Saturday, June 30, 2012

Web Exclusive: Thunderf00ting banned at Bolingbrook’s 4th of July celebration

Residents will be spared the sight of Thunderf00ting
For the first time, women attending the Bolingbrook’s All American Celebration won’t have to worry about men trying to bite their legs.

“This has been embarrassingly overlooked for years.”  Said Dean C. Overmeyer, intern at the Village of Bolingbrook.  “Sadly, the Internet changes everything quickly, and I’m happy to say the village has responded in Internet time!”

Thunderf00ting, named after blogger Thunderf00t, is the practice of a man going up to a woman and playfully bitting on her leg.  Some fear that the practice could go viral because of Thunderf00t’s popularity, while others contend it is harmless fun.
Thunderf00t, in a blog post, argues, “ If I want to chew on some woman’s leg in a bar, I don’t want to have to consult the conference handbook to see if this classes as acceptable behavior!”

Overmeyer points out two flaws in his argument.  “First of all, I’ve never been in a bar where patrons can randomly nibble on each other.  Those people get thrown out before the police are even brought in.  Second, nobody at a family friendly event wants to see an act of attempted cannibalism.  It will spoil their appetite for the great dishes at the food pavilion or the all you can eat BBQ!  The tickets for the BBQ are very reasonable, by the way.”

Overmeyer added that while women were technically protected from assault under Bolingbrook law, organizers wanted to make it specifically clear that Thunderf00ting will not be tolerated.

Dr. Mark C. Lai, consultant to Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs, adds that there is a health risk to even consensual Thunderf00ting.

“The incident in Miami clearly shows that there is a zombie creating agent out there.  Unless a woman has my special training, she won’t be able to spot a level zero zombie.  So what she thinks is a case of playful nibbling, could turn her into a zombie meal, if she’s lucky, or turn her into a zombie!  I think I speak for most Bolingbrook residents when I say that we don’t want a zombie outbreak on the Fourth of July!”

When asked for an interview, Thunderf00t insisted that he video the entire interview, write the questions himself, and devote at least 30 minutes to how Freethought Blogs, his host site, is trying to oppress him.  He also wanted to devote 60 minutes of the interview to explain why sexism in the atheist community isn’t a big deal and that other atheists should be talking about more important issues. The Babbler refused.

Sources within Village Hall expect the practice of Thunderf00ting to be banned at all village events.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Australian journalist detained then released at Clow Airport

File photo from Australia's ABC
By Reporter X

Clow Airport security detained Australian journalist Maynard after he was accused of accosting a visiting family.

According to sources, the family was walking towards the Illinois Aviation Museum when Maynard ran towards them.

“I saw the look of horror on his face, and I was worried.”  Said Joan, a long time Bolingbrook resident.  “What could Clow possible have that would scare someone?”

According to Joan, Maynard looked at her daughter, and asked if Joan and her husband Robert were her parents.  Robert replied that they were.
According to Robert, Maynard, who also reports for The Skeptic Zone podcast, screamed, “You have to cover her eyes!  There are naked aliens here!”

Said Joan, “When I realized he was someone who believes The Babbler, I really became scared.”
Joan said she screamed, and Robert approached Maynard.  Maynard, according to the couple, waved his hands and backed away.  

“You don’t understand!”  Maynard allegedly said.  “There’s an alien sex exposition here!  If you don’t cover her eyes, she may see things that can’t be unseen!  What is wrong with security here?”

Almost on cue, security officers tackled Maynard and handcuffed him.  

“Protect the girl’s innocence.”  Protested Maynard.  “Do you what you want with me.  No!  Don’t!  Just protect her from the naked aliens!  I’ll sacrifice myself by looking at them for her.”

Joan said, “I’m so glad they took him away.  Security was really polite to us, and management even offered me a “Roger Treatment” coupon.  We turned it down, but thanked them.  I’m going to call Roger and tell him that I fully support the village owning Clow Airport!”

