Saturday, June 2, 2012

Aliens to protest 'Prometheus"

By Reporter X

Extraterrestrials promise to picket the Bolingbrook opening of Prometheus with or without a permit.

"This movie is an outrage to our ancestors and an insult to the human race!" Said Gwomo Quoto, the spokesperson for the Coalition of Visitors Demanding Hospitality.

Prometheus is a prequel to Alien, which claims that humanity was created and guided by ancient astronauts. When humans find them, the astronauts send monsters to attack the humans.

Quto claims to represent the decedents of real ancient astronauts.

"My great to the 23 power uncle accidentally started a grass fire while working on a spacecraft." Said Quto." "A human noticed that the sparks started the fire. She went back to her tribe, and struck two flint stones together. The rest is history. That was their only contribution to human knowledge!" Quto added that humans are very intelligent creatures, and would have found fire on their own.

"My uncle saved humanity a few hundred years from discovering fire on their own. That's it. Think about it. We can travel to the stars? Why would we want to pile a bunch of rocks together? We could build steel structures back then."

Doq Pox, another member of the coalition, says he is offended by the film depiction of monsters eating and growing inside humans.

"To most races, humans are toxic to eat! We're not genetically compatible in any way. This movie also says we breed humans to be slaves. Blick that! If we wanted slaves, which we don't, we wouldn't make creatures as smart as humans, and we wouldn't leave them alone on a planet. You want slave creatures to always be dependent on you. Not that we make slave creatures, of course. The point is, the writers of this film think humanity is just as stupid as they are!"

Donald K. Emerson of the Bolingbrook Department of Interstellar Affairs, says they will make a decision about the permit soon.

"They have a right to express their opinion, but they have to look like fanboys while doing it."

Ridley Scott could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago bars brace for skeptic civil war

Fifteen ghosts protestors released

Editorial: TSA should screen all atheists and skeptics

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/5/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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