Sunday, May 13, 2012

Secular Coalition for America denies offering donations to Mayor Claar’s campaign fund

Despite persistent tips for anonymous sources, The Secular Coalition for America denies it tried to donate $2 million dollars to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger who?”  Said Maggie Milton, an intern for the coalition.  “Even if we knew him, we don’t have that kind of money to donate.  Yet.”

Still, the sources claim that the SCA wants to reward Claar for initially requiring Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church to get a special building permit before moving into a shopping mall. The church, in a lawsuit filed against the village, claims that Claar told them “Bolingbrook had enough churches.” It also claims he said he would consider providing them with the permit, if, in return, they would leave Bolingbrook after two years.  Charges that Claar has publicly denied.

A source with connections in the SCA said Claar’s actions drew their attention.

“Most politicians would just give in to the church, but not Roger!”  Said the source.  “We had to help him out.”

According to the source, the SCA offered to donate $500,000 to him.  Claar, says the source, sent a polite letter declining the donation.  The SCA, not taking no for an answer, upped the donation to $2 million.

“We told him that this was four times the amount of his current campaign fund.”  Said the source.  “It would only be rational to accept the donation.”

Claar, according to the source, sent another letter declining the donation again, stating that it would cost him his political career.

“If I accept your donation, no one would vote for me.  That means I would have to shutdown my campaign committee.  I’ll have you know that my campaign fund puts thousands of dollars into the local economy each quarter!  Bartenders and waitstaff will lose their jobs if my campaign fund goes under!  Let’s not forget all the local organizations that count on my donations for support!  Is it rational to destroy their budgets?”

The source then said they offered to change the name of their new award from the Jessica Ahlquist Secular Courage Under Fire Award,” to the “Roger Claar and Jessica Ahlquist Secular Courage Under Fire Award.”  This, according to the source, provoked an angry e-mail from Claar.

“Don’t believe the rumors!  I am a God Fearing Christian, but even God isn’t immune from Bolingbrook zoning laws!”

To appease Claar, the SCA announced that they had hired Edwina Rogers to be their new Executive Director.

“We thought Roger was confusing us with a liberal organization.”  Said the source.  “So we hired a former Bush administration advisor.  Sure it ticked off atheist bloggers like Greta Christina, and we haven’t heard back from Roger.  Still, if Roger succeeds in reducing the number of churches in Bolingbrook it will be worth it.  Then we’ll have a model to use to reduce the number of churches in this country!”

When The Babbler tried to reach Rogers, her spokesperson said she was involved “in a mutual teaching session with leaders of the secular movement.”

In the background, a woman said, “I don’t know Bill Donohue, but I do know that he has ties to an organization that has protected pedophile members, and may be trying to force women to breed new victims.  This goes against the values of the majority of secular, pro-choice Republicans.”

A man in the background says, “I think you should shorten it to ‘the majority of Republicans.’”

“Good point.”  Said the woman.  “I should throw a ‘Democrat Party’ in there as well.”

When The Babbler tried to reach Claar, his receptionist denied he had any contact with the SCA, and was in the middle of sensitive talks with Liberty church members.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “My turn!  What part of ‘render unto Caesar’ don’t you understand?”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago to be covered by glass dome during NATO Summit
Boughton RD cleared of giant moles
Clow UFO Base to allow third sex marriages
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/17/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.


Anonymous said...

Wow! Mayor Claar has strange friends, with strange motives.

Bolingbrook Babbler said...

First, this is a work of fiction.

Second, in this work, Roger doesn't want their donation or to be affiliated with the group in anyway. So they're not his "strange friends, with strange motives." More like annoying fans he'd rather not have.