Sunday, May 27, 2012

Bolingbrook concludes “Bane Drills” this weekend

Officials say they are ready for a "Bane" attack

A mix of fear and rage fills the air as nearly a thousand mercenaries lay siege to Bolingbrook’s Town Center.  Dozens of police snipers on the roof seem to be all that is holding the army back.  

Five snipers are aimed at one man.  A muscular man wearing a shepherd's coat and a large metallic mask covering his mouth and nose.  He’s standing on the wreck of a Jaguar.  The mask apparently amplifies the man’s mumbling voice.  The snipers fail to hid their confusion as the man tries to lecture them.  The officers don’t flinch as he tears up a photo of The Bolingbrook Golf Club.  The man pulls out a pink sheet of paper, and reads from it in a muffled voice.  A few officers chuckle at the reading.  The man growls and rips the paper to tiny shreds.

After several long tense minutes, the man’s voice suddenly becomes understandable.

“This will be the new mayor of Bolingbrook after I turn Town Center to ashes!”

A woman, wearing a business suit, walks towards the damaged car, holding a megaphone.  When she reaches the car, she starts to lift it towards her face.

“Now!”  One of the officers shouts.

A sniper hits the woman’s leg, and she crumples to concrete ground.

The mercenaries fire indiscriminately at the roof, while the snipers clear a path behind the man, who has now jumped off the jaguar.  

A Bolingbrook police car, which was hiding behind the library, races into the clearing. Before the lumbering man can move, the car slams into him, pushing him through the underpass, and finally landing in the pond.  Two officers jump out of the car and empty their revolvers into the man.

“You have the right to remain silent!”  Yelled one of the officers.

Cut off from their leaders by the snipers, the mercenaries scatter into the subdivision.

Patrol officers emerge from Town Center and read the “mayor” her rights.

“It’s not my fault.”  Protests the woman.  “It’s Roger’s fault.  He made people so mad that they did this.  It’s Roger’s fault, not mine!”

A whistle blows, causing everyone to stop and lower their paint guns.

Mayor Roger Claar and uniformed Homeland Security personnel emerge from the library.  They walk towards village hall.  

“That was very well executed plan.”  Said one of the officials.  “You know it would have been easier to shoot him before he started speaking.”

“We thought he was just like the real Bane.”  An officer replies over a megaphone.  “This guy might have gotten his hands on some super-steroid and wouldn’t have been affected by our bullets.  We just had to be sure.”

“We’ll talk!”  Said the official.

When the men reached the jaguar, Claar picked up on one of the pink pieces of paper and turned to one of the officials.

“Who thought this would be funny?”  Yelled Claar.  

This Memorial Day weekend, Bolingbrook police and government officials are conducting a series of “Bane Drills” in anticipation of the release of The Dark Knight Rises.  In this weekend’s scenario, a member of Bolingbrook’s opposition overdoses on steroids then hires protestors from Montreal to help him take over Bolingbrook.

“These exercises send an important message.”  Claar told The Babbler.  “If anyone thinks taking over Bolingbrook is just as easy as taking over Gotham City, you’re dead wrong.  We’re ready to take on any Bane copycats out there!”

Kerry Rifler, a spokesperson for The Department of Homeland Security, defended the drills against charges that the circumstances are unlikely.

“Eleven years ago, it would have been impossible to imagine Canada becoming a conservative haven.”  Said Rifler.  “If Harper can become prime minister, then it is not impossible to imagine Canadian mercenaries invading Bolingbrook with the help of a disgruntled steroid user!”

Village officials stressed that the drills will not affect residents’ Memorial Day plans, but added that some residents could be “tested.”

Julie X. Hofferman, an employee at Barns and Noble, said Mayor Claar tested her on Friday.

“He came up to the counter, and said, ‘This is an emergency!  Give me all of your comic books.’  Whom am I to question the Mayor?  So I ran over to the comic book rack and started pulling books.”

Roger, according to Hofferman, told her to stop.

“He said I passed a test, and gave me a gift certificate for the Bolingbrook Golf Club.  I didn’t know what to do with it, but thanked him anyway.  Maybe I’ll have it framed or something.”

When The Babbler tried to reach the Canadian Consulate in Chicago, an official said they were involved in secret negotiations with the protestors, and couldn’t be disturbed.

