|The Bad Astronomer learns why it is a bad idea to walk on Mars without a spacesuit.|
By Reporter X
Canceled by the Discovery Channel almost two years ago, Bad Universe will be revived by an interstellar TV network. Bad Astronomer Phil Plait proudly announced the renewal at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.
“This time we got it right!” Exclaimed Plait. “We’ve filmed more than three episodes, we’ve secured a regular slot for the programs, we’ve kept the science and added more explosions! The galaxy will soon know the words, ‘Holy Haleakala!’”
Vios23, programing cyborg for the Interstellar Exchange Network, explained that the network revived the show to compete against Mythbusters reruns on the competing Galactic Broadcasting Company.
“Mythbusters is a great show, and we all love the team members.” Said Vios23. “Still, the program boils down to stupid human tricks with explosives. We wanted to make a program that is more in tune with the scientific knowledge of the galactic community.”
Vios23 said that Plait’s old show was the perfect vehicle for a revival.
“Phil’s show was much too grand for Earth’s primitive networks, and the poor production values rendered it to the ash heap of other CGI astronomy programs. Phil needed a production company that could allow him to film on location across the galaxy and see explosions much grander than the firecrackers on his old program.”
The producers then showed scenes from the new series. In the first clip, Plait is looking out a shielded window at a star.
“Holy Haleakala!” Exclaimed Plait. “It’s Betelgeuse from several billions kilometers away! It’s huge. To put it in prospective, Betelgeuse is about the size of Jupiter’s orbit around Sol. I’m amazed to look at it so close. Look! Those two bubbles of gas rising from the surface. They’re about the size of the Earth’s orbit, but they look so small from out here. It’s amazing. What are the words I’m looking for? Oh yeah. Holy Haleakala!”
In the next scene, Plait watches a space war game.
“In this scenario, the defenders have to stop a space fleet from bombarding their home planet with asteroids. As I’ve always said asteroids were the most efficient way to bomb a planet, and this is proof that I was right.”
Several ships explode during the clip.
“On Earth, we’re used to seeing bullet like lasers and fiery explosions in our science fiction movies. Real life space battles, as you can see aren’t like that. The visible laser beams are only used for tracking. The main laser uses frequencies that aren’t visible to the human eye. Since there’s no air in space, we don’t get fireballs, just flying debris. Still fascinating to watch though.”
Later in the scene, one of the ships “accidentally” tries to target Plait’s ship. Plait’s ship then initiates a high speed maneuver to avoid the craft. Plait falls into an absorption wall.
“The inertial dampeners must not be working!” Exclaims Plait. As he sinks into the foam wall, he cries, “Holy Haleakala! I’m experiencing 10G acceleration. I now weigh 10 times more than my normal Earth weight. I can barely breath!”
After the craft decelerates, Plait says, “Do you want to know how powerful 10Gs is? I threw up, but it went out the wrong hole! Holy Haleakala! I need a new uniform!”
At the end of each episode, the producers will interview Plait, after erasing his memories about aliens and the show, and listen to him debunk UFOs.
“We’re going to film those scenes after I finish the media tour.” Said Plait. “I’ve been allowed to keep my memories of aliens since I was the president of the JREF. I’ve learned a lot, but, to be honest, I didn’t like having to lie to people about UFOs on Earth. It will be great to be relieved of that burden.” He did add that all the UFOs he’s mentioned on his blog were either hoaxes, or had natural explanations.
Vios23 said that while the show has changed, its goal still remains the same.
“We will teach the children of the galaxy good astronomy through entertainment and explosions!”
Plait added that if the show is renewed, he hopes Pamela Gay is hired as a cohost. Vios23 said it was a possibility.
“After seeing her tell Neil deDrasse Tyson to shut up at TAM 9, we knew there was a place for her on our network.”
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Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.