Sunday, April 22, 2012

Sources: Chicago to replace mental health clinics with homeopathy clinics

Sources with friends of relatives connected to the City of Chicago, say the city will replace closed mental health clinics with homeopathic clinics.

The alleged deal, say the sources, is designed to divide the Occupy Chicago movement, and end their protests against the closing of six mental health clinics.

“We’re sure that some of the occupiers use homeopathy.”  Said one of the sources.  “So if we offer them reduced priced homeopathic clinics, they’ll support us, and that will gum up their general assemblies!  It’s genius!”

In an e-mail obtained by The Babbler, Mayor Rahm Emanuel approved the offer.

“You mean to (expletive deleted) tell me that we can take one pill from our stock, drop it in the middle of Lake Michigan, then take a dropper of lake water, put it in a jar, shake it a certain way, dip sugar pills into it, then sell it as medicine?  Even if we just asked the patients to only pay for the water, we’d make a (expletive deleted) fortune.  Why didn’t (expletive deleted) Daley do this?”

Another source dismissed concerns about the effectiveness of homeopathy.

"We have to face up to the new realities of health care.  The job creators and their public servants will get full treatment.  The rest will get alternative treatments, and they will enjoy those cheaper treatments!  It's a matter of priorities.  We have to get taxes down!"

The Chicago Society of Homeopaths denounced the planned new clinics.

“It’s government!”  Said Jane P. Loughton.  “The government can’t do anything right!  Their clinics will botch their remedies, and make all homeopaths look bad!  You should only get your homeopathic remedies from a local practitioner, or from a drug store!  Do you trust the government to understand quantum physics and natural remedies?  Except for The National Center for Complementary and Alternative Medicine, of course!"

When asked to comment, Raham replied, “Leave me the (expletive deleted) alone or I’ll ‘accidentally’ have your publication listed as an organization sympathetic to the terrorists!  Good luck trying to make it through the NATO Summit!”

At the deadline, Occupy Chicago had not reached a consensus about how to reply to this article.

Also in The Babbler:

Claar denies saying God should pay local taxes
Bolingbrook holds strong against Soviet cool attack
Dowsers offer services for NATO Summit
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/24/12

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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