In the background a man said, “You should please stop protesting.  You’re making Canada look bad, and an 80% tuition increase isn’t so bad.  We’re just trying to prevent the children of hosers from invading our universities.  You can appreciate that, eh?

A younger man replied, “Take off!  You’re trying to destroy the middle class by taking away our university eductions.  So I’m sorry to say that we’re going to have to tell your 1% friends and you to go (Expletive deleted) yourselves.  Eh?”

Also in The Babbler:

Skeptics and atheists struggle to stop harassing women
Claar to honor fallen heroes of the Bolingbrook Time War
Ticked off Ted retires after 47 years writing for The Babbler
God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/1/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

‘Mun’ convention draws controversy in Chicago

Should feminist men call themselves “mun” instead?  In Chicago, a convention of so-called “mun” presented their argument against “men.”

“For centuries, men have perpetuated sexism against women.”  Exclaim Sean Fairmore, president of the Society of Mun.  “We have contributed to this oppression for too long by calling ourselves ‘men.’  I, I mean we, say that it is time to join our fellow ‘womyn’ and renounce ‘manhood!’  If you are male, you don’t have to be a man.  Educate yourself and become a ‘mun!’”

At the convention, 200 males and some female partners attended speeches and workshops on how to become a “mun” or improve one’s “mun” status.  According to the speakers, a mun is a male who rejects the “privilege” bestowed upon him by society.  By rejecting this privilege and working towards gender equality, a man can become a “mun.”

“Male privilege is kind of like original sin.”  Said Mark X. Anderson, a blogger who hopes to  start a “Mun’s Movement.”  “It is so engrained into you that you can’t just decide to stop being privileged.  You have work hard to educate yourself and let other ‘mun’ educate you.  Sure you will feel guilty at times, and need someone to relieve you of that guilt.  But in the end you will be the perfect feminist male, incapable of oppressing womyn!”

Members of the Chicagoans for Male Empowerment staged a protest outside the hotel.  

“These people are the worst!”  Said a man who asked to be identified as Mike.  “Women just want our jobs, our sperm, and our money.  These guys want to take away our manhood.  I am a man, and I will not be pushed around by a bunch of momma’s boys!”

About 10 “mun” confronted the protestors by chanting, “We’re not men, we are mun!”  After three minutes, the protest ended with a “mun” punching a Men’s Right Advocate.

“Sure it was wrong.”  Said “mun” who asked not to be identified.  “But he said I was weak because I called myself a ‘mun.’  That made me mad.  I shouldn’t have hit him.  So I guess I’ll need to educate myself more.”

Hotel security called the police.  When asked if the violence was related to the NATO summit, security said no.  The Chicago Police Department allegedly asked security to write down the names of everyone involved, and they would send an officer in two to four days.  Security instead decided to ask the protesters to leave, and gave a warning to the convention organizers.  The MRA promised that they would blog about the incident, and “we won’t hold back.”

Other “mun” frequented a row of booths where they could try to atone for their “male privilege.”  Most involved making donations to groups like Planned Parenthood or community blogs like Skepchick.

One particular section offered an “Internet based treatment” for “male privilege.”

Explained Social Worker Peter Z. Grim, “I direct attendees to our laptops and ask them to start reading Skepchick.  This site provides a human face to feminism.  Over time, they will see men attacking the Skepchicks.  This should anger the male reader.  Then I direct them to the Man Boobz bog where they laugh at the misogynists.  When they’re ready to start to look at their own sexism, I’ll direct them to The Good Men Project.  Then I take it to the next level and have them read the More than Men blog!”

A man sitting at one of the “Grim Tables” recoiled in horror from the laptop, revealing the More Than Men blog on the screen.  He jumped into the isles and started screaming.

“I hate my male privilege!” Cried the man.  After looking around, he found and grabbed a plastic food tray.  He then fell to the ground, spread his legs, and started hitting his groin with the tray.  Two of Grim’s associates rushed toward the man.

“Some people aren’t ready for the next level.”  Said Grim.

As for the rest of the convention, Fairmore conceded that there needed to be more speakers, and promised to correct the lack of female speakers.

“We shouldn’t have held this conference so close to the Women in Secularism conference.  We are, however, inviting more female speakers to next year’s conference.”

A smiling man walked into this room.  “I just invited two very good speakers!”  He beamed.

“Who?”  Asked Fairmore.

Miranda Celeste Hale!  She teaches rhetoric, loves poetry, and will be on a panel at TAM!”  Said the man.

