Sunday, June 17, 2012

Flat Earth super PAC eyes 2013 Valley View election

Oswego billionaire Marshal Sanders is declaring war against fundamentalism in the Illinois school system.

“We’re telling our children that it is settled fact that the Earth is round.”  Said Sanders.  “Yet I can go onto the Internet and find the Flat Earth Society.  Clearly there isn’t a consensus and we need to stop lying to our children.  We have to combat globular fundamentalism!”

Sanders is forming Illinois Parents for the Flat Out Truth, a Super PAC supporting candidates who will “promote academic freedom and present all views regarding global science.”  PFOT will use the 2013 Valley View 365U board election as a test run for future campaigns.

“Mayor Roger Claar has one of the best political support networks in the state.”  Said Sanders.  “If we can defeat his board candidates, that will flatten the state educational establishment, so to speak.”

PFOT has already raised 10 million dollars from Sanders, and hopes to raise more from “silent partners.”  

“They want to remain anonymous because they could be targeted by the globular fundamentalists.  We’re talking about people who can put fake space pictures on TV and never be questioned.”

Sanders refused to say what his fundraising goals are, but did say he hopes to saturate Bolingbrook with ads and mailers.

“Roger can only afford to send one letter to every resident recommending candidates.  I can afford to do four letters, get a web ad on every web site a Bolingbrook resident visits, and buy hours of cable TV ads.”

Proposed ads shown to this reporter do not specifically mention Flat Earth Theory, but do have phrases like, “Don’t let my opponent talk circles around you,” and “There are no curves in my platform.”

PFOT, according Sanders, isn’t anti-globular, but “open minded.”  

“I look outside and the ground is flat.”  Said Sanders.  “Yet the teachers are trying to tell me that the Earth is round.  That’s not right.  All ‘facts’ are subject to debate.  Heck, in the Middle East, globular theory was debated on TV.  Yet a science teacher can be fired for teaching the controversy.  That’s not right. I want my teachers to have the same academic freedom as they do in the Middle East.  Is that too much to ask?”

When The Babbler tried to reach Claar, his receptionist laughed, and said he was in the middle of a cultural exchange negotiation with Canada.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Triumph isn’t available.  How about April Wine?  They would make a great addition to our Summer Concert Series?”

Chicago Skeptics leader Dr. Jen strongly disagreed with Sanders’ assertion that the shape of the Earth is up for debate.  She noted the existence of time zones, lunar eclipses, the shape of other planets, and the various lengths of shadows at two different places on Earth.  Shadow length, she noted, was used by Eratosthenes to accurately measure the circumference of the Earth around 240 BC.  She also recommended a web site with more information on the subject.

“It is stories like this that show the need for skeptical activism.  Which just happens to be the subject of our next Meetup on June 23.”  Said Dr. Jen.

In the background, a man’s voice said, “We just wrote the simplest anti-harassment  policy ever!”

“What is it?”  Asked Dr. Jen.

“Don’t.”  Said the man.


“As in don’t do it.”

After a long pause, Dr. Jen asked, “And what is the punishment if someone does?”

“Leave.”  Said a woman.

After another pause, Dr. Jen said, “I have to go.  The committee needs a little more guidance.”  She then hung up.

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-psychic Kitty boycotts TAM 2012 over South Point’s pet ban
Grade school students search for hole into the hollow earth
Park Districts rejects underwater expedition to search for Hidden Lakes Monster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/20/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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