Sunday, July 1, 2012

Company to offer ‘fully automated’ online newspaper to Bolingbrook

Bryan Mayford, CEO of Reported Inc. thinks he has solved journalism’s biggest problem, and wants to test his solution in Bolingbrook.

“For too many years, publishers were required to pay employees to edit and write stories.  That reduces a publication’s business potential.  By getting rid of employees, I can maximize my business potential.”

Mayford plans to create a fully automated online newspaper, and use Bolingbrook as a test market.  He will buy the Bolingbrook Chronicle Internet domain, once it is publicly available.  Then Mayford promises to use the latest database and artificial intelligence technology to create “Bolingbrook’s first unbiased publication.”

“There’s nothing a reporter can do that a chatbot and editing program can’t do.”  Said Mayford.  “They can also write ad friendly copy without feeling like they’re betraying their journalism school.  This is the future, and it is coming to Bolingbrook!”

Mayford envisions a publication that can “instantly transform messages from community groups and businesses into news stories.”  When asked if that meant the site would automatically rewrite press releases, Mayford responded, “All publications do that.  I will just make the process faster.”  When asked if his publication would feature any “enterprise” reporting, he replied, “We’ll automatically scan the local blogs for that sort of thing.  Heck, they already write for free.  They’ll just be happy for our links.”

The new Chronicle, according to Mayford, will have a large competitive advantage over its “Hyperlocal” competition.  

Bolingbrook Patch has an expensive editor.  Sure she writes pretty prose, but save that stuff for Facebook.  TribLocal uses writers and editors from the Philippines.  They’re cheap, but still cost money.  Topix steals, excuse me, aggregates, content from other news sites, but readers are turned off by their nasty forums and poor design.  We think we have the winning algorithm for a successful publication.”

When asked about the quality of the writing, Mayford responded, “Hey, if people wanted quality writing, they would support dead tree media.  They aren’t.  They just want something for free, and I can provide it to them at a reasonable profit margin.  Unlike other publications, I’ll can easily upgrade once the singularity arrives!”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said, “You mean there is a publication that will run my press releases and call them news?  As long as they don’t call me at 2 am, like you just did, I’m all for it!”

The Babbler will only use human reporters and editors on their staff.

Also in The Babbler:

Source: New Surlyramics capable of responding to @angryskepchick tweets
Aliens laugh at National Geographic Channel’s “Chasing UFOs”
Bolingbrook struggles to counter Soviet heat ray
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/12


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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