freethought Blogs, controversial Internet personality Thunderf00t could be setting his sights on College of DuPage spokespersons Jill and Salam.

A supporter, who asked to be called Jake, said he brought Jill and Salam to Thunderf00t’s attention.  He thought he might get a laugh from COD’s radio campaign.

“He been taking a lot of flack for re-inviting himself to the private Freethought Blogs e-mail list.  Come on, haven’t you been in a situation where you were kicked out of your girlfriend’s house, but you still had a key to get in?  Just like she can’t complain when you steal her diary and send pages to your friends, they can’t complain because he forwarded their private e-mails to others.  Anyway, I thought he was feeling down, so I told him about the ads, and how strange it was that they used someone with an Arabic name.  This is DuPage County.  We’re all American here.  Why would they use an Islamist name?”

Monday, August 6, 2012

Web Exclusive: Martian Colonies spare Curiosity at the last minute

By Reporter X

Human negotiators at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base spent an hour of hell persuading the Martian Colonists to allow NASA’s Curiosity rover to land safely.

“I thought the seven minutes of terror was going to be bad enough.”  Said a negotiator, who asked to be called Paul.  “Then an hour before entry, the Colonists announced they were going to shoot down Curiosity.  I was so mad!  All I wanted to do with enjoy the rover’s Twitter feed before the landing sequence.  Instead, I had to save the probe from the Martian Colonists, and then hope it didn’t burn up in the atmosphere.”

In the past, the Colonists have shot down 70 percent of the probes Earth has sent to Mars.  Most were shot down because the Colonists felt the probes were too revealing. Two were shot down for getting too close to the moon Phobos.  One was shot down for being “too ugly.”

The problem with Curiosity, according to another source who asked to be called Neil, is that it was somehow interfering with the Colonists’ equivalent to a cellular network.  Though the colonists live underground, they do have a surface wireless network that provides global coverage.

“The Martian atmosphere is deadly for the Colonists.”  Said Neil.  “So any disruption in their surface communication system puts lives at risk.  I can see their point.  Especially if a sand-ship crashes in a dead zone, or a parent has to deal with a teenager who can no longer transmit holographic messages to their friends.  I could see lives being lost over that last one.”

Human negotiators at first tried to appeal to the Colonists love of science, and promised to share all of Curiosity’s data with them.  When the Colonists didn’t budge, they promised to release more air brushed photos of the Face on Mars to erase any suspicion that it is a memorial to the last indigenous human from Mars.  As the landing window drew nearer, the human negotiators considered letting the Colonists choose the next President of the United States.  When the Colonists countered with being allowed to choose the next Mayor of Bolingbrook, the humans immediately rejected the offer.

With the minutes slipping away, Nicole Gugliucci, radio astronomer, Skepchick, and last minute substitute for the Skeptical Movement’s negotiator, Dr. Pamela Gay, solved the interference problem.  Gugliucci explained that while this reporter would have to earn a PhD before beginning to understand her solution, it was, to her, easy to solve.

“Their technology may be thousands of years ahead of ours, but they have to follow the same laws of physics that we do.”  Said Gugliucci.  “Once they explained the principle behind their network, it was just a matter of figuring out the proper software fixes to upload to Curiosity.”

Though she is credited with saving NASA billions of dollars, Gugliucci seemed quite humble.

“I don’t know if I was the best person to speak for the skeptical movement.”  Said Gugliucci.  “Dr. Gay choose me because she couldn’t get out of a Google Hangout, and I was the only person available.  We’ve only worked together for a little while at CosmoQuest, but I guess she was right.  I know she could have solved the problem sooner though.”

Curiosity will spend the next two years searching for evidence of indigenous organic compounds.  NASA has promised to “touch up” any evidence of the Colonists’ presence on Mars.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Christian aliens kicked out of Bolingbrook Chick-fil-A

Alien Davud X stands outside the Bolingbrook Chick-fil-A

By Reporter X

The Bolingbrook Chick-fil-A kicked out two Christian aliens who were trying support the besieged fast food chain.
“They claim to be Christians, but they are really agents of Anti-Christ.”  Said  Davud X of Barnard’s Star.  “They need to be educated in the universal signs left by our savior, Jesus Hogat Christ!”
X and his brother, Senchu X, went to the Bolingbrook Chick-fil-A to participate in Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day.  Two males wore bright pink clothing, and purple triangles necklaces.  
“Pink is the color of our savior’s blood!”  Exclaimed Senchu.  “Red from his mortal blood  combined with white from his purity to make pink!  It’s obvious!”
As for the triangles, Davud explained, “When our government rejected Christ, they chained him to triangular table.  They fired laser beams at Him, doused His wounds in acid, water-boarded Him, poked His eyes, gave Him cancer, and Probed Him in the most undignified ways.  Then when He was about to die, they put Him on Life Support, and let him suffer for seven weeks!  Of all the worlds Jesus visited, He suffered the most on ours.  That is why we are the most blessed!”
Disguised as unrelated human males, the two aliens walked to the Chick-fil-A and waited in the long line.  According to the two, Senchu felt ill and needed fluid.  Davud demanded a glass of water. Davud said the employee sighed and said that he was Biblically required to provide him water.  Davud drank it to “purify the water” and gave it to his brother directly into his mouth.  To an onlooker, it looked like the two were open mouth kissing. The manager then told the two to leave because they were “disgusting the guests.”
Davud then accused the manager of being a human fig. The manager threaten to call the police, and two aliens left.  
“Obviously Christ’s words got lost in the translation.  Sharing water is holy.  Only one human could grok this!”
The two aliens, and sources within the Department of Interstellar Affairs, say Mayor Roger Claar called the restaurant, and straightened things out.  The brothers were then allow to order food.  The two left without further incident.
The two say that they hold no ill will towards Chick-fil-A.
“Jesus forces me to forgive them.”  Said Senchu.
No one from the Bolingbrook restaurant would comment.  A spokesperson for the company laughed and directed this reporter to the following statement:
The Chick-fil-A culture and service tradition in our Restaurants is to treat every person with honor, dignity and respect –regardless of their belief, race, creed, sexual orientation or gender. We will continue this tradition in the over 1,600 Restaurants run by independent Owner/Operators.
When asked to comment, Claar exclaimed, “The Bolingbrook store won’t open until September 6.  Are you outsourcing your reporting too?  Anyway, keep me out of this story!”
An Illinois Chick-fil-A employee, who wished to remain anonymous, doubted the alien's story and existence, but said he fully supported his employer.
“The events from last Wednesday show that thousands of people want their fast food dollars to go towards supporting traditional marriage, denying special rights to gays, and supporting Biblical punishment of homosexuality!  Don't call us bigots.  Call us morally minded!  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to help our customers.  I can feel the power of Jesus Christ flowing from them into our cash registers, and driving up our profits.  If you don’t like that, then Jesus loves you!”
Also in The Babbler:
Chicago survives Soviet thunderstorm attack
Nation of Islam: Stop the murders or aliens will attack!
Ghosts complain about Lollapalooza noise levels
God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/9/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.