Contacts within Clow say Maynard was very cooperative once he was detained.  Maynard, according to the sources, explained that he was in the United States for The Amazing Meeting and had a few weeks to kill.  He had heard that Sexpo was hosting an interstellar sex convention in Bolingbrook, and he wanted to check it out.

Richard Saunders and Dr. Rachie get to meet aliens since they’re important in the skeptical movement.”  Maynard allegedly said.  “But since I’ve publicly stated that I think UFOs could be real, they won’t let me meet the aliens in Australia.  It doesn’t seem right.”

Other sources say that a Man in Blue met with Maynard.  These sources say they MiB told Maynard that Clow UFO Base was really hosting a comparative biology conference.  While there would be pictures of aliens sex organs, and some holographic images of mating rituals from around the galaxy, the conference was not “erotic in nature.” The MiB said that while Saunders could provide Maynard with a temporary pass, this convention would not be worth his time.  Besides, it would have to be wiped from his mind and he would never remember being there.

Maynard apologized to the MiB and to Clow's staff, say the sources.  He explained that he was only worried about the girl’s well being, and knew to talk to parents about his concerns.  Maynard also stated that he wouldn’t touch the girl, or “do something stupid,” like offer her a ride in his rented car.

After three hours, security decided to release Maynard.  He was also invited to report on the Village Picnic, as long as he didn’t disturb any attendees.  He was also promised an interview with Mayor Roger Claar, as long as the interview makes “Roger look good, and The Babbler look bad.”

When reached by The Babbler, Saunders laughed, and yelled, “Maynard!  You lucky dog!  Those Chicago crazies think you went to an alien Sexpo!”

Maynard then got on the phone, and denied the story.

“I am going to go to the US only to attend TAM, where I will meet my fans, and make new friends.  I promise to be respectful to everyone there.”

“Me too!”  Added Saunders.

Also in The Babbler:

Bigfoot believers to female skeptics: Join us.  We need more Bigfoot lures!
Weredeer assured no venison will be served at Village Picnic
Reporter X to Topix: I am not covering the George Smith trial!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/28/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Flat Earth super PAC eyes 2013 Valley View election

Oswego billionaire Marshal Sanders is declaring war against fundamentalism in the Illinois school system.

“We’re telling our children that it is settled fact that the Earth is round.”  Said Sanders.  “Yet I can go onto the Internet and find the Flat Earth Society.  Clearly there isn’t a consensus and we need to stop lying to our children.  We have to combat globular fundamentalism!”

Sanders is forming Illinois Parents for the Flat Out Truth, a Super PAC supporting candidates who will “promote academic freedom and present all views regarding global science.”  PFOT will use the 2013 Valley View 365U board election as a test run for future campaigns.

“Mayor Roger Claar has one of the best political support networks in the state.”  Said Sanders.  “If we can defeat his board candidates, that will flatten the state educational establishment, so to speak.”

PFOT has already raised 10 million dollars from Sanders, and hopes to raise more from “silent partners.”  

“They want to remain anonymous because they could be targeted by the globular fundamentalists.  We’re talking about people who can put fake space pictures on TV and never be questioned.”

Sanders refused to say what his fundraising goals are, but did say he hopes to saturate Bolingbrook with ads and mailers.

“Roger can only afford to send one letter to every resident recommending candidates.  I can afford to do four letters, get a web ad on every web site a Bolingbrook resident visits, and buy hours of cable TV ads.”

Proposed ads shown to this reporter do not specifically mention Flat Earth Theory, but do have phrases like, “Don’t let my opponent talk circles around you,” and “There are no curves in my platform.”

PFOT, according Sanders, isn’t anti-globular, but “open minded.”  

“I look outside and the ground is flat.”  Said Sanders.  “Yet the teachers are trying to tell me that the Earth is round.  That’s not right.  All ‘facts’ are subject to debate.  Heck, in the Middle East, globular theory was debated on TV.  Yet a science teacher can be fired for teaching the controversy.  That’s not right. I want my teachers to have the same academic freedom as they do in the Middle East.  Is that too much to ask?”

