Sunday, July 29, 2012

Manchester Mumbler: London Olympic mascots survive extraterrestrial administrative challenge

In honor of the London 2012 Olympics, we are featuring an article from our British sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler.
By Reporter Zeta
Wenlock and Mandeville will, for better or worse, remain the Olympic mascots for the London 2012 games.
The government of HD 85512b had filed a complaint with MI68a claiming that the two mascots too closely resembled an average HD resident.  
“While it can be argued that all intelligent amorphous metallic beings look alike, these two impostors have a default form that closely resembles our default form.”
HD demanded £1,000,000,000 in trademark infringement fines to be paid by Olympic sponsors who are using technology derived from interstellar research.
“If they want to abuse our image, fine!  We want money, and lots of it!”
The Olympic committee demanded that the case be immediately dismissed.
“Only someone with the intelligence of Willard Mitt Romney would think that we were trying to copy them.  Obviously their education programme is under an austerity plan.”
MI68a’s anonymous council sided with the Olympic committee.
“These two mascots are obviously in the tradition of horrible Olympic mascots.  If you are in danger of being confused with an Olympic mascot, then perhaps you should consider taking on less hideous forms.”
MI68a then recommended that the aliens should consult graphic designer Tracy King to come up with a better default form.
HD legal counsel was not pleased.
“This is to be expected from a government under the influence of the Illuminati!  Maybe the British beings should take their austerity programs a bit further and eliminate their government!  Think of the savings!”
MI68a released a statement clarifying that while they accept advise from the Illuminati, they are really under the control of The New World Order.
HD decided to end their challenge, rather than appeal to the New World Order.  They will instead cancel their live feed of the Olympic games.
“The loss of interstellar revenue will be much more than £1,000,000,000.  They should have worked with us!  The money would have gone towards the betterment of HD, not the galactic 1%.”
When this reporter reached Romney, he replied, “It sounds like things are really bad for the London games.  Just like I warned them.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to write a very important speech that I’m going to deliver in Israel this week.  I’m going to proclaim that Israel must remain a gentile state I will do everything in my power to enforce that!  I’ll top it off by saying they should hurry up and build the third temple of Jerusalem because I want Jesus to come back sooner rather than later.  Heck, I can even recommend a few good construction companies that can clear the site.  What do you think?”
Also in The Manchester Mumbler:
Queen: We were excited to see our athletes!  Don’t believe the Internet
UFO shot down before appearing over London
USA Bigfoot disqualified from Track and Field
God to smite Manchester on 30/7/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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