Sunday, July 29, 2012

Manchester Mumbler: London Olympic mascots survive extraterrestrial administrative challenge

In honor of the London 2012 Olympics, we are featuring an article from our British sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler.
By Reporter Zeta
Wenlock and Mandeville will, for better or worse, remain the Olympic mascots for the London 2012 games.
The government of HD 85512b had filed a complaint with MI68a claiming that the two mascots too closely resembled an average HD resident.  
“While it can be argued that all intelligent amorphous metallic beings look alike, these two impostors have a default form that closely resembles our default form.”
HD demanded £1,000,000,000 in trademark infringement fines to be paid by Olympic sponsors who are using technology derived from interstellar research.
“If they want to abuse our image, fine!  We want money, and lots of it!”
The Olympic committee demanded that the case be immediately dismissed.
“Only someone with the intelligence of Willard Mitt Romney would think that we were trying to copy them.  Obviously their education programme is under an austerity plan.”
MI68a’s anonymous council sided with the Olympic committee.
“These two mascots are obviously in the tradition of horrible Olympic mascots.  If you are in danger of being confused with an Olympic mascot, then perhaps you should consider taking on less hideous forms.”
MI68a then recommended that the aliens should consult graphic designer Tracy King to come up with a better default form.
HD legal counsel was not pleased.
“This is to be expected from a government under the influence of the Illuminati!  Maybe the British beings should take their austerity programs a bit further and eliminate their government!  Think of the savings!”
MI68a released a statement clarifying that while they accept advise from the Illuminati, they are really under the control of The New World Order.
HD decided to end their challenge, rather than appeal to the New World Order.  They will instead cancel their live feed of the Olympic games.
“The loss of interstellar revenue will be much more than £1,000,000,000.  They should have worked with us!  The money would have gone towards the betterment of HD, not the galactic 1%.”
When this reporter reached Romney, he replied, “It sounds like things are really bad for the London games.  Just like I warned them.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to write a very important speech that I’m going to deliver in Israel this week.  I’m going to proclaim that Israel must remain a gentile state I will do everything in my power to enforce that!  I’ll top it off by saying they should hurry up and build the third temple of Jerusalem because I want Jesus to come back sooner rather than later.  Heck, I can even recommend a few good construction companies that can clear the site.  What do you think?”
Also in The Manchester Mumbler:
Queen: We were excited to see our athletes!  Don’t believe the Internet
UFO shot down before appearing over London
USA Bigfoot disqualified from Track and Field
God to smite Manchester on 30/7/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Sagan Dragons return to Bolingbrook

After 15 years, Bolingbrook has a new infestation of Sagan Dragons.

Sagan Dragons are invisible fire breathing dragons that produce no heat, leave no tracks, and are able to avoid every possible physical test.  Some produce evidence, but never when a skeptical observer is around.  First described by Carl Sagan in his 1997 book, “The Demon-Haunted World,” people who encounter these dragons just know they are present.

John Kregger of Bolingbrook is one of many people in the last week who believes a Sagan Dragon is in his garage.

“I just went into my garage, and it was hot.”  Said Kregger.  “Hotter than it should have been.  Then I remembered that old Babbler article and realized that I have Sagan Dragon in my garage.”  Kregger has been leaving food out for the dragon in hopes that it will not attack his family.  While he leaves the garage door open, the door into his house is locked.

“I hope it will get bored and leave.  I’m getting tired of telling my neighbors I have a dragon, and them giving me funny looks.”

Since the start of the recent summer heat wave, reports to The Babbler of Sagan Dragons have skyrocketed.  Many believers say they feel heat spots, or hear strange noises, yet these signs vanish when others are present.

Despite the reports, The Skeptical Teacher is unconvinced.

“The point of Carl’s story was how to deal with phenomena in the face of very little evidence.  He said to consider it unproven until new evidence comes in.  Guys, he didn’t really think there were dragons in people’s garages.  Maybe the residents of Bolingbrook need to inoculated from pseudoscience and I’m happy to help!”

When asked about neutrinos, he replied, “They barely exist but we can detect them.  There is more evidence for their existence than for ghosts, the Loch Ness Monster or your dragons.  That’s saying something!” 

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar was even more blunt.

“We went through this back in 1997!  If something can’t be physically detected, doesn’t interact with reality, and isn’t a part of reality, then it doesn’t exist!  Just like your journalistic credibility!”

Next week, the newsstand edition of The Babbler will include a special insert with instructions on how to remove Sagan Dragons from your home.  Until then, all Bolingbrook residents are urged to keep their garage doors closed to prevent a dragon from entering.  Residents should also keep the garage door locked if they suspect they have a dragon in the garage.  Experts say there is no case of a Sagan Dragon killing a human, but warn that it could happen.  If you need to get into a garage with dragon, bring a skeptic with you.