“You mean the blogger who doesn’t believe in male privilege?”

The man stuttered.

“Who is the other person?”  Asked Fairmore.

“You mean Ashley Paramore.”

“No!”  Beamed the man.  “Ashley F. Miller!  She’s a blogger.”

“Never heard of her.”

“She’s a blogger, filmmaker, feminist, and she presented a great paper at TAM last year.”

“Was she invited back as a featured speaker?”

“Um, no.”  After a long uncomfortable pause, the man added, “She also plays a mean ukulele!”  

After a few seconds, the man’s smile withered against Fairmore’s glare.

The man said, “I was just thinking--”

“No!”  Said Fairmore.  “You weren’t thinking!  You know what part of your anatomy you were using!”

The man bowed his head.  “What blog should I read to atone for my manliness?”

Fairmore smiled.  “There is no need for such pain.”  He then handed the man a cat o’ nine tails.  “This will be much less painful.”

When reached for comment, a Planned Parenthood spokesperson doubted the existence of “mun” and hung up.

PZ Myers, a renowned feminist male, laughed at the so-called “mun.”

“You don’t have to give up being a man to be a feminist.  Just listen to what other women have to say, and help them have the same opportunities as men do.  It is not a zero sum game.  It is just common sense.  Now please excuse me as I have to do my part to stamp out religion!”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago Police defeat anarchist zombie uprising
Dancing Nurses video goes viral across the Milky Way
Weredeer cancel protest of Taste of Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/25/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Web Exclusive: Record number of Extraterrestrials expected at Taste of Bolingbrook

By Reporter X

Organizers expect a record number of extraterrestrials at this weekend’s Taste of Bolingbrook.  

“I’ve heard that Clow is running out of disguises.”  Said Mary, who asked that we not use her last name.  “Combine this with the human visitors, and this could be a huge event.”

Organizers believe the increase is due to participating restaurants serving exclusive meals for extraterrestrials.  For the first time, aliens can go to any booth, flash a secret hand sign, and get a choice of dishes catered to their biology.

“Bolingbrook has great restaurants.”  Said a member of the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce.  “However, human food is poisonous to some of our visitors.  We want to attract these visitors by serving special dishes.  Then they can dine along with the human visitors!”

Qudupo, an alien from Alpha Centauri, says this is why he is attending.

“I can’t wait to try the gravel salad!”

Others say they are going because Chicago is off limits due to the NATO summit that weekend.

“Sure, I like a good riot as much as any purple blooded being.”  Said GU Ko of the Komet Empire.  “I also like eating good food and not having to worry about getting blasted with sonic cannons.  I’ll stay in Bolingbrook this weekend and be safe from your warring mathematicians!  Just what is the big deal about 99 percent?”

Taste of Bolingbrook runs on Saturday, from Noon to 10 PM and Sunday from Noon to 8 PM.  It will take place behind the Town Center at 375 W. Briarcliff Road.  Admission is free, and includes a family area, as well as live music.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Secular Coalition for America denies offering donations to Mayor Claar’s campaign fund

Despite persistent tips for anonymous sources, The Secular Coalition for America denies it tried to donate $2 million dollars to Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

“Roger who?”  Said Maggie Milton, an intern for the coalition.  “Even if we knew him, we don’t have that kind of money to donate.  Yet.”

Still, the sources claim that the SCA wants to reward Claar for initially requiring Liberty Temple Full Gospel Church to get a special building permit before moving into a shopping mall. The church, in a lawsuit filed against the village, claims that Claar told them “Bolingbrook had enough churches.” It also claims he said he would consider providing them with the permit, if, in return, they would leave Bolingbrook after two years.  Charges that Claar has publicly denied.

A source with connections in the SCA said Claar’s actions drew their attention.

“Most politicians would just give in to the church, but not Roger!”  Said the source.  “We had to help him out.”

According to the source, the SCA offered to donate $500,000 to him.  Claar, says the source, sent a polite letter declining the donation.  The SCA, not taking no for an answer, upped the donation to $2 million.

“We told him that this was four times the amount of his current campaign fund.”  Said the source.  “It would only be rational to accept the donation.”

Claar, according to the source, sent another letter declining the donation again, stating that it would cost him his political career.