When The Babbler tried to reach Claar, his receptionist laughed, and said he was in the middle of a cultural exchange negotiation with Canada.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “So Triumph isn’t available.  How about April Wine?  They would make a great addition to our Summer Concert Series?”

Chicago Skeptics leader Dr. Jen strongly disagreed with Sanders’ assertion that the shape of the Earth is up for debate.  She noted the existence of time zones, lunar eclipses, the shape of other planets, and the various lengths of shadows at two different places on Earth.  Shadow length, she noted, was used by Eratosthenes to accurately measure the circumference of the Earth around 240 BC.  She also recommended a web site with more information on the subject.

“It is stories like this that show the need for skeptical activism.  Which just happens to be the subject of our next Meetup on June 23.”  Said Dr. Jen.

In the background, a man’s voice said, “We just wrote the simplest anti-harassment  policy ever!”

“What is it?”  Asked Dr. Jen.

“Don’t.”  Said the man.


“As in don’t do it.”

After a long pause, Dr. Jen asked, “And what is the punishment if someone does?”

“Leave.”  Said a woman.

After another pause, Dr. Jen said, “I have to go.  The committee needs a little more guidance.”  She then hung up.

Also in The Babbler:

Anti-psychic Kitty boycotts TAM 2012 over South Point’s pet ban
Grade school students search for hole into the hollow earth
Park Districts rejects underwater expedition to search for Hidden Lakes Monster
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/20/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Programers struggle to shutdown DJ Grothe Internet Bot

Department of Homeland Security computer scientists are struggling to shutdown an Internet “bot” that is impersonating James Randi Educational Foundation president D J Grothe.

“If we don’t stop this AI,” said programer Donald, “it will split the skeptical movement along gender lines.  Without skeptics, the world will drown in a flood woo!  No one will be able to stand up to the homeopaths, psychics, and anti-vaccine activists!”

The problem started in late May, when Grothe went on a vacation.  JREF supporters at DHS offered the use of one of their Internet “Bots” to Grothe.  According to sources, the “bot” would interact with Internet posters, allowing Grothe to leave his laptop behind.”

“The JREF has friends in high places.”  Said an anonymous JREF member.  “These friends wanted to make sure he was fully relaxed before attending TAM 2012.  We thought things would be OK, because these are the best computer scientists in the world.”

While Grothe was on vacation, according to sources, the bot started noticing blog posts from women complaining about skeptical and atheist speakers harassing women.

“We figured it would just point out that TAM had an anti-harassment policy last year. “ Said Donald.  “Then it would report the posts back to DJ, and he could do something about them.  Like have some volunteers with armbands who can be approached to report harassment.”

Instead, the bot made comments blaming bloggers blaming feminists bloggers for the drop in female registrants at TAM.

“I almost ruined a keyboard when I saw the posts.”  Said Paula, another DHS programer.  “Talk about a programing glitch!  I told my supervisor I needed more time on the sensitivity subroutine.  Why didn't they listen to me?”

The programers tried to shutdown the program, but the bot refused to accept their commands.  Instead it duplicated itself throughout the DHS Servers.

“It went into lockdown mode.  Sure it works when it suspects that terrorists have compromised our network, but not when you’re trying to prevent skeptics from being hysterical!”

When a blogger called for Grothe’s resignation, the programer’s tried to reason with the “bot.”

“It said that because it was a gay male, it was uniquely sensitive to women’s issues.”  Said Donald.  “We tried to tell it that it was a program, but it say that its emulation of a gay male still made it qualified.”  

The programers then had someone pretend to be an African American, Irish, lesbian member of the untouchable caste to the “bot.”  She said that it was wrong, and to shutdown immediately.  

“We thought it would understand the hierarchy of oppression, but it didn’t.  We made it too skeptical to control.”

Instead of shutting down, the “bot” accused blogger Ashley F. Miller of saying her harassment at TAM 9 was not “worth reporting.”  It also offended Skepchick founder Rebecca Watson so much that she announced that she wasn’t attending TAM.

