Saturday, June 30, 2012

Web Exclusive: Thunderf00ting banned at Bolingbrook’s 4th of July celebration

Residents will be spared the sight of Thunderf00ting
For the first time, women attending the Bolingbrook’s All American Celebration won’t have to worry about men trying to bite their legs.

“This has been embarrassingly overlooked for years.”  Said Dean C. Overmeyer, intern at the Village of Bolingbrook.  “Sadly, the Internet changes everything quickly, and I’m happy to say the village has responded in Internet time!”

Thunderf00ting, named after blogger Thunderf00t, is the practice of a man going up to a woman and playfully bitting on her leg.  Some fear that the practice could go viral because of Thunderf00t’s popularity, while others contend it is harmless fun.
Thunderf00t, in a blog post, argues, “ If I want to chew on some woman’s leg in a bar, I don’t want to have to consult the conference handbook to see if this classes as acceptable behavior!”

Overmeyer points out two flaws in his argument.  “First of all, I’ve never been in a bar where patrons can randomly nibble on each other.  Those people get thrown out before the police are even brought in.  Second, nobody at a family friendly event wants to see an act of attempted cannibalism.  It will spoil their appetite for the great dishes at the food pavilion or the all you can eat BBQ!  The tickets for the BBQ are very reasonable, by the way.”

Overmeyer added that while women were technically protected from assault under Bolingbrook law, organizers wanted to make it specifically clear that Thunderf00ting will not be tolerated.

Dr. Mark C. Lai, consultant to Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, adds that there is a health risk to even consensual Thunderf00ting.

“The incident in Miami clearly shows that there is a zombie creating agent out there.  Unless a woman has my special training, she won’t be able to spot a level zero zombie.  So what she thinks is a case of playful nibbling, could turn her into a zombie meal, if she’s lucky, or turn her into a zombie!  I think I speak for most Bolingbrook residents when I say that we don’t want a zombie outbreak on the Fourth of July!”

When asked for an interview, Thunderf00t insisted that he video the entire interview, write the questions himself, and devote at least 30 minutes to how Freethought Blogs, his host site, is trying to oppress him.  He also wanted to devote 60 minutes of the interview to explain why sexism in the atheist community isn’t a big deal and that other atheists should be talking about more important issues. The Babbler refused.

Sources within Village Hall expect the practice of Thunderf00ting to be banned at all village events.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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