Also in The Babbler:
Anti-psychic Kitty resigns from the JREF
Clow UFO Base braces for Olympic watching parties
BED conference delayed to 2013
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/27/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Web Exclusive: Divided skeptics gathering at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

(This weekend, Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base is hosting the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science’s Third Medical Progress Status Report of Humanity Conference.  Medical scientists in the skeptical community will give presentations on the struggle to end medical fraud and promote science based medicine.  This will also be the first interstellar meeting since 1996 that The Center for Inquiry will represent the human skeptical community. Reporter X filed the following stories.)

No ‘message outer wear’ for human attendees

T-shirts, buttons and other “message wear” are banned at this year’s conference.  The ban is in response to Dr. Harriet Hall, “The SkepDock,” who wore a shirt at last weekend’s Amazing Meeting that read “I feel safe and welcome at TAM” on one side and “Not a ‘skepchick.’ Not a ‘Woman Skeptic’ Just a Skeptic” on the other side.  Many interpreted this as an attack on those who did not feel The Amazing Meeting was a safe space for women, and want all skeptical conferences to have published anti-harassment policies.

Organizer Dr. Steven Novella said that while Hall’s T-shirt could be considered legal under CFI’s code of conduct, he defended the dress code for this conference. 

“I understand that the skeptical community is divided over the treatment of women in skepticism. It is an emotional issue, and both sides raise important points.  But at this conference, we’re trying to create a space where people on both sides can feel welcome.  This is neutral ground in what you’re calling the skeptical civil war.  As we saw with Dr. Hall, even a simple t-shirt can cause conflict.  We can’t have that.”

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Footage Romney contradicts Romney’s claim he never spoke with aliens

By Reporter X

The Bolingbrook chapter of Aliens for Ron Paul released footage showing Mitt Romney meeting with a Martian Colonial ambassador. Contradicting Romney’s claim that he has never met with an alien.

“Romney is a liar!”  Said Zeboop, president of the Bolingbrook chapter.  “He says he has only met with humans, but Clow (UFO Base) security has thousands of videos of him meeting with Interstellar beings!  Now we force humanity to stone him for lying, but we can forcefully suggest that they replace him with a sensible human like Ron Paul!”

The picture, dated July 2003, allegedly shows Mitt shaking hands with Martian Colonial Ambassador Cliqeck Beglook.  This directly contradicts Romney’s claim to The Babbler in February that, “I have never knowingly spoken to an interstellar being.”

A Romney staffer, who asked not to be identified, responded that Romney didn’t technically tell an untruth.

“Mars is within our solar system, so he was technically right.  They aren’t interstellar aliens.  They’re our interplanetary neighbors.  And no, he was not acting on behalf of Bain Interstellar Capital, he was a concerned citizen trying to save the souls of an ancient civilization.”

When pointed out that the Martian Colonists are from another galaxy, the source replied, “Well that still doesn’t make them interstellar aliens, does it.  It makes them intergalactic, which is different from interstellar!”  The source later called back and said that because the colonists settled on Mars, it “retroactively” made them residents of the solar system, and not “interstellar beings.”

Zeboop demanded that Clow officials release all the security tapes of Romney.  He also claimed that Romney spoke with more than one alien race.

“Unless he’s redefining the solar system to include the entire galaxy, then Mitt Romney lied!  Ron Paul!  Ron Paul!  Ron Paul!”

When contacted by The Babbler, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar replied, “We are certainly taking these claims seriously.  By seriously trying to find who leaked the photos to the Ron Paul aliens!  I will be so glad when this campaign is over and Mitt is either elected or appointed President!”

When The Babbler called Romney headquarters, a Romney spokesperson replied, “Our advise to President Obama is to stop campaigning on Obamacare, apologize for forcing it into law, and admit that Romney would be a better president than he is.”

A Paul spokesperson said, “This is why Dr. Ron Paul only partially suspended his campaign.  Now the party can decide if they want to nominate someone who wants to lower taxes on the rich and not regulate the banks, or do they want to nominate Mitt Romney?”

The receptionist for the Obama Campaign said their “Babbler expert” was promoting vaccination in hostile environment, and would be back later this week.

The Martian Colonial Consoulate did not reply to this reporter’s interview requests.

Also in The Babbler:

Clow UFO Base to celebrate Surly Amy Day
Exclusive: JREF to lose interstellar ambassadorship
Weredeer protest Taste of Chicago
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/18/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Controversial skeptics unite for interstellar PSA against anti-vaccine terrorists

By Reporter X

Abbie Smith, Miranda Celeste Hale, PZ Myers, Rebecca Watson, and Sharon Hill gathered at Clow UFO Base to record a PSA against alien anti-vaccination terrorists.