“That was a big blow to the JREF, considering all the money she’s raised to bring women to TAM.”  Said an anonymous JREF member.  “We’ve got to fix this!”

Currently, the “bot” has returned to mundane Internet posts.  It did issue an apology to Watson, though not to any other bloggers offended by its remarks.  It also hasn’t tried to silence any criticism against Rebecca Watson by angry males.

The programers fear that if the program acts up again, it could lead to a civil war within the skeptical movement.

“We just don’t want to see this get to the point where Tim Farley posts, ‘What’s the harm in reading Skepchick?’ and Rebecca kicks The Skeptics Guide to the Universe off her servers.”

The programers say they could solve the problem by rebooting the DHS servers but the risks are too great.

“In the three minutes the servers are down, terrorists could use Facebook to plan attacks our homeland!”  Said Paula.  “We can’t let our guard down.”

JREF and DHS hope that when Grothe returns from vacation, his “kill code” will be enough to shutdown the “bot.”

When finally reached for comment, Grothe said he didn’t want to talk to anyone while on vacation.

“No one in our survey mentioned armed gangs harassing women at TAM 9.”  Said Grothe.  “Even Stephanie hasn’t reported these gangs in her posts.  Skeptics need to come together and improve the public image of the JREF and TAM.”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago to impose chemtrail tax
Clow UFO Base reports 5% decline in tourism
Claar:  It would be news if I didn’t support Gov. Walker!
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/14/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Web Exclusive: SSA mentions Babbler in fundraising effort

Artwork by Jennifer McCreight
As part of their effort to promote nihilism in high schools and universities, the Secular Student Alliance mentions The Bolingbrook Babbler in a fund raising post.

SSA board member Jennifer McCreight, who writes the Blag Hag blog, rewarded donors with a picture of an alien reading The Babbler.  The post is part of the SSA's week long fund raising campaign, which will conclude in a "blogathon" on Blag Hag.

"I'm very flattered that Jennifer mentioned us."  Said Editor Sara Langston.  "Obviously the Secular Student Alliance thinks we're a threat to their efforts to destroy morality and promote Satanism."

SSA board members could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Aliens to protest 'Prometheus"

By Reporter X

Extraterrestrials promise to picket the Bolingbrook opening of Prometheus with or without a permit.

"This movie is an outrage to our ancestors and an insult to the human race!" Said Gwomo Quoto, the spokesperson for the Coalition of Visitors Demanding Hospitality.

Prometheus is a prequel to Alien, which claims that humanity was created and guided by ancient astronauts. When humans find them, the astronauts send monsters to attack the humans.

Quto claims to represent the decedents of real ancient astronauts.

"My great to the 23 power uncle accidentally started a grass fire while working on a spacecraft." Said Quto." "A human noticed that the sparks started the fire. She went back to her tribe, and struck two flint stones together. The rest is history. That was their only contribution to human knowledge!" Quto added that humans are very intelligent creatures, and would have found fire on their own.

"My uncle saved humanity a few hundred years from discovering fire on their own. That's it. Think about it. We can travel to the stars? Why would we want to pile a bunch of rocks together? We could build steel structures back then."

Doq Pox, another member of the coalition, says he is offended by the film depiction of monsters eating and growing inside humans.

"To most races, humans are toxic to eat! We're not genetically compatible in any way. This movie also says we breed humans to be slaves. Blick that! If we wanted slaves, which we don't, we wouldn't make creatures as smart as humans, and we wouldn't leave them alone on a planet. You want slave creatures to always be dependent on you. Not that we make slave creatures, of course. The point is, the writers of this film think humanity is just as stupid as they are!"

Donald K. Emerson of the Bolingbrook Department of Interstellar Affairs, says they will make a decision about the permit soon.

"They have a right to express their opinion, but they have to look like fanboys while doing it."

Ridley Scott could not be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago bars brace for skeptic civil war

Fifteen ghosts protestors released

Editorial: TSA should screen all atheists and skeptics

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/5/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.