Sunday, July 1, 2012

Red Deer Reporter: Harper to offer ‘expedited citizenship’ to US health care refugees

Note: The following article is from our Canadian sister publication, The Red Deer Reporter.  Happy Canada Day! Eh?)

Sources tell The Reporter that Prime Minister Steven Harper will give any US health care refugee “expedited” Canadian citizenship and will not be covered by Canada’s health care system.

“It is only fair.”  Said an anonymous source.  “They’re leaving the USA because they don’t want to have health insurance.  What would you say to the poor person who swam  up Lake Michigan from Chicago to Canada?  ‘Hi.  You now have government health care?’”

Instead, say the sources, they will be moved to refugee camps in Alberta, where they will receive US style health care.  Precisely, those who have private plans will get the best coverage, those who do not will get treated in Emergency Rooms.

“Well, we do want to make our new visitors feel comfortable.”  Said a second source.  “Providing them with health care would be a hate crime.”

US citizens would only have to learn the “very basics” about Canadian citizenship and could apply after a year in the country.  Once they become citizens, they would be required to participate in the Canadian health care system.

An intern to New Democratic Party leader Tom Mulcair says harper has a cynical motive for allowing US citizens into the country.

“He wants to use them to vote down our heath care system and replace it with an expensive US version.  No thank you.  If we wanted US health care, we would moved to the US when they still had US health care!”

A spokesperson for Bloc Québécois thinks that Harper’s plan will backfire.

“Bonne chance en essayant de faire de l'anglais la langue officielle du Canada!”

A Harper spokesperson laughed and hung up the phone.

Also in The Red Deer Reporter:

Canada Day shows why Alberta is the best Provence! 
Werewolves agree not to terrorize city in exchange for beer
City warns local women about formation of Red Deer Skeptics group
God to smite the rest of Canada on 7/4/12.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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