Sunday, July 8, 2012

Controversial skeptics unite for interstellar PSA against anti-vaccine terrorists

By Reporter X

Abbie Smith, Miranda Celeste Hale, PZ Myers, Rebecca Watson, and Sharon Hill gathered at Clow UFO Base to record a PSA against alien anti-vaccination terrorists.

“The fact that representatives from two warring factions of the skeptical movement united for this PSA speaks volumes about the threat these terrorists pose to Earth!”

KukPu'K is a terrorist organization responsible for the genocide of billions of sentient lifeforms.  Their covert operatives infiltrate civilizations and spread anti-vaccination propaganda.  Once the civilization loses herd immunity, the operatives release a deadly, but easily preventable disease.  To date, no civilization has survived one of their attacks.

Clow officials decided to combat KukPu'K by creating a PSA to broadcast to all visiting UFOs to raise awareness, and generate leads that could expose covert operatives.

“Our visitors are aware of the skeptical movement, and of the controversy surrounding their sexual harassment policies.”  Said Paul Noel, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We thought it would make a powerful statement if representatives from both sides were in the PSA.  We also thought that Sharon could keep the peace long enough between the two factions to record the PSA.”

Noel conceded that they did use some deception to bring the five of them together.

“We told them that we were recording an interstellar pro-vaccine PSA, and that if they wanted to remain in good standing with the NWO, they shouldn’t refuse.  We didn’t say who else was coming.”

Predictably, an argument broke out when the five of them met.

Said one source, “Rebecca said she didn’t feel she was in a safe space.  Miranda said she didn’t feel safe around PZ and his commenters.  PZ said Abbie’s “Simepit” commenters are misogynistic and far worse than his.  Abbie make a remark about PZ’s private parts.  That comment still makes me shudder.  Anyway, Sharon just started screaming that we should all set aside our differences and work together.  Just like The Avengers.  Well, you can imagine how well that went over.”

Finally, Mayor Roger Claar stormed into the room, and silenced everyone.  Sources say that Claar replied that sexual harassment is a serious problem, and added that making sure harassment policies don’t hurt innocent people is also a worthy goal.  He added that if they still wanted to be considered skeptics, they should set aside their differences for an hour, and just read their lines.

“We all have a stake in the war against anti-vaccine terrorists.  Because there are no blogs or political donors on a dead planet!  That’s what we’re going to have if KukPu'K wins!”

When Hale and Watson complained about safety, Claar yelled that there were invisible forcefields on set and everyone would be safe.  The five of them then reluctantly agreed.

The following is a transcript of the PSA.  Sources say they managed to film it in one take.

Hill: Hello. As you know, we don’t always agree.
Waston: I don’t believe that men should hit on a woman in an elevator at 4 am after she specifically says she just wants to go to sleep.
Smith: I believe feminist pinup girls shouldn’t try to pussy whip the skeptical movement.
Myers: I believe women shouldn’t provide cover for slimy misogynistic men.
Hale: I believe older men shouldn’t be telling younger women how to act.
Hill: (Laughs)  But we do agree that KukPu'K is the greatest threat to the galaxy.
Hale: Like the Catholic Church, KukPu'K terrorists spread fear and misinformation about science to their targeted worlds.  
Watson: These terrorists frighten women, and men into not vaccinating themselves or their children.
Smith: This destroys herd immunity.  While adults are free to make choices about their own bodies, their actions endanger children, the elderly, and people with compromised immune systems.
Myers: KukPu'K terrorists are focused on Earth.  One operative alone is indirectly responsible for the 895 deaths.
Hill: Once they destroy herd immunity on Earth, KukPu'K will unleash a deadly epidemic that could have been prevented through vaccination campaigns.
Myers: These terrorists says they are practicing natural selection, but that is a lie.  They are practicing unnatural selection.  Their propaganda is killing people who would still be alive under natural selection.
Hale: By saving the Earth, we can put a stop to KukPu'K, and save countless other worlds.
Watson: If you suspect that a passenger is a member of KukPu'K or that you are carrying KukPu'K cargo, contact your embassy or NWO official right away.  Even if it is an innocent remark about Jenny McCarthy or Andrew Wakefield.  Your actions could save both Earth and your home world.
Smith:  You can also help by donating to the NWO Vaccine Fund.  The money will be forwarded to science agencies like The World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control.
Watson: As well as nonprofit groups like Colorado Immunization Coalition and Women Thinking Inc.
Myers: So don’t pray for an end to KukPu'K.  Take action now, and save the lives of trillions of children around the galaxy.
Hill: Miranda, I think you have a poem for the audience.
Hale:  (Flutters her eyelashes)  Roses are red/violets are blue/Help us defeat KukPu'K.
All: And we’ll love you!

After the recording, the others hurriedly went home, while Hale tried to hunt down the writer of the PSA to complain about the poem.

The PSA will be broadcast on the Sol Navigation Network starting in August.  UFOs and human psychics will be able to view the PSA then.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook recovers from Soviet heat ray attack
Real super heroes to boycott ComicCon Chicago
Time traveler trashes “Justice League: The Movie”
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/11/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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