“If I accept your donation, no one would vote for me.  That means I would have to shutdown my campaign committee.  I’ll have you know that my campaign fund puts thousands of dollars into the local economy each quarter!  Bartenders and waitstaff will lose their jobs if my campaign fund goes under!  Let’s not forget all the local organizations that count on my donations for support!  Is it rational to destroy their budgets?”

The source then said they offered to change the name of their new award from the Jessica Ahlquist Secular Courage Under Fire Award,” to the “Roger Claar and Jessica Ahlquist Secular Courage Under Fire Award.”  This, according to the source, provoked an angry e-mail from Claar.

“Don’t believe the rumors!  I am a God Fearing Christian, but even God isn’t immune from Bolingbrook zoning laws!”

To appease Claar, the SCA announced that they had hired Edwina Rogers to be their new Executive Director.

“We thought Roger was confusing us with a liberal organization.”  Said the source.  “So we hired a former Bush administration advisor.  Sure it ticked off atheist bloggers like Greta Christina, and we haven’t heard back from Roger.  Still, if Roger succeeds in reducing the number of churches in Bolingbrook it will be worth it.  Then we’ll have a model to use to reduce the number of churches in this country!”

When The Babbler tried to reach Rogers, her spokesperson said she was involved “in a mutual teaching session with leaders of the secular movement.”

In the background, a woman said, “I don’t know Bill Donohue, but I do know that he has ties to an organization that has protected pedophile members, and may be trying to force women to breed new victims.  This goes against the values of the majority of secular, pro-choice Republicans.”

A man in the background says, “I think you should shorten it to ‘the majority of Republicans.’”

“Good point.”  Said the woman.  “I should throw a ‘Democrat Party’ in there as well.”

When The Babbler tried to reach Claar, his receptionist denied he had any contact with the SCA, and was in the middle of sensitive talks with Liberty church members.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar yelled, “My turn!  What part of ‘render unto Caesar’ don’t you understand?”

Also in The Babbler:

Chicago to be covered by glass dome during NATO Summit
Boughton RD cleared of giant moles
Clow UFO Base to allow third sex marriages
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/17/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Sources: Ron Paul to hijack Electoral College

Losing the popular vote and the Republican nomination may not stop Rep. Ron Paul from becoming President.

Sources with friends with relatives with connections to the Paul campaign say if their efforts to win over delegates before the convention fail, they will try to convert electors in the Electoral College instead.  While the sources are confident Paul can win the nomination, they also have confident in case they have to use “Plan D.”

“It’s not about winning millions of votes.”  Said John, who asked not to be identified.  “It’s about convincing 270 electors that Ron Paul is the best man for the job.”

According to the sources, the Paul campaign will support the Mitt Romney in the general election to secure as many Republican electors as possible.  Behind the scenes, the campaign will point out Romney’s flaws to the electors and remind them that they don’t have to vote for Romney.

While some states punish “faithless” electors, the sources argue the Republican electors technically wouldn’t be faithless.

“The people voted for a Republican President.”  Said Will, another source who asked not to be named.  “We don’t have faith that Mitt will govern as a Republican.  So casting a vote for Mitt would technically be a faithless vote.  Now with Ron Paul, you can have faith that he will be a traditional Republican.  So really, if the electors don’t want to violate their state’s laws, they have to vote for Paul.”

John added that if Paul needed “democrat” electors to win the election, those electors still wouldn’t be considered “faithless.”

“Who knows what the Democrat party stands for and who they really want?  There’s no way a court could convict a democrat elector of being faithless.  How can you be faithful to a faithless party?”

If Paul loses the Electoral College, even that might not prevent a Paul Presidency.

“We have plans all the way up to Z!”  Said Will.  “We are going to pull this country back to the founding principles of liberty, and if we have to bypass the popular vote, we will!”

A local Republican official doesn’t take the threat seriously.

“Ron is just trying to get his son on the Romney ticket.”  Said the source.  “That is not going to happen.  I will be Vice-president before Rand Paul is.  And don’t use my name if you’re going to quote me!”

When reached for comment, Paul said, “I read your paper all the time.  You guys really need to focus less on aliens, and more on the NAFTA Superhighway!  Heck, maybe you can say that aliens forced the US off the gold standard.  Oh, and let me give a shout out to my favorite Iowa supporter, Angie, before I hang up.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook holds strong against Soviet cooling ray attack
Village allocates zero funds for remote viewing
No Super-moon injuries reported in Bolingbrook
God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/9/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.