“The fact that representatives from two warring factions of the skeptical movement united for this PSA speaks volumes about the threat these terrorists pose to Earth!”

KukPu'K is a terrorist organization responsible for the genocide of billions of sentient lifeforms.  Their covert operatives infiltrate civilizations and spread anti-vaccination propaganda.  Once the civilization loses herd immunity, the operatives release a deadly, but easily preventable disease.  To date, no civilization has survived one of their attacks.

Clow officials decided to combat KukPu'K by creating a PSA to broadcast to all visiting UFOs to raise awareness, and generate leads that could expose covert operatives.

“Our visitors are aware of the skeptical movement, and of the controversy surrounding their sexual harassment policies.”  Said Paul Noel, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “We thought it would make a powerful statement if representatives from both sides were in the PSA.  We also thought that Sharon could keep the peace long enough between the two factions to record the PSA.”

Noel conceded that they did use some deception to bring the five of them together.

“We told them that we were recording an interstellar pro-vaccine PSA, and that if they wanted to remain in good standing with the NWO, they shouldn’t refuse.  We didn’t say who else was coming.”

Predictably, an argument broke out when the five of them met.

Said one source, “Rebecca said she didn’t feel she was in a safe space.  Miranda said she didn’t feel safe around PZ and his commenters.  PZ said Abbie’s “Simepit” commenters are misogynistic and far worse than his.  Abbie make a remark about PZ’s private parts.  That comment still makes me shudder.  Anyway, Sharon just started screaming that we should all set aside our differences and work together.  Just like The Avengers.  Well, you can imagine how well that went over.”

Finally, Mayor Roger Claar stormed into the room, and silenced everyone.  Sources say that Claar replied that sexual harassment is a serious problem, and added that making sure harassment policies don’t hurt innocent people is also a worthy goal.  He added that if they still wanted to be considered skeptics, they should set aside their differences for an hour, and just read their lines.

“We all have a stake in the war against anti-vaccine terrorists.  Because there are no blogs or political donors on a dead planet!  That’s what we’re going to have if KukPu'K wins!”

When Hale and Watson complained about safety, Claar yelled that there were invisible forcefields on set and everyone would be safe.  The five of them then reluctantly agreed.

The following is a transcript of the PSA.  Sources say they managed to film it in one take.

Hill: Hello. As you know, we don’t always agree.
Waston: I don’t believe that men should hit on a woman in an elevator at 4 am after she specifically says she just wants to go to sleep.
Smith: I believe feminist pinup girls shouldn’t try to pussy whip the skeptical movement.
Myers: I believe women shouldn’t provide cover for slimy misogynistic men.
Hale: I believe older men shouldn’t be telling younger women how to act.
Hill: (Laughs)  But we do agree that KukPu'K is the greatest threat to the galaxy.
Hale: Like the Catholic Church, KukPu'K terrorists spread fear and misinformation about science to their targeted worlds.  
Watson: These terrorists frighten women, and men into not vaccinating themselves or their children.
Smith: This destroys herd immunity.  While adults are free to make choices about their own bodies, their actions endanger children, the elderly, and people with compromised immune systems.
Myers: KukPu'K terrorists are focused on Earth.  One operative alone is indirectly responsible for the 895 deaths.
Hill: Once they destroy herd immunity on Earth, KukPu'K will unleash a deadly epidemic that could have been prevented through vaccination campaigns.
Myers: These terrorists says they are practicing natural selection, but that is a lie.  They are practicing unnatural selection.  Their propaganda is killing people who would still be alive under natural selection.
Hale: By saving the Earth, we can put a stop to KukPu'K, and save countless other worlds.
Watson: If you suspect that a passenger is a member of KukPu'K or that you are carrying KukPu'K cargo, contact your embassy or NWO official right away.  Even if it is an innocent remark about Jenny McCarthy or Andrew Wakefield.  Your actions could save both Earth and your home world.
Smith:  You can also help by donating to the NWO Vaccine Fund.  The money will be forwarded to science agencies like The World Health Organization and the Centers for Disease Control.
Watson: As well as nonprofit groups like Colorado Immunization Coalition and Women Thinking Inc.
Myers: So don’t pray for an end to KukPu'K.  Take action now, and save the lives of trillions of children around the galaxy.
Hill: Miranda, I think you have a poem for the audience.
Hale:  (Flutters her eyelashes)  Roses are red/violets are blue/Help us defeat KukPu'K.
All: And we’ll love you!

After the recording, the others hurriedly went home, while Hale tried to hunt down the writer of the PSA to complain about the poem.

The PSA will be broadcast on the Sol Navigation Network starting in August.  UFOs and human psychics will be able to view the PSA then.

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook recovers from Soviet heat ray attack
Real super heroes to boycott ComicCon Chicago
Time traveler trashes “Justice League: The Movie”
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/11/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Red Deer Reporter: Harper to offer ‘expedited citizenship’ to US health care refugees

Note: The following article is from our Canadian sister publication, The Red Deer Reporter.  Happy Canada Day! Eh?)

Sources tell The Reporter that Prime Minister Steven Harper will give any US health care refugee “expedited” Canadian citizenship and will not be covered by Canada’s health care system.

“It is only fair.”  Said an anonymous source.  “They’re leaving the USA because they don’t want to have health insurance.  What would you say to the poor person who swam  up Lake Michigan from Chicago to Canada?  ‘Hi.  You now have government health care?’”

Instead, say the sources, they will be moved to refugee camps in Alberta, where they will receive US style health care.  Precisely, those who have private plans will get the best coverage, those who do not will get treated in Emergency Rooms.

“Well, we do want to make our new visitors feel comfortable.”  Said a second source.  “Providing them with health care would be a hate crime.”

US citizens would only have to learn the “very basics” about Canadian citizenship and could apply after a year in the country.  Once they become citizens, they would be required to participate in the Canadian health care system.

An intern to New Democratic Party leader Tom Mulcair says harper has a cynical motive for allowing US citizens into the country.

“He wants to use them to vote down our heath care system and replace it with an expensive US version.  No thank you.  If we wanted US health care, we would moved to the US when they still had US health care!”

A spokesperson for Bloc Québécois thinks that Harper’s plan will backfire.

“Bonne chance en essayant de faire de l'anglais la langue officielle du Canada!”

A Harper spokesperson laughed and hung up the phone.

Also in The Red Deer Reporter:

Canada Day shows why Alberta is the best Provence! 
Werewolves agree not to terrorize city in exchange for beer
City warns local women about formation of Red Deer Skeptics group
God to smite the rest of Canada on 7/4/12.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Company to offer ‘fully automated’ online newspaper to Bolingbrook

Bryan Mayford, CEO of Reported Inc. thinks he has solved journalism’s biggest problem, and wants to test his solution in Bolingbrook.

“For too many years, publishers were required to pay employees to edit and write stories.  That reduces a publication’s business potential.  By getting rid of employees, I can maximize my business potential.”

Mayford plans to create a fully automated online newspaper, and use Bolingbrook as a test market.  He will buy the Bolingbrook Chronicle Internet domain, once it is publicly available.  Then Mayford promises to use the latest database and artificial intelligence technology to create “Bolingbrook’s first unbiased publication.”

“There’s nothing a reporter can do that a chatbot and editing program can’t do.”  Said Mayford.  “They can also write ad friendly copy without feeling like they’re betraying their journalism school.  This is the future, and it is coming to Bolingbrook!”

Mayford envisions a publication that can “instantly transform messages from community groups and businesses into news stories.”  When asked if that meant the site would automatically rewrite press releases, Mayford responded, “All publications do that.  I will just make the process faster.”  When asked if his publication would feature any “enterprise” reporting, he replied, “We’ll automatically scan the local blogs for that sort of thing.  Heck, they already write for free.  They’ll just be happy for our links.”

The new Chronicle, according to Mayford, will have a large competitive advantage over its “Hyperlocal” competition.  

Bolingbrook Patch has an expensive editor.  Sure she writes pretty prose, but save that stuff for Facebook.  TribLocal uses writers and editors from the Philippines.  They’re cheap, but still cost money.  Topix steals, excuse me, aggregates, content from other news sites, but readers are turned off by their nasty forums and poor design.  We think we have the winning algorithm for a successful publication.”

When asked about the quality of the writing, Mayford responded, “Hey, if people wanted quality writing, they would support dead tree media.  They aren’t.  They just want something for free, and I can provide it to them at a reasonable profit margin.  Unlike other publications, I’ll can easily upgrade once the singularity arrives!”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar said, “You mean there is a publication that will run my press releases and call them news?  As long as they don’t call me at 2 am, like you just did, I’m all for it!”

The Babbler will only use human reporters and editors on their staff.

Also in The Babbler:

Source: New Surlyramics capable of responding to @angryskepchick tweets
Aliens laugh at National Geographic Channel’s “Chasing UFOs”
Bolingbrook struggles to counter Soviet heat ray
God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